January 18th, 2010 at 03:43am
Well, It was good.
I liked it, but the font was SUPER hard to read.
So...could you change it, I'd have for someone to be a Nazi and report you.
xx Marissa
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One teeny recommendation for how your words fit together, here: All she does is start arguments and all he can do is follow her around like a love sick fucking puppy. A comma after arguments, and put the word "fucking" before "love sick". Otherwise it sort-of sounds like you're talking about a puppy that actually fucks people, and is love sick.
She doesn’t ever seem to like him, not like Tucker loves her. This sentence is a little confusing. I'm thinking, "Who is Tucker?" It kind of sounds like you're introducing another dude, out of nowhere.
He tries to work things out with Cessie, he does, Turn this into it's own sentence, rather than letting it run on with the rest. As for the rest: She just doesn’t “have the patience”, she claims, for his “stupid games”. Put the comma after "have the patience", before the end of the quotation marks. Like this --> "have the patience,". Sorry to be a grammar Nazi, but I'm only trying to help.
Because he loves her, anyone can tell. It’s in his eyes, the way they twinkle and light up when Cessie leans in for the ever-so-rare hug, or simply when she whispers in his ear, like she used to.
Used to, as in, doesn’t anymore; hasn’t in a very long while. Aw... this bit is sweet. It's a great description of that love that's just so innocent, and... sort-of melancholy. Like a disappointed secret admirer.
Why she sticks around when it’s obvious in her constantly flat brown eyes that she doesn’t want to, no one knows. This line is good-- it gets the reader wondering. Thinking, "Wait, she's still there, but she doesn't love him? What, then?"
Maybe it’s because Tucker and Cessie had what everyone wants; You switch tenses here. Make "wants" to "wanted", and it's all good.
"...the love, the character mesh, the promise of forever. This is really good. It shows you just what they've got, and at the same time, a pretty excellent little description of what love is like. Although, I feel you could add more emotion to it. Make me feel that love. I want to know exactly how this guy feels, because he can't have her. Make me feel. Don't just show me.
Or maybe Cessie is just a bitch, because Tucker is everyone’s favorite guy. He’s got no enemies, everyone’s his friends, he’s every teacher’s favorite student. Tucker is the kid everyone wants to be, so maybe Cessie is jealous. Here, it sort-of sounds like you're ranting, not telling a story... you know what I mean? It's hard to follow, because as I read it, I feel like I'm literally listening to one of my gossipy high-school friends b**ch about someone. Maybe follow my last piece of advice, and add some other emotion, besides anger. Try not to rush it so much. It'll be much better that way.
Not like it’d surprise anyone, anyway; Cessie is a bitch. Cessie owes her whole reputation and image to Tucker, because Tucker made her popular. Tucker gave her a shot, and at first, it was cute, what the two of them had. You're starting to fit in the actual story-line here. Which, is actually pretty thought-provoking. I like it. When stories make you wonder, no matter how easy that may seem, it's really incredible. No matter how "small" the wonder may be... if that makes sense.
Eventually, Tucker fell harder than he should’ve, and Cessie started whoring around. It was pretty common knowledge, rumors spread like fucking wildfire in the small town. Cessie blew a guy at a party, told her best friend Caelyn, and Caelyn is, of course, one of those girls that keeps secrets as well as she keeps her legs closed. And yeah, Caelyn’s been pregnant more than once. This makes you think, like, "Whoa!" Heh, I mean, not in a bad way... but, it exposes a lot of the drama. Which, is interesting, and adds to the plot.
Not the point, though, the point is that Tucker deserves better and won’t change. End the sentence after "though". Start a new sentence with, "The point is...".
I like your switch to adding dialogue, after the little inserted break.
Tucker’s face got red, and looked miserable, as if he kind of couldn’t believe it. Aww... y'know, this is actually a good presentation of Tucker's characterization, here. Which is incredibly important.
Everyone else in the lunchroom immediately got quiet, but turned around in their seats, facing away from the fight. They didn’t want to overhear anything, but they wanted to know everything; they didn’t want to seem nosy, but fuck, did they want to see the relationship crash and burn. For the record, this bit is absolutely flawless. Perfect conveyance of the typical eavesdroppers, and gossipers, etc. that you find in a high school.
One problem I have that I didn't really intend on pointing out until this point--
I feel that you use the word "bitch" too many times, whilst describing Cessie. I get that you're trying to portray her as... well, a bitch, but... a different name wouldn't be terrible.
“We’re over, Tucker. You’re a terrible boyfriend,” Cessie almost yelled. Go deeper, for the reader's sake, here. I know this whole thing is supposed to be public, and shouldn't really be too much... but, again, make me feel for him. Even if it's only her talking, at the moment. Also, along the way to this point, and as I just previously mentioned, you call Cessie a bitch, quite a lot-- prove that, in what she says. I'm tellin' ya, if she really is as bad as you say, she'll go all out, here.
Tucker stood from his seat, took his tray up to the return, and simply walked out the side door.
Every student was silent, for ten whole seconds, before erupting.
Some of them even went so far as throwing their opened and full milk cartons at the girl, who was trying to stand confidently and triumphantly, as if she’d done a good deed. Now, this... this is amazing. Just how he gets up, without a word, and leaves-- I think that leaves room for more emotion, than the most incredible detail could give, when it comes to breaking up. And the fact that the cafeteria actually goes against her-- I love that. Not too typical, and, really, a twist.
No one understood why they stayed together for so long, they simply didn’t work together.
Tucker was a great guy and Cessie was a slutty bitch who really didn’t deserve him, because he loved her and she used him. This isn't bad. But, it's not extraordinary. Make it ironic.
I like how it's similar to the very beginning of this story, but I feel that it could be better.
Overall, I have to say, this story wasn't exactly to my taste. However, I don't see why it shouldn't be, for others. (Personally, I have more taste for fanfic, if you couldn't tell. Don't take it to heart, really.) You're a good writer, but you do have room to improve.
Don't let that stop you, though. It isn't hard, if you just practice, some more.
This is well-written, for sure. Mind-blowing in some spots, and disappointing in others.
But, I enjoyed reviewing it.
Well done.