Paper Hearts - Comments

STORY REVIEW GAME:

I’m going to be reading Chapter Nine.

I loved the beginning to the chapter. It was all quite professional-sounding, the narration was just flowing nicely and then you threw this in there: I had forgotten what a badass movie that is. It just made me laugh and it also made the narration seem more personal.

Work was the hardest part because I couldn’t help but look over at her now and again.

I really liked this line; I just felt that there was more emotion behind it than there was in the only parts of the story.

Mark thinks I’m depressed, but he doesn’t know that I’m raging a constant battle with myself just to force her from my mind.
&&
I must admit that these last couple weeks have been easier; I haven’t thought about Pam nearly as much.

These two lines contradicted each other heavily. Just make sure you keep all your emotions in order, unless the second sentence is being said a couple weeks after that Saturday night. You could leave it, I suppose, but I personally, don’t think it works very well.

“Hey Jim, whatcha up to?” her soft twangy voice rings in my ear.

I didn’t like the bolded part of that sentence. I can’t imagine a voice sounding twangy and soft at the same time. Maybe I’m just not getting it, that could be it. I just don’t really like those two adjectives together.

Two months is long enough, it's time to move on…

I liked this ending very much. It was the perfect way to end the chapter. And I’m very glad that you made this one sentence into its own paragraph. It gives it that much more emphasis. I’m not sure if I like the triple periods (that has a name that has left me right now hahaha) or not. I like it in the way that it makes me feel unsure if Jim will actually be able to move on, but I don’t like it in the sense that the sentence seems stern and strong, I think it could have been more effective with a full-stop. But that’s entirely up to you; I like it either way.

Thanks for the review and your Grammar Nazi-ness (which I find very helpful )!

Story Review Game.

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Summary:

When Jana Greene made the move from New York City to Scranton, Pennsylvania; she hoped a change in setting would make her life simpler, but she couldn't have been more wrong.

I really don’t think the semi-colon works here. I’d just make it a comma.

Overall, I like your summary. It doesn’t give away too much, but it’s sort of a teaser: ...make her life simpler... This makes me wonder why she moved, why she wants her life to be simpler.

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I decided to review chapter eight.

In the first paragraph, you switch tenses a lot. It start out present tense (It is my first causal Friday; I am excited), but then it switched to past perfect (I had decided), I believe.

I like the bit about Kelly. I get a clear impression that, while Jana is her friend, she also can’t stand her. I may be wrong, but it seems like the kind of friend-hate that some people have. (I’ve never watched The Office, so I don’t know if Kelly is actually annoying or not... or even if she’s a canon character.)

When I say “awhile back,” I mean that this cd has “Hey Ya” on it, so awhile back.

I love this sentence. It’s witty, slightly quirky, and it makes me laugh. It’s a good hint to her character, if she’s a witty and quirky person. However, “CD” should be capitalized, and I believe “awhile” should be “a while”. (I apologize now for being a Grammar Nazi. )

Anyways, no one is rarely in the parking lot at the same time,

The part I bolded doesn’t really make sense. You could use No one is really in the parking lot at the same time, -or- Rarely are two people in the parking lot at the same time Just the way you’ve phrased it reads awkwardly.

Two seconds later: I love that she’s dancing in her car to “Hey Ya”.

When the song was finally over and I had gotten all the bounciness out of my system,

Here, again, you do the tense-switching thing. The part of the sentence I quoted is in past-tense, and it jumped to present-tense after the comma.

I like the casual relationships between Jana and her coworkers. It’s very well-developed. I’ve come into this story at a random chapter, and I already have a good picture of her friendship with them painted for me. Good job!

–she laments as her greenish blue eyes stare at her fingers as she types.

This is a bit of a run-on, with two “as+object+action” statements. Perhaps you could break it up, or write it differently?
(Again, I’m sorry about my Grammar Nazi-ness. .)

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. This story is now my hero.

Michael did manage to keep things entertaining (even if I was the only one entertained) by doing different poses and activities in his jeans.

For some reason, I really love this sentence. It’s descriptive of the work environment, of Michael himself, and of Jana’s sense of humor, all at once. It’s difficult to do so much with so few words, but you’ve pulled it off nicely.

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Overall, it was very good. I like your writing style. It’s casual, but at the same time it doesn’t get too “personal” as I’ve seen some stories do. I generally hate stories written in a first-person perspective, but your did very well. I can honestly say yours is one of the few first-person stories I can stand.

Great job!

Story Review Game
Chapter 9
I haven’t read the rest of the story, so I’m going to do my best with the review.

I really don’t get the point of the picture in the chapter. If it’s a banner for the story, why do you need more than the one that’s in the summary? I don’t see the significance to it. But maybe I’ll see it when I read the actual chapter, just doesn’t make much sense to have another picture there right now.

Mark thinks I’m depressed, but he doesn’t know that I’m raging a constant battle with myself just to force her from my mind.
I like the emotions you wrote into that small piece. It helps the reader feel the same emotions the character does. Or at least, it gives us a good idea of what emotions he’s feeling. And it does kind of speak for himself on what emotions he’s feeling and what is going through his mind.

She’s a fucking tease, and I hate her for it.
I think it would have been better if you hadn’t crossed out hate right there. Because with a strike out, in my opinion, it gives us the idea that they’re saying that word but they don’t mean it and to eliminate that word from the sentence. And usually the correct word follows after the strike out, but you didn’t have a word that said his real emotions. A strike out on that word just doesn’t seem proper to me.

I’m guessing this is a fanfiction based off The Office? I’ve never seen that show. But despite me never having watch it and not reading the other chapters, I felt comfortable reading the chapter. The character was well described and it was sort of easy to understand him. Your writing is really good as well. I didn’t find any mistakes really, just one or two grammar errors. And that’s really good. Your writing also flows naturally and it didn’t seem forced at all. Good job on the story, it was good.

Thanks for commenting =)

Oh oh oh, and I would looove a sequel!

I can't believe this is the only Office fanfic. I love Jim, he's so cute xD
This story is really good so far! I can't wait for Jim to get over Pam. I used to like her, but in the new episodes, she's suuuch a beeyotch. I hope it's just the mood swings.

Thanks guys! On the Ryan/Kelly story, some people said they'd like, others wouldn't, so I'll probably just end up doing a one-shot because there isn't a ton of material on Ryan and Kelly's relationship.

And the sequel is pretty much already planned out in my head, so there will definitely be a sequel.

^ And thanks, I will consider doing a Jim/Pam story, but honestly, I probably won't do it just because I don't like Jim and Pam together, I liked Jim better with Karen, but eh. You never know...

These chapters were a bit slow for me, but I did like reading about what Jim felt. With Jana's point of view, you only really see his flirty, mischevious side. But seeing just how hung up and distraught he was over Pam is nice, as it helps us all understand just how much of a sweetheart he really is. Please make him end up with Jana, haha.

As for a sequel - go for it! Just make sure you leave enough material to work with for the next part!

Finally, I don't think a Ryan and Kelly story would be too interesting. I would love it if you made more of a Jim and Pam one. Like, it could focus on their relationship right after they got together in the beginning. But that's just an idea! I'd probably still read your Ryan and Kelly story (:

Jim's thoughts about Pam pretty much broke my heart. I especially loved the part where he says that he would date Jana if he could. It shows just how hung up on Pam he is, which is exactly how his character was always portrayed in the early seasons of the show. Bravo.

Thanks! I know, he's adorable =)

aww i really loved these chapters
jana seems so sweet
and i liekd jims pov! hes such a cutie (:

I did that sort of snorting laugh in the back of your throat when Jim's voice is dripping with sarcasm. Because I didn't know it was dripping with sarcasm until I read that it was and then I just reread and did that weird laugh I just mentioned. I like that your story encourages my body to make involuntary noises. That sounds weird. I mean laughs, not bodily functions.

I like her questioning of the nickname "Jimmy" and the reasoning behind it. It's pretty funny and original, but it's not so original that it's unbelievable.

I also like that she automatically feels bad for the waitress, whom she accurately sums up for us without thinking she's a slut or saying she's skanky or 'she looks nice wtf is she doing here'. It makes her seem like such a genuinely nonjudgmental person.

I read your author's notes and I didn't notice any place where it slid out of tense. I know what you mean about accidentally switching from present to past. Happens to me all the time.

This was a filler chapter, as you stated, but it wasn't like it dragged and we were bored waiting for the action. It did exactly what a filler chapter should do: keep us interested and entertained while waiting.

Thanks, and I will be updating very soon =)

Please update soon! I just began reading this yesterday, but I can't help but wish for a million more chapters. I find Jim extremely adorable, and I'm quite jealous of the girl, haha. Anyways, thanks for being the only person on here with an Office fanfic! Props to you (:

^ Thanks for commenting! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

aww i LOVED it
cant wait for more

Aw, thanks Dru. Your reviews are the best =)

I've read chapters 5 & 6, so I'm going back in time and reading 7.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You have a knack for describing characters and making it full of life. When you describe your characters, I get a sense of who they are, not just what they look like. You pulled this off really well with Phyllis.

Delaney’s was like the ugly bastard child of a disco club and a sports bar. >> I love it. It's so inappropriate, but that's why I love it.

The dialogue between the girls is so natural and flows so well. It's just like anything I would say with my girlfriends. I like that, dialogue that you know is real.

lord knows how many Lil Wayne remixes later >> I like the elapse of time. It shows two things. One, that she can't keep track of time because she's either buzzed or having a ton of fun and I like that thing with a rapper's name and the term remix, because that's how it really is in a bar.

Ahhh, so now I know why he was at her apartment. I like that. It's something that could really happen, calling a friend to make sure another friend got home okay.

I do wish that there had been a little more to the puking scene. It just seemed so quick to me. One sentence.

I did love how he immediately ran for the bathroom, but told her it wasn't a big deal. and I love love love her line about "you smell so good and I'm so drunk". it's absolutely hilarious and it's true, but some fucking funny.

Obviously, the bathrobe part was pretty damn hilarious as well. And the way they used "proper names" when saying good night even though the conversation wasn't very proper at all.

Story Review Game.

First off, the summary. It was interesting and managed to hook me in, even though I have never watched The Office and heard about it. I live under a rock in that way :P

Chapter ONE: This was interesting. Usually, introductions seem kind of boring, but I like how you've made it interesting. The way you described the office itself and the knick-knacks, that made me LOL, as well as the description about autumn. It didn't seem like you had just thrown it in, it fitted well and flowed beautifully with the rest of what you wrote.
“Aw, you don’t have to ‘sir’ me. Even though I’m your boss, I’m your friend first,” he laughed and held out his hand for a high five, “Don’t leave me hanging now!” I found this hilarious. After looking The Office up on wikipedia, I realise that this a comedic story and the humour you have is LOL-able.

Chapter TWO: I liked how you introduced 'Ryan' and 'Kelly'. They seem like interesting characters, but I get the feeling that your main character already knows them too well. Also, it'd help if you gave the readers some description on the characters if they don't know them, ie. myself. :)

Chapter THREE: I liked this chapter - I enjoyed reading the descriptions of the characters, as well as the banter that was shared among the characters. It was amusing to read.
Damn, he looked good, but he was technically with Kelly, so I’d back off Everything made sense up to 'I'd back off'. Instead of writing that, you could say 'so I should back off'. I know it's a minor thing, but I'm a little bit of a freak like that XD

Chapter FOUR: I LOVED reading the description of Pam, and I enjoyed how you compared Pam to Michael to give it more description.
Delaney's was like the ugly bastard child of a disco club and a sports bar. - I laughed hard at this one. It was a well written comment.
I also LOVED reading about Jim's smell. As soon as I had finished reading it, my nose was doing this weird sniffy thing. I thought Jana's drunkness was adorable, and how forgiving Jim was about puking all over her. He's so adorable - it's obvious he likes her.

Chapter FIVE: I noticed in this chapter how you seemed to switch tenses a lot.
“Apparently very,” I tease him “but at least you’re stable.” The word 'tease' should be in past tense, and there should be a comma after 'him'. It seemed when you were writing this either you had a lot of ideas, or you were rushing to write this, but spell check would be awesome if you used it. Thankfully, this chapter is the only chapter with spelling mistakes, so that's all good. :)

Chapter SIX: This was probably my favourite chapter out of all of the chapters. It was funny, especially the flirty teasing between Jimmy and Jana, the pranks that were played and the warnings that went along with it, and the way Jana tried to make it seem that she liked Jimmy, when she said, ... I imagine trying to kiss him, not that I ever would or anything.

Overall, this story has great potential and the way you incorporate the humour mixed in with sarcasm is done so well :) Well done.