very good story!! I really enjoyed it :)
April 8th, 2010 at 11:34pm
* The lack of spaces between your paragraphs makes the story hard to read. Improper spacing messes with the flow of the story. Also the extra long paragraphs and the lack of proper breakdown makes reading this kind of monotonous. The words and sentences lack power because it all seems to go on and on. Just the appearance of it is unappealing.
I like the idea of the first few sentences. The bit about Molly Ringwald was cute.
Prom is not romantic and does not end with you falling head over heels in love with the quarterback who you’ve had a crush on for the past four years.
I think if you broke this sentence down a bit, it would be more effective. Breaking it into smaller peiecs would help to punctuate each part: Prom is not romantic. It does not end with you falling head over heels in love with the… I think that first bit, Prom is not romantic would be a great starter for a new paragraph.
No let me tell you what prom is supposed to be really.
Here, I think “No” should be a sentence of its own. Once again to help punctuate its meaning.
You’re supposed to go with the nerdy kid from the chess club that has liked you for the past four years since no one else asked you.
Ineffective run-on. With the length of this sentence and the lack of punctuation, the meaning of this sentence is lost and it lacks flow. And it sounds a bit redundant since you used the phrase “for the past four years” in the sentence before this one. The similar phrasing and sentence structure makes reading the story a little boring. Maybe try something like this: You’re supposed to go with the nerdy kid from the chess club; the one that’s liked you since freshmen year.
*Within that first paragraph, you often use “your” when you should use “you’re.”
I couldn’t even be that lucky. Perhaps I should tell you how I ended up driving my best friend Isabel’s Uncles Mustang, on the way to my ex boyfriends house, with my best friend, my prom date, two other guy friends and an annoying slut, that thought she was my friend.
This is another really long sentence that doesn’t work. Also, your possessives aren’t always done right: It should be “…my best friend Isabel’s uncle’s Mustang…” and “…my ex-boyfriend’s house…” Also, “uncle” shouldn’t be capitalized since it isn’t a proper noun.
By no stretch of the imagination could you could guess how this happened and when this ends it will either be covered up or the world as we know it will be over and it won’t really matter.
This sentence doesn’t flow well and it’s difficult to understand. Perhaps if you break it down, it’ll sound better and be clearer:
By no stretch of the imagination would you be able to guess how this all happened. And when this ends, when all is said and done, the events that occurred that night will be covered up and hidden or the world as we know it will be over. None of this will really matter.
I think you need a beta. There are a lot of typos and spelling/grammatical errors in this piece. Enough so that it can be distracting, and enough so that it takes away from the piece and makes it a bit confusing.
And now you’re wondering what it was that we did…they just with an alien inside of them.
I liked this paragraph. I think it gave the story and the narrator character. It added feeling and it made it interesting to read. I like that you kept it informal.
I was going about eighty on a dark gravel road that over-looked a drop off the lead to the river about 200 feet below, it was a dangerous drive in the daylight, emotionally sound, let alone in the dark, after having seen some of my classmates killed.
A huge run-off sentence and it’s very confusing and hard to figure out what you mean to say in certain places.
I liked the small details about where she was driving, the bit about the dark road with the cliff at the end. I also liked how you slid in the detail of her classmates having been killed into that bit of detail. It was a nice way to give some information away without really focusing on it or giving too much away.
Then there it was James’s little two story farm house. The logic of our taking refuge at his home was that his parents were gone for the weekend and James hadn’t been at Prom so he might still be human. I however, was against the idea from the beginning but I was the only one who knew the way to his house blindfolded, so I got screwed into driving and I was out voted about there we went. Well that and Isabel was in no condition to be driving, considering her boyfriend was one of them now. What was our plan you may ask. Well we have no idea really, at this point we were just trying to figure out how we were going to make it through the night.
This whole bit was EXTREMELY confusing. The sentences are out of order and they don’t really make much sense. I had to re-read it several times and re-work the sentence order in my head, just to understand what was going on here.
When I turned off the car an eerie silence over came the entire car, I wasn’t sure what they were thinking but I knew what I was thinking.
Use of the word “car” twice in shut a short space of time is sounds redundant. Also, the sentence could be split into two. I think it would be easier to read that way.
And I agree with what xxDeliciousLoserxx said. It’s an interesting plot, and I like the narrator’s voice, but the story seems a bit thrown together and sloppy. It reads like you didn’t do much (or any) re-editing and re-working to make sure the story was the best it could be before you posted it. I think if you worked a bit more on this story, it would be pretty excellent. The idea of the story, what you have written so far, is unique (especially considering the things written on Mibba) and if you fixed up the errors and continued on, I would definitely subscribe.
