Carefully Guarded - Comments

O if you could i think we could make the transition bettter and more deatailed if you decribe flame a bit after a show, fake smiles, crazie ladies and everything... but most of all portray her hatred of the place.... that would add detail, empasis and fulfill your wish to descrie all the crazy acts ina circus :D

lol in the last quote from emma is says 'you can be sure im not a mass murder.' XD shes not dead :P though that would be and AWESOME story twist... she could tottally just start to see dead people... side effect from hanging around the phyciks at the circus... lol being close to them could aweken a part in her ^-^ somehow i get that's not the angle u are going for so can u change it depsite the fact that that would destroy my over active imaginations secret desires :P still think Emma should have an alternate motive... no person is that nice (well maybe SOMEONE is but it makes for a stale character) now if you had her have a reason for wanting to collect friends (doesn't have many, hates the one she has, or somehting happened in her past, which might include daddy abusive issues or a murdered friend/family member). LOVE the story so far... sorry bout the rambling i tend to do that :) keep writing. i want to see how the characters and plot will spice up :P will there be a hot guy anywhere in the picture? (perferably WITH a picture :P) that ALWAYS spice things up with how the people react.. sorry for such a long, run on comment.. i ramble and dont like grammer... good job can't wait for more (does anyone know how to do vamp fangs on a smile on the computer? i dont see how right now) -JO

Wow its great sorry I just got your message. I hope this is the one you wanted me to read? if not let me know and I will read the next one. Really like it

I'm curious to see where you are taking this so don't stop writing it! Yes this was a little slow of a chapter but Hayley met someone new and I"m sure she will become great friends with her. Now all I need is Will in the picture and life will be perfect :) Update soon!

I just started reading this and it sounds pretty interesting. I'm definitely interested in the amulet and what will happen when/if (though I assume she does, simply because things that aren't supposed to happen always do happen) she falls in love. Once I read the rest, I'll leave you a proper comment. :)

yup, definitely short
my main complaint is that his mother's reaction was unrealistic. this is her son that was kidnapped for years! devotion or not, she's still gonna have a problem with him leaving!
Plus, why did they keep him that long? I understand why they kidnapped him, but why not just kill him? they had to pay for guards, food, etc
Last, I think you are getting confused about your point of view. First it was Flame, 1st person. Then it was Will, 3rd person and now you have his mother, 3rd person

yep! that is THE shortest chapter YOU'VE written, but I've seen shorter. :P It's an okay filler, really didn't do much to enhance the plot. Just made more ?'s arise.

Why does Will's mom not have a problem letting go of her son when she hasn't seen him in like forever?
Why was Will's little heroic act (the girl he saved) over at Will's mom's house?
Is Will an only child?
If so, see first ? only add to it.

-too tired right now to come up with more ?'s, will later
-peace out

chapter six and five are good. I don't think you showed enough emotion when will leaves the former girl. But it is your story so go with what you want. Going to continue writing my own so peace out for now.

very good, please continue and maybe write more in each chapter instead of putting up short ones. It makes the read better and not so flighty.

I like the plot line and the story is really interesting. I can't wait for the next part, but try not to rush it too much okay? I really like the characters and Flame seems really unique, but just try not to make the end or the climax come to fast. Slow things down a bit, add more background, more detail. Enjoy writing the story. Still, pretty good :)

okay so i am soo the most frequent commenter... well so far. I like the sotries plot/intrique/and deatails but i have a prob with some of the situationals.

1st-when will and flame are talking about past and she says I'll tell you on a train or something, you switch right to train scene. that seems to be much to rushed for me, it would work out better if you had flame say instead of 'on a train or something' say 'later' or maybe 'when we aren't on the run for our lives' you know those are all good. If you still demand to stay with the 'train' at least put some space in between the talking about talking and the actual talking.

2nd- Will's mother should still remember him. It's only been a year. I get that the girl would be obsessed with Will for a long-long-long time but still will's mother should recognize him. Unless you can make it a longer time they have been gone. Guys don't change that mush form 16 to 17 but if you had it be from 13 to 17 yeah there is a HUGE change that even Will's mother won't be able to recognize from a glance.

3rd- I hope you spank that will's lil behind for going after Flame. will we get to see why flame was locked up? The plot has been good so far, but i think the entire thing has been more of a subplot to me. The main problem should be introduced soon, i get it that they were locked up and escaped, but who are they running from and why? I hope you will clear up the confusion in the coming chapters.

4th- It seems a bit rushed. Well, not rushed, but that your skipping from scene to scene without any real connectors. exp. they went from talking while running to suddenly being on the train, they suddenly escaped without any dodging and or injuries.

5th- like the awesome member's post ahead of me (:P) this is an awesome story with REAL potential to be one of the good i read. Characters rule and have the REAL factor for me (even if dialog falls a little short in some places- have to reread then tell you where). Plot is good. O my god, the intrigue is awesome in this story, you balance that well with actually giving out information. Suspense is also huge. I'm loving this mostly all around.

**if i am EVER to hard a critique-er, please tell, and do i get extra points for haveing the longest comment?? ;)**

I'm very impressed, I enjoyed it a lot. The dialogue is very witty, but (like TwinkleToes said) its sometimes confusing to follow. Also, the pacing is aa bit too fast, but that could just be my opinion. Flame is an awesome name and I love how its actually her last name instead of just being some random name she made up. However in chapter 4, you switch from having Flame's 1st person narration to Will's 3rd person, which is a bit odd, though not entirely unheard off.
All in all, I think it was an excellent tale with a good plot and great characters

Keep it up, you've got talent (and I'm not just saying that. I really think you do.)

So like yeah....Kelsey...what the hell? I don't like her. I just sense it now. She's evil. lol. Will definitely needs to see through that facade really quickly or else Kelsey will not be happy to meet me :) Not that you would write me into the story, just that she'd be on my 'wish they would die' list. I wanna know why she suddenly made them go inside. Did she see her trying to sneak out? I don't like Kelsey. Have I mentioned that before? haha. Anywho, update soon!

YEAH!! you tottally fixed it thanks.. it rocks now but that is my opinion...

commenting on comment earlier....
If you could double return after people say things

"like quotes"

"So we can tell who's talking" would be awesome that way the reader can get more into it without too many headaches.... (jk but some soooo do give migraine)

this is a quote from the second chapter...

"“You shouldn’t do that.” I spun around with my hands on hips.
“And why not!” I demanded.
“Because it’s not morally right.” I smirked.
“Good thing that my morals aren’t the best then isn’t it?”

... It reads like she's talking to herself... though we know she's talking to Will... can you fix it by adding a Will said (or something) to the first line?

I liked it though will seems to preppy for someone locked in a cage for a long time.... Flame is a good character. I still give a thumbs up! :) I think the story would flow better if you gave more backround in the coming chapters....
??'s i see....
How long was Will in there?
Where is he from?
What in the world happened to Flame?
And will Will and Flame get together and be lovey dovey or disastrous?? (I'm voting for the latter but that's just me)

The story is intriguing and good.... keep writing... :)

cool.
ummmmm.... here's my comment:
i like the beginning.... can't wait to here more
you definitely have a good start
liv

I think...i think that she will try to pull away. That just seems to be her nature. Though Will seems kinda cool too. He definitely has a past that we don't know about yet and possibly one that intertwines with Flame. I'm definitely anxious to see if they get chased after or not. We'll see what happens when you post next...which will be soon I hope :D

Fabulous chapter!

I like this story though the last little bit bout 'she was so precious' or something like that when you were talking bout love would have made more sense if you used the word it instead of she. And it would be nice if you could elaborate more on details (never have enough in anyone's) that way the readers can read and know EXACTLY what's going on not just glimpses. overall two thumbs up :)

I like it so far. Its good : ]

I believe that your story will get better. :) At first, I enjoyed your main character. But I couldn't really grasp it as much as I wanted to. Plus, your text especially the bold part seems to be crammed. :P Maybe double spacing would be a good idea. :)