^ Thanks, I'll try to fix the things that you're talking about because now that you've brought it up, it makes sense.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:16am
So reading this, I tried to look at it as an original story, not as someone who’s familiar with the show, but I couldn’t. Whenever I read a line, I could only smile to myself because I can well imagine what who the characters are and what their personalities are like. So, in advance, I apologize if this isn’t a very helpful review.
Chapter 1
She gave me a sympathetic smile as she led me into the manager’s office. It was as if she knew something I didn't.
When reading this, I felt that the second sentence was unnecessary and made this part a bit too wordy. I think the readers can gather, from the “sympathetic smile”, that something is up, so it doesn’t need to be further explained. Doing so picks a bit of the mystery away from the story.
His office looked like how I imagined some genius five-year-old entrepreneur’s office would look like.
This line reads really choppy. There’s something about the wording that doesn’t flow well, and the repetition of the phrase “look like” isn’t good.
I was both amused and throw off at the same time, desperate to know what was to come.
“Throw off” should be “thrown off.”
I think, since you used “both” you don’t need to say “at the same time.” Both phrases express the same idea, so it’s repetitive if you use both, and that messes with the flow of the sentence.
I found it interesting that she, Jana, made such a drastic change in her life - from fashion editor to paper pusher. Eh. I’m not too sure about that. I mean, I understand people looking for a change of scenery and all, and maybe looking to settle into a more easy going life, but the two careers seem a bit too different, you know? I don’t know if that makes sense, to me. I’d think that being a fashion editor, she would have had some passion for it – it’s not really a job people go into unless it’s what they want, being so hard to get into/to start out, and there’s no real guarantee that they’d be successful at it…hmm. It’s interesting, at the least.
I do like that you mentioned the bit about being in a new place and feeling lonely. I like that she doesn’t automatically have friends, or perhaps roommates, or someone to keep her company. I like that she’s really starting out completely fresh.
My thoughts were disrupted when Michael strolled into the room, an enthusiastic smile spread across his face and his youthful blue eyes sparkling.
Here, I just thought it was weird that she thought of him as Michael and not Mr. Scott. Since she’s new to the job and not familiar with her boss and co-workers, I thought she’d still be in a formal state of mind.
Well that’s fine, I’ll just have our top salesman Jim Halpert train you for a couple weeks before you start making your own sales.
Dwight is the top salesman! How dare you! He won salesperson of the month thirteen times in twelve months!
Chapter 2
I asked the attractive guy that sat beside me, who I found out was Ryan.
Though the actual length of this sentence isn’t long, when I read it, it seems to extend too long. Maybe if you take out who I found out was and just leave it as, “I asked the attractive guy that sat beside me, Ryan.”
I was beginning to realize that Ryan was a little bit of a jerk.
I kind of thought that was too quick of a judgment, on her part. I think that only having been in the office for a day, she wouldn’t really be able to see how much of a jerk Ryan was, just yet. And I’m guessing that Ryan is still just a temp. here? Or a salesperson? If he is, temp-Ryan wasn’t much of a jerk because he lacked power…Yeah. :(
…so his annoying creepster assistant Dwight was bossing everyone around today…
Here, again, it seems like the character is making more assumptions than she should be able to make. You know? It’s like she knows more about the characters than she should, considering that she’s only been in the office for a day – so reading this, I can’t really get into the story, as it is. I’m just too aware that this is a fanfic because too much is being given away at once. The character knows too much. It’s kind of like she used the watch “The Office” and then suddenly she was pulled into the show and so she knows everything about them already.
I mean, remember when you first started watching the show (I assume you watch the show), like you didn’t right away know that Ryan was a jerk or that Dwight was as annoying as he is. You had to learn that stuff as the show progressed. Does that make any sense?
I just think that people who haven’t seen the show might be a bit lost, and I worry that the non-original characters won’t get fully developed throughout the story because they’re already solidified in your head (because of the story), and readers who don’t watch the show, might see the other characters as empty.
I agreed to go with her because I was lonely and Kelly seemed very likeable.
Here, this line, doesn’t seem like a line that belongs in a story. It’s just so…forward. With the story in first person, I just don’t think this is believable. I think it’s too straightforward and it comes off as kind of robotic.
As I continue reading, it feels like you assume the readers are familiar with the story. The lack of description of the other characters, other than their names and one fact about them (Kelly – the Indian girl, Ryan – the hot guy, Dwight – the creepy right-hand man), makes it hard for me to really get into the story. I mean, it works for the show because it’s visual, but in a story context, it just seems empty and I feel like something is missing.
I wasn’t ready to be that close to her yet.
It feels like the narrator is divulging too much. These little bits feel unnatural in first person. Like, if I were talking to a person and I said something like that, for the same reason, I wouldn’t be think in my head “I’m not ready to be that close to her yet,” even if that’s how I was feeling. I don’t think people articulate their personal thoughts that way, you know? Also, it’s something that the readers can kind of pick up on, so mentioning it is blunt in a way that doesn’t enhance the story.
It was as if I told her that I worshipped Satan in my spare time.
I liked this line. I think it was a nice kind of subtle way of telling a bit about Kelly – that she would react that way to someone simply not believing in soulmates.
I said, watching the small ton of Scranton glide by my window.
Just a typo. Town.
Chapter 3
When we finally returned to Dunder Mifflin
I think that was actually the first time you mentioned the name of the company, which is weird. Since she just started the job, I think it’s important that you mention that in the first chapter.
I still wasn’t completely familiarized with all the strange faces of my co-workers.
Another one of those things better left unsaid. The reader knows that she’s new to job, so no one expects her to know everyone right off the bat.
he actually spent the majority of his time cleaning up after Michael’s faux pas. All of these factors combined in addition to Michael’s odd personality somehow made Toby Flanderson appear as the ultimate nemesis in Michael’s eyes.
Again, how could she possibly know all this? I think day two is too soon for her have picked up on all this – on the strife between Michael and Toby, and how Toby has had to clean up after Michael in the past – I mean, she could barely put a face to the name.
In the chapter previous, I stated that you didn’t give enough on the characters, but in this chapter I feel like you pushed in too much information. It felt like you were just kind of pushing in character information to get it out of the way, rather than easing it in – it just seems like an avalanche of character description.
Sagging is not allowed on casual Fridays, you guys can thank Toby for that one.
That line actually made me laugh. Michael’s bit of dialogue was funny, to me. I like how you put a bit of his snappy attitude in this dialogue. You get a bit of his character to show without shoving it down the reader’s throat.
I had never met Angela personally because she worked in Accounting, which was across the office from where my desk was, but I could definitely tell she was a bitch.
Ack! The assumptions are killing me. I don’t think that, having not met Angela and without having any personal run-ins, that Jana would be able to get to such a conclusion about Angela, especially since Angela works in another part of the office and it’s been less than two days. I mean, even seeing Angela look angry all the time, I’m just not sure “bitch” would be the immediate thought.
He always wore the same dull mustard yellow button down short-sleeved shirt and olive green neck tie paired with brown slacks.
Two days! XD She’s been in the office for two days, so she can’t really say that anyone always does anything.
I glanced behind me to see Jim Halpert crippled over with laughter.
This part was a bit odd, for me (someone who watches the show); Jim usually tries to keep a straight face during his tom-foolery. I don’t really see him bowling over in laughter after just one silly comment.
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This was the first “The Office” fanfic I’ve ever read. I think it’s interesting and I like that you’re sticking to the personality of the characters but creating different scenarios and bringing in a new character. I think that makes the story a bit more fresh and not so predictable.
The Hooters part was so him! I loved that part.
