November 4th, 2009 at 05:05am
Just a warning before I actually start commenting -- I absolutely love, love, love quoting, and I tend to make a little comment or note every few lines or paragraphs, so the thing that I have to say will correspond to what you've written from the beginning to the end.
Here we go.
...her alto voice dripping with sweetness. That paints a truly lovely picture. It makes me wonder if Deja has a voice like an eccentric instrument or something.
When you will need it, I do not know. Maybe you could barter it for something more needed. I won't need it. I think the word 'need' is used to much in these sentences. Because 'needed' kind of sounds like 'need it' if you say it quickly, the word sounds too repetitive.
...handed it to her strong daughter. What do you mean by 'strong' daughter? Strong as in mentally, physically, etc...?
...belonging to multiply women... Did you mean 'multiple' instead of 'multiply'?
Oh, this reminds me of a horror film. Or some random video game. What kind of twisted world is this?! Earth?
You mispelled 'probably'. It came out as 'probally' instead. Sorry, I'm picky about grammar.
...happen to her... Deja thought, drifting off as. The pain was unbearable. You didn't finish the sentence! Or did you mean for the period to be non-existant and for 'The pain was unbearable' to be melded into the previous one?
Simply because this one-shot involved zombies, a symbol of something horrific, I expected the writing to make my blood rush and my heart to pound. Sorry to say that it did neither of those things. I was anticipating a huge lead up into the excitement and climax. A smidge dull where excitement should have been included.
I don't exactly understand the signifigance of the necklace. Was it made the title because it was Deja's last present from her mother? Or was it something else?
Maybe it's just me being without much emotion or concentration today, maybe not.
Overall there's just a sense of slight let-down.
This was...wow. But in a good way. I loved the concept of it and how the title sort of confused me to the subject of the story.
I do have a few criticisms though. Some sentences just seemed...well, abrupt. It seemed very short and didn't have enough detail. I also didn't get a picture of the whole situation in my head. And the zombies coming out of nowhere was kind of weird.
Overall, I loved the concept. It was an enjoyable read, but I think it needed some adjustments.