The Elementum - Comments

The banners made by me were done using Photoshop :) Thank you for your compliments. I'm currently working on the next update, so it'll be up soon, but thank you for the comment it's very encouraging!

love your story :) and i was wondering if you know how to make a banner cuz yours were really cool....but tht othr person made them....so cld you ask that person how they made them? Just wondering. But anyways LOVE the story and cant wait for the next update :)

Layout:

If I’m honest, I don’t like the layout. The banner’s okay but the background image and the color’s you’ve used don’t really match the colors of the banner. Maybe you should rethink the layout…

Summary:

The summary just screams clichéd story at me. To be honest, I usually wouldn’t read something like this because you just know in the end all the characters near enough are going to be paired up and it’s all going to be rainbows and sunshine… Not my kind of thing at all.

Chapter Eleven

To be honest, I found the starting of this chapter hard to follow. I get that they were eating but, I don’t know which character is which and why they’re all so tired. But, that’s all probably because I’m reading from chapter eleven…

I like how you built up the kiss even though, it was a very cliché way and made me want to vomit but, alas, I did enjoy reading the cuteness. I just like how you got them to go back to doing the dishes after they kiss – it made me giggle.

“Do you think you could manipulate these pretty little pebbles?” She asked while she examined the smooth black pebbles she held in her hand.

Lost again… but, as before, it’s most likely because I’m only reading on from chapter eleven. Sounds like a weird power though…

The ending of this chapter seemed a little forced but, it was okay. You’re an okay writer, keep it up…

Thank you pagesfly :]

Everyone is going to evolve as the story goes on. I have big things in store for all of them :]

Your story is really good and relatable. I feel like, right now, your trying to make a love triangle, which can get very tricky to deal with in spots. You make Jason seem like a better leader, too. He's calm in bad situations and it looks to me like he's the most powerful...I'm just pointing this out you might know this already.

Also, just make sure you don't make Tristan come off as cocky.

Good job so far!

Story review game:

“Alright, well listen, I don’t know what you’ve been smoking, but you should seriously lay off it,”

This line made me smile right away; it was simple, but cute. ^.^ I really like how this is beginning, and I’m curious to read more.

Sean was about to say something else, but Shana pulled him down by his shorts, forcing him to sit down again.

This line made me smile, too. :)

“Okay, what now?” Tristen said turning towards Legatus. All five of them stood there trying to absorb everything in.

“Now you save the world,” Legatus responded.

This last part was pretty cool; it makes me think of The Fantastic Four, which is one of my favorite movies. ^.^

Overall, it was something that I enjoyed reading, and it was easy enough for me to understand. I like the background, and the banner makes it interesting, too. Great job.

Story Review Game:

Chapter Four

Firstly, I really liked the layout of the story in general. It was very calming and soothing and I just really hope that it does play a part in the story. The colors are very complimentary.

I liked that you started this chapter off with something positive about Scindo. The whole chapter seemed more tragic that way. I could see that Scindo had once been something so great and powerful and I got to watch it fall from grace, it was a very good idea.

I love the way you’ve written this chapter, I feel as though I’m actually one of the children listening to it. I feel like I’m sitting right there and whenever you add in a bit of descriptions, like him pausing or bowing his head, I get restless and just want him to get on with the story like the children undoubtedly do. I also like that all the children felt he was taking too long and interjected with their own questions. It was so childish and cute, it just made them all a bit more real for me. I really liked Sean, he was so cynical and unbelieving; he was very cute.

This story idea kind of reminded me The Handmaid’s Tale if you’ve ever read it. Maybe I’m mistaken because I’ve only read the fourth chapter, but I’ve always loved Alternate Reality stories. I’ve never tried writing one because I can imagine how much planning and how attentive to details you must have to be to make sure it’s still believable. So I will say to you that it can be easy to cross that line into the totally unbelievable, so watch that, but from what I’m seeing in this chapter, you probably don’t have to worry about that too much.

However, someone did notice, but unfortunately no one believed her.”

I don’t think there is actually something terribly wrong with this sentence, I just don’t think you need to have however and but in the same sentence. I think you should just take out the word but and start with unfortunately after the comma.

There were not many errors of any kind throughout this, that I found anyway, but I did notice a couple with your commas. In some places, they should be added, while in others they should be taken out. It’s not that big if a deal though.

EX: Three hundred years ago a man by the name of Pavus…

After three hundred years ago, there should be a comma.

EX: She was Pavus’s lover, and the only person he truly trusted.

I don’t think there should be a comma after lover. Usually before the word and you don’t put a comma.

Your writing was very good and I could tell that you put a lot of thought into this story. I really like when authors use the third person, I’m not very good at it, but I love to read it.

Thank you for the review :D It was really helpful

Story Review Game - Chapter 3

"“Wait!” Sean yelled after her “We don’t know if he’s dangerous or not. I mean for all we know he could be the one that made that thing appear!” Jane looked back at him and then looked at Tristen who had a worried look on his face." There should be a comma after "I mean" and one after "Tristen."

" “Come on, let’s go” Shana mumbled to Tristen as she followed grudgingly after the three who had made the decision to go." This sentence doesn't exactly flow well, and I'd suggest taking out " three would had decided to go" and just replacing it with "them."

"Jane held onto the shoulder of Tristen who was right next to her for support..." "who was right there next to her" isn't really necessary because the reader can tell he's next to her if she's holding onto his shoulder.

" Sean gave an exasperated sigh." This should be in the following paragraph.

"“Alright old man, where’d you go?” He yelled into the darkness." He doesn't need to be capitalized because it isn't the beginning of the sentence.

"“Please, sit down” Legatus said calmly as he motioned to five square cushions lying in a half circle around the fire." There should be a comma after "down."

"Jane took the spot next to Tristen and Shana sat to her right, Jason reluctantly sat to Shana’s right." This is a really choppy sentence, and I'd suggest revising it for flow. Also, there should be a comma before "and".

"The warm light from the fire didn’t help ease the tension that filled the atmosphere as all six of them sat in silent." It should be "silence" not "silent."

" Jason scuffed mockingly at the man’s statement." I think you mean that he scoffed. Scuffed is when you mess up your shoes or something.

"Sean was about to make a comment but Shana hit him in the side with her elbow causing him to reconsider." There should be a comma after "comment."

"“I’m here because the world is once again in danger, and it is your duty to save it” Legatus simply stated, ignoring the previous interruptions." There should be a comma after "it." You always place a comma at the end of dialogue unless there's a question mark or exclamation point. Think of it like the period at the end of a sentence.

"“Don’t leave until you’ve heard my whole story Tristen” Tristen snapped his head back." There should be a comma after "story" and a period after "Tristen."

"Sean shifted uncomfortably in his seat ready to leap up and run at any second. " There should be a comma after "seat."

"“I know more about you than you think Jason...." There should be a comma before Jason.

Overall, I like the originality of the story and the bit of background you're establishing in this third chapter and that I'm guessing you will further establish in the next chapter, and I agree with porcelain doll. about this being good for your first story, but this story does have many grammatical errors. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I know that a lot of people on Mibba won't read a story if it has tons of errors just because it's difficult to read. I would suggest that you get a beta reader to sort of help you out with this.

Once again, I hope my review was helpful

haha I hadn't caught that :p Thanks for pointing it out :D

Random, but I wanted t point out a major fault you have right from the start. Here, in the summary:
This story centers around six teenagers who each control a different force of nature. Together they must work to find the Six Divine crystals before they fall in the wrong hands. Folllow the five teens on an adventure filled with magic, action, love and surprises.

The bold points out the mistake in counting the people, not sure which it is and the underlined points out the misspelling of the word. Too many L's =P

Story Review Game - Chapter 2

First of all, I love your layout. The grass is really pretty, but it doesn't distract the reader like most picture backgrounds tend to do.

There are a few typos in the summary, such as different missing the d, but other than that the summary has no grammatical errors.

However, in the second chapter there are some minor grammatical errors.

"...Jane said warmly as she put her hand on the, woman’s shoulder." - There shouldn't be a comma here.

"“It was Ghastly," she began..." "Ghastly" shouldn't be capitalized, and there should be a period after she began.

"It had horns on its head like-like a demon, and eyes filled with hatred and and EVIL. He had four arms and feet muscular enough to rival those of a horse! It it lunged itself after me when he-it saw me walking along the water. I panicked!! I ran as fast as I could! I-it was right behind me...but then there was this light. So bright... so...big. And the beast was gone..."The woman frantically explained not believing that she had really experienced any of this herself." I really love how you make your dialogue sound how it would sound if it were being spoken, with the pauses and the stutters and whatnot.

" Asked Sean half hoping she would say no, after all this lady seemed like a real piece of work..." - "Asked" should not be capitalized, and there should be a comma after Sean. Also, you may want to separate "...hoping she would say no" and "after all, this lady seemed like..." into two sentences.

" "Hey we never asked that lady where she had seen the "beast." We could spend our whole lives looking for it." Shana said as she peeked inside the dark cave." - There should be a comma after "hey" and a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of a period. You always should use commas at the end of dialogue if it's not really the end of the sentence.

For example:

"You are so silly," she replied.

But if the dialogue is at the end of the sentence, then you use a period, for example:

She replied, "You are so silly."

Hope I helped out some =)

Thanks for the Review Geroge Ryan Ross :D I appreciate it!

and thanks for reading yary123 I hope you like it :]

Good Story very interesting

Story Review Game
I'm reviewing chapter 1.

First off, I like the layout. The grass background looks nice with the yellow background of the center piece. The banner is also very pretty. I love the way it's done. However, I'm kind of put off by the large font. I've never liked large fonts in stories because it just never looked right to me. I don't know. Something about the title also puts me off. I think it should just be The Elementum... I don't know, something about the title just seems off to me. I can't really put my finger on it.

Now first off, paragraphing. Use double spaced paragraphs. If you don't, it makes it harder on the reader and it looks like a wall of text. Readers will skip over reading it if the text is hard to read. So make sure to double space your paragraphs.

It was a clear summer day in Astrum City. Everywhere you looked people were eagerly enjoying the freedom that came with the first day of summer. In the middle of the city, Equilibrium High school was swarming with students eager to go out and enjoy the first day of vacations.
I loved that. It's very relatable to the large teenage pressence on mibba, even the adults. It's relatable because I'm sure we've all sat in school and were impatient for the vacation to start. I like the way it was described. It had a good amount of description in it. But just one thing, school should be capitalized since it's part of the school's name.

What I think could have worked better for this chapter and benefitted it is if you mentioned the name. In both areas where you were describing the characters, you could have fit in their names in those descriptions. I think it would have benefitted the chapter had you mentioned their names sooner in the chapter.

"Oh no... Tell me you didn't! God Shana what were you thinking??? That's so embarrassing. Now he'll think I sent you over to... ughhhh" exclaimed Jane with panic in her voice.
Again, very relatable to the audience mibba has. I'm sure we've all had something like this happen to us. One thing about this though, do not use excessive puncuation points. It takes away the meaning. The two extra question marks weren't necessary. You can get your point across with just one question mark.

As he did so he combed his thick straight blonde hair back with his fingers. His hair never seemed to stay in one place for too long, and to demonstrate this his hair fell back over his forehead almost on cue.
I like the description. It gave me a mental image of what his character looked like. I didn't look at the character page before I started reading so the mental image that gave me was very good. It's always good to give your reader a good mental image on your characters just in case they don't want to look at the characters page. Not that I didn't want to I just thought it wasn't important to the review... So yeah.

"Hey Jane come on in the water's great!" Yelled Shana.
Don't capitalize yelled. You never capitalize the first word after a quotation when it is declaring someone is speaking. Like "yelled Shana" is declaring they spoke. But if "she threw the ball" followed the quotation without any declaring of being spoke, then it'd be capitalized... I hope that made sense.

"Hey Jason. I called you last night to ask you about that car part I needed, but you never answered." Said Sean with an air of disappointment.
Again, do not capitalize said after the period. Your period should be a comma anyway if you're going to have a declaring of speech after it. Only use a period if you're not going to put "said Shana", "she said", or something similar. Again, I hope that made sense.

I like the cliff hanger you used on the ending of the story. But maybe it was a bit too strong? Cliff hangers are good, they keep your readers wondering and keep the readers reading to see what will happen. But don't leave too big of a cliff hanger... If you know what I mean.

Overall, you did a good job on this story for it being your first.

Thank you! I'll definitely keep those things in mind. I didn't realize I was doing the tense thing, thank you for telling me.

Alrighty.

- Double spacing would be good. It hurts the readers eyes when reading a big blob of words. Double spacing, remember that.
- You're switching between tenses. You'll write in the present and then in the past. Keep it in one tense, otherwise it gets confusing.
- Get someone to beta it for you, there were a few grammar/spelling mistakes.

- The idea is well thought out, I like it :)
- And, your descriptions are really well done, it's always nice to picture what you're reading in your head.

:)

:]