Paper Hearts - Comments

I love it! its reallly good =]

aww so cute :]

Story Review Game

Jana had promised Kelly earlier today that she would go to karaoke night at Delaney’s with her and Ryan, and to be honest, I was dreading it.
I like how this is put together, but using two comas seems a little bit shifty to me. Maybe the last half of it could just be 'and to be honest I was dreading it.. That sounds better to me. :)
“Well, I’m not a great singer, but I got into karaoke in college. And Kelly’s great in moderation,” she grins.
I love this sentence. Particularly the 'Kelly's great in moderation' bit. That makes me smile, because it's very realistic. I know people like that, so I can relate. Good job on that.
Ryan has his “please just get me out of here” look plastered on his face.
I love the description of his facial expression. It makes me laugh. XD
“Yeah, I’d like for this pants not to get vomited on,” I joke.
Typo alert! lol. I think you meant 'these pants' not 'this pants' here.
I drag Jana towards the bar to avoid their mess.

“Whoa, we definitely shouldn’t have come,” Jana says, perching up on the stool. “You were right.”
I love the tension between Ryan and Kelly, and how even Jana notices it. Nicely done on the transition between scenes, as well.
“Jana, you are so pretty,” Kelly remarks in a daze. “You and Jim would have the cutest babies! Besides mine and Ryan’s of course.”
This made me burst into laughter as well. I can see many a drunk person saying something along this, and I can feel the awkwardness of the scene radiating. The scene is starting to come alive for me. I'm beginning to like this a little bit more than I thought I would.
“I had fun. You’ve officially beat my TV,” I laugh.
I liked this sentence a lot.

There's not much I can suggest to fix it up; it was a pretty sound chapter. I generally don't read stories like this one, but I was pleasantly surprised. It kept me pretty entertained, and I laughed throughout it. Kudos to you on that. :) I'm glad I reviewed this chapter.

Story Review Game
This will be a review for Chapter 11.

So, despite the fact that I have read none of the previous chapters, I am already looking forward to reading this because it is a fanfic related to The Office.

I sit inside my car for a few minutes, trying to settle my nerves and clear my head. It ends up having the opposite effect, so I give up, pop a piece of gum into my mouth, and get out of the car.
Despite the fact that I have no idea what is going on, or who is narrating, I can tell that this person is dealing with something that doesn’t seem to be easy for him/her. I like the added detail of the person getting a piece of gum—it just adds a little something, I think.

“So where are we heading?...
Just some grammar—I think ‘heading’ should be ‘headed.’

Reading the dialogue, it just doesn’t feel completely natural to me. Like, it isn’t flowing the right way or something.

The restaurant is dim; the only light flickers from candles on the tables,…
I can totally picture the inside of the restaurant. I think, though, that the part that I bolded could be worded a bit differently. Something about it just seems off. Maybe ‘flickers’ could be changed to ‘flickering’ or something else could be written differently.

I think we should break out maps, just kidding.

I think there should be some sort of pause after Jim says that they should break out maps. Maybe have it be, “I think we should break out maps,” I joked.—or something along those lines.

I’m not sure how I feel about the last paragraph. I feel like that could be worded differently as well, I’m just not sure how.

Overall, this wasn’t bad. Some parts were iffy, but I did like reading it. If I have time someday, maybe I’ll check out the rest

*ugh* I just totally deleted everything I had previously typed. Crap lol.

Story Review Game: (let's try this again)
Chapter Twelve.

Okay, so I've not watched The Office, nor have I read any of this story before - I'm just sort of jumping into this chapter. So if I get confused or whatnot, I'm going to assume it's because it's an Office thing I'm missing, or something I missed in previous chapters (:

Karaoke is not my thing, to say the least., plus, I don’t like to spend my free time with Kelly and Ryan.
- I think the punctuation in this sentence needs to be adjusted a little. Even something like: "Karoake is not my thing to say the least, plus I don't like to spend my free time with Kelly and Ryan." would sound a little better.

I have to say that I love how this is written in the present tense. You don't come across many well-written stories written in present tense, so this is really refreshing.

"Pssht, Jim! We were not talking about you,” Kelly gushes, taking a sip of her drink. It was obvious that she was already pretty buzzed.
- You've portrayed Kelly's intoxication perfectly. Just from the first few moments she was introduced to this chapter, I could tell she was either a very out-going person, or drinking lol.

“Jana, you are so pretty,” Kelly remarks in a daze. “You an Jim would have the cutest babies! Besides mine and Ryan’s of course.”
- and ;)
- From what I can tell this seems to be a completely "Kelly" thing to say. I love how you're sticking with your characters, never wavering with their personalities.

“I had fun. You’ve officially beat out my TV,” I laugh.
- Beat out doesn't really make sense here, I don't think... Even if you just took out the out it would make much more sense.

And to comment on a statement you made in your Author's Note: "The only problem is I'm scared I made them all lovey-dovey too quickly. I mean, I don't want to rush it or anything." I don't think so. Just coming into this chapter, I could tell that this was new to them, that it was a first date for them. I think you're developing Jim and Jana's relationship at the perfect pace. Not too fast that it seems unbelievable, but not so slow as to make it boring.

Although (like I said) I don't watch The Office, I had no problem understanding what was going on. I think that you're telling a wonderful story and you're telling it just amazingly. Very good job with this chapter.

Thanks girl!

These last couple of chapters were really good. I don't think Jim is being too sarcastic, actually - I mean, it's Jim. Maybe a little less lovey dovey though? But then I think of him with Pam and I'm not too sure.

Anyways.

Loved the updates. :D

Thanks guys, I plan on updating later tonight or tomorrow.

I was very skeptical coming into this, because I'm a die-hard Office fan. Though nothing could be as good as the actual show, I'm on chapter three and I think you're doing a pretty good job so far.

I think you could amp up the funny a bit, though.

Other than that, cute fic!

As Ronald Mcdonald would say, "I'M LOVING IT."

I just read all ten chapters. I love this story. Even if it means Pam is still with Roy.

Jim is my love, by the way.

And the way all of the other characters act are just so true... especially Dwight and Angela. Love this!!!

Story Review Game
Chapter Ten
It’s Monday at Dundler Mifflin Paper Company, the best way to start the week (that’s sarcasm, just to let you know).
I don’t think you should really have (that’s sarcasm, just to let you know) in there. I think that if you decide to keep it, at least take it out of the parenthesis and make it fit into the story more. The way it is, it doesn’t flow very well.

I hate to admit it, but I actually miss our random games. I didn’t think my job could get any more boring…until now.
I really like that part. It’s a good, simple description of how the character is feeling about Jana. And it is a good description about how the character feels for his job as well.

“Question: why are you stretching your neck like that? Your neck is already too long without you making it appear longer,” Dwight complains from the desk beside me. Yes, his insults are always that lame.
I’m not sure question should have the dots after it. Maybe a comma would suit that better? It just doesn’t seem to flow right with the dots there. But I liked the humor you added at the end of the sentence. That was a good choice.

Dwight’s like one of those ulcers you get on the inside of your cheek: annoying because you just can’t help but tongue it.
That mental image was quite unpleasant. But I must compliment you on how well done that description was. Because it was well done.

“Okay, okay. So what are you having? No, wait, let me guess: ham and cheese as always.” I nod, and she laughs.
Again, I don’t think the dots should be there. The sentence doesn’t seem to flow right with those there. I keep forgetting what those dots are called though…

“Ok. I guess I’ll be there.”
I think it’d be better if you spelled out the entire word okay instead of abbreviating it like that.

I’m slightly disappointed by the serious lack of words or explanations, but I’m trying to stay positive. At least she didn’t turn me down. I don’t think I can handle that sort of rejection again.
I liked the feel you gave there. It was a hopeful yet disappointed feeling. And I liked how you managed to fit that into the story, it was really well done.

Overall, I did like this chapter. There weren’t very mistakes except for the ones I pointed out for you. You’ve got good writing skills. It was a nice read.

Okay. Yeah. I hadn't read the second chapter before commenting. So I know it's Ryan now. ;)

Okay I just had to stop for a second;; I just read "Manilla Envelopes", and is the "attractive guy" Ryan? Just a question. ;)

Aw, thanks!

I didn't mean for it to sound so much like Fight Club, I must have done it subconsciously because I had just watched Fight Club earlier that day XD

The part about Ryan hating Jim is actually in the show, but they never really give a reason for it =/

I'm going to fix some of the things you brought up right now so I don't forget.

Er, typo.
When I said "I like the idea being the crossed out text", I meant "behind the crossed out text". Sorry!

Story Review Game.

[Chapter Ten.]

Dwight retorts – Unless Jim insulted him first, he shouldn’t be ‘retorting’ to anything. I’d change the word use.

Dwight’s like one of those ulcers you get on the inside of your cheek: annoying because you just can’t help but tongue it. – SO VERY SIMILAR to the “cut on the roof of your mouth” line in Fight Club. Judging by your siggy, I’m betting this isn’t an accident. Love it! Though I don’t think Jim is exactly matched up to the Narrator’s aloof indifference. He seems too nice. [/pointless rant]

Every day Michael asks me to go out for lunch with him, and every day I turn him down. – This feels Fight Club-ish, too. Seems like something the Narrator would say. Is it intentional?

I smirk as she opens a hot pink Hello Kitty lunchbox. – I have one of those.

Somehow I felt that sneaking around with “top secret” notes to keep away from Dwight was the closest I’d ever get to being James Bond. – I love this. It’s kind of sarcastic, but at the same time it’s entertaining. It’s great!

I like the idea being the crossed out text (too lazy to Ctrl+C Ctrl+V it). However, I think a mental argument with himself would have expanded further on Jim’s character. Crossed out text in stories is a big no-no for me, usually, because it’s always felt a bit... Junior High, to be honest.

Whew, done reading now.

I liked this chapter. I also like the story better from Jim’s point of view. He’s a more interesting narrator, I think, than Jana. I really want to know why Ryan hates him. Is that part of the show, or no?

Anyways. This story has been getting better as I read it. You seem to take con/crit very well, and actually apply it – something that I don’t see very often, I might add. I love the tone you set with this story, how everything’s sort of boring (at the office) and has that flies-buzzing-in-a-window mood, until Jana and Jim start talking or goofing off, and then the whole thing comes to life. Love it.

This story pwns. (Yeah, I’m a loser, but that’s how I feel. )

aww yayy thwyre going out =]]

Story Review Game.
I’m reviewing chapter nine. (:
Okay, first things first, I think somewhere in the second paragraph, as you start to mention her you should include her name, because I have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about.

Because it’s so short and you didn’t have any obvious typos that I noticed, I can’t offer much, I’m sorry.
But I feel like maybe Jim’s being a bit melodramatic, because first he’s kind of whining about Pam ripping his heart out. But then, a paragraph later, he’s thinking about Jana and wanting to see her.

But that’s really all! No grammatical errors that I noticed, so good job there.
:D

Thanks for the review, I'm going to fix some of the things you mentioned.