I just wanna say that I've never understood why some people like to "remake" novels that have already been published. That has never made any sense to me.
I've already read The Host, and since I kinda know what's going to happen, there really isn't anything that will keep me interested in this story, unless you add your own little twist to it.
I know people have already told you this, but there are still tons of spelling and grammar errors in all of your chapters. The amount of run-on sentences in Chapter 2 are unbelievable.
Um...and about the flashback thing, you should put that in italics and backspace the sentences "Thinking about what we went through." and "End of thoughts." That would definitely make the chapter more maturely written.
The dialog isn't really that good either. All of the characters sound the same.
You have talent, but there's still a lot of things you need to improve on. Your grammar is one of them.
I hope you don't take my review the wrong way. I do like the story, I just wanted to point out the flaws in it so that you can improve your writing.
Besides the flaws, this is a good story. I'll subscribe. :)
I like the story, I haven't read "The Host", but I understand it. There are still some minor gramar issues but overall its really good. Can't wait for the next chapter.
it's getting better already... i maybe saw one or two errors... but i don't know if it's your error or my error... coz i'm bad in grammar and spelling myself... and like i said... still love the twin brother... he is awesome... anyway...update soon... i'll go and subscribe now...
Alright so you wanted me to take a look at your story, so here I am. I have to warn you though, I can be horribly honest and sometimes it isn't for the best. If I offend you or hurt your feelings with anything I say, I am sorry. I don't mean it to be rude - it's called constructive critism and it will help you be a better writer :)
Summary I have to admit, it's not a hugely inticing summary. The only thing I have to point out is that in this sentence: "Live goes easy.. that live should be life.
Chapter One Alright first off, I have to admit the grammar in this chapter is absolutely horrible. There are so many mistakes in the first paragraph alone that I want to pounce on, but I really don't have the time to list all of them. I've read The Host as well, and I think that you didn't really so great of a job explaining exactly what "souls" are. If I hadn't of read the book previously, I porbably would not have known what you were talking about. Oh! And I forgot to mention this before, but about the title... I really think you should have chosen something other than the name of the book you were basing this on :/ I mean, it's already been done, right? This is your own, it starts with the title. And I have to agree with your author's note - the first chapter was a little boring... Sorry.
Chapter Two Again, your grammar - to put it simply - sort of sucks.
Thinking about what they went through // End of thoughts That really doesn't need to be there. If ever you want to use flashbacks or portray thoughts, italics are always the best way to go. By saying "thinking about what they went through" really takes away from the story your telling, and makes it seem pretty juvenilly written.
Chapter Three We had been walking for what seemed like days, but had really only been about 7 hours. I really didn't like this opening line :/ It seemed poorly worded...
Again, grammar is horrible...
Your plot is moving along pretty slow. I have to be honest, that if you hadn't of asked me to read this over, and I had stumbled upon it myself, after reading the summary I wouldn't have read on. I'd really suggest that you listen to burningkohl's advice about the chapter outline. You shouldn't worry about the timing of the chapters, as long as you are satisfied with what you have written. I'd also reccomend getting a beta to review the chapters before you post them. That way they will hopefully make the many grammar and spelling mistakes known to you, and you can fix them.
Sorry if you don't like what I've said, but you asked me to read this and give you my opinion and so I did. I hope this doesn't affect your perception of me, and if it does, that sucks. You had a good idea, you just need a little help and extra work in getting there.
i haven't read the story yet but i think i understand it from your story.... it's still the third chapter so there aren't much to comment about.. but i think i'll like the character twin brother... i always have a thing for twins... and i have to agree that you do have some spelling errors... but i know how hard it is to keep everything right... maybe you should get a beta-reader/editor... they'll help you more than you imagine... and anyway i'll keep reading if you keep posting... XD
Advertising on other people's pages constantly is rude.
You need to work on grammar and punctuation. These things are key. You have a tendency to use the wrong context of a word - i.e. you say "witch" when the correct spelling in "which." We're not talking about broomsticks and spellbooks here.
Hook - you lack one. And a plot, actually. As far as I can tell, this story is going nowhere. I suggest making a chapter-outline before starting a story, so you know specifically what each chapter will be about and are not trying to make it up on the spot.
Your character is beginning to sound like a Sue. Change that, give her flaws (legit ones, please), make her more realistic. Wouldn't she be quite a bit more paranoid of going into that house? Shaky, nervous, jumping at any sound? Make her believable as a person.
I absolutely love the host, I read this book around a year ago and always wanted a series link :) I guess you are going to write beyond, or is it a completely different story within the book ? nevertheless I am curious to see what happens next, well done ;]] Write More ! x