Walking Through Insanity - Comments

  • call of the wild

    call of the wild (100)

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    Comment swap, here. I really like your summary. It got me really interested in what this story would be like. The first chapter was excellent. I love that Adrienne is already such a three dimensional character. I also like the fact that the layout goes along with the title, however I found it very, very difficult to concentrate on the writing because I got a migraine halfway through. Other than that, this was amazing!
    August 31st, 2012 at 11:23pm
  • alexander bernadotte

    alexander bernadotte (125)

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    This looks so familiar to me o.o I probably read this before, but forgot. Anyways, the summary definately hooked me in. I'm curious to see what she finds out about her mother's past. The first chapter is amazing written; you really get into the main character's - if I skipped over her name, I'm sorry D: - head and it just continues on, until you get to that creepy part with that little girl. Your imagery in that scene was particularly amazing and it caught my eye; you really describe the grittiness and gore of the whole deal. It really creeped me out and my eyes totally went wide. I wonder why she started singing that creepy tune, though. Yikes. This is total madness, but I'm in loooo~ve :D I don't have time to continue on with the rest of the chapters, but I'll sub and will come back to read more when I can. :D You have an awesome story here and I can't wait to read more! Lovely job <3
    July 8th, 2011 at 03:58am
  • masked beauty

    masked beauty (150)

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    I lvoe the layout and the story concept.
    I love how you describe things and grammar is good; jealous of the way you write.
    I
    July 6th, 2011 at 07:02pm
  • C V.D P

    C V.D P (200)

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    yeah, the layout is specifically because the story is called 'Walking Through Insanity', so I chose to make my readers go insane. XD
    July 6th, 2011 at 06:26pm
  • StrikeFast

    StrikeFast (100)

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    *or maybe you can say lied. Hmm. Again, I shouldn't be giving advice since English isn't my first language.
    July 6th, 2011 at 06:20pm
  • StrikeFast

    StrikeFast (100)

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    This is a great idea and hooks you from the start!
    I love how Adrienne has more than one dimension to her. She's a complicated person with many layers and I really like that.
    And Randy as her armorer is genius.

    The description of gore is my favourite part about this. It makes me hold my breath while reading it.

    I really really shouldn't be the one to give you critique since your level of skill is so above me. You're a great author but I'll try to write something constructive..

    In the beginning of chapter 3 it says Adrienne lied in bed for the next two days. I bet the word you were searching for was 'laid'.
    Just some minor spelling mistakes.

    Going forward to the visual part.. Does the black/white background have a thought behind it? Because it feels like I'm going insane watching it. Maybe that was the purpose since the story is called 'Walking Through Insanity'.
    If that's why you chose it, it's brilliant and smart.

    Overall it's an amazing story and you've gotten a new subscriber. :)
    July 6th, 2011 at 06:19pm
  • Aris.

    Aris. (375)

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    The prologue put me off because that's really not my kind genre, but the first chapter was interesting - not entirely my tastes but written well, I think, well done (:
    July 5th, 2011 at 10:07pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    I thought the Prologue was too long to be one, and it felt like more of a first chapter. I thought it created the sense of suspense really well and gripped the reader to continue reading. I found with the first chapter that it was hard to grasp what was going on, which made it harder to read but there was still suspense lingering. Your descriptions of places are really nice and your dialogue flows well. This seems like a great plot line, and an interesting story! It's something very unique and the whole writing style suits the title. Great job!
    May 15th, 2011 at 08:00pm
  • in spirit

    in spirit (100)

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    "Adie couldn’t believe what was going on. She shook her head, ripping her hand out of her mother’s grip and holding it to her chest as she sobbed. “That’s not true, that’s not true.”
    Her mother’s eyes were sympathetic, “then what is true? Tell me what really happened.” Adrienne gave her a blank stare as tears continued to drip down her face."

    There should be a space in between these two chapters, I believe. :)

    I somehow missed one update, so I'll comment on both. The suspense is really fantastic in the mirror scene. It's obvious that you really care about how your story reads, and that's rare on Mibba (I'm guilty of not really caring about my writing when it comes to Mibba, and I know I'm not the only one).

    The scene with her mom in the hospital was great as well, but I think that maybe her mother's emotions should be made more obvious while Adrienne is denying trying to kill herself. It's obvious she's concerned, but was she concerned like, my daughter's going crazy or concerned like someone tried to kill my daughter? (I would think the former, so to outline that more clearly... you know?)

    And loving the cliffhanger too. Kind of got me anxious :P
    May 15th, 2011 at 01:51am
  • saint mungo.

    saint mungo. (150)

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    The layout hurt my eyes a bit, but then again, I think it adds to the mood of the story, so it didn't bother me too much.

    But anyway I really like this, very well written. *kudos to you*
    May 9th, 2011 at 03:30am
  • C V.D P

    C V.D P (200)

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    If you make a criticism and i agree with it, I change it in my story.
    May 9th, 2011 at 02:13am
  • Honeybear

    Honeybear (100)

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    One word: hooked.

    The first chapter was pretty amazing, it completely sucked me into the story and kept my eyes glued to the lines. I'm very, very excited to see where this leads to. I'll leave a "real" comment when I finish reading all the updates.
    May 9th, 2011 at 01:25am
  • Charlie Brown.

    Charlie Brown. (100)

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    Woah.
    So far, I love this. The description is great, and omygosh I have been given some chills. :D The prologue where the little girl was scraping her fingers and... geez, it was awesome.
    You are a very talented writer, who's very capable of creating amazing suspense. Well done!
    May 8th, 2011 at 06:30pm
  • n o c h e.

    n o c h e. (100)

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    Woah, I wasn't expecting this to this awesome. (No offence, honey.)
    This gave me chills and i'm not sure which type but it's a good thing. It's well written and it's a great storyline. The suspense kills me and I don't know what to expect after each chapter, so it's absolutely awesome so far. You have to update soon, I'm going to subcribe and make sure I continue reading this great story. Great job.
    May 8th, 2011 at 04:16pm
  • The Way

    The Way (1400)

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    (the background picture isn't showing up, by the way)

    I think this had a beautiful flow to the narration, but one thing I noticed is that it didn't seem very apt for a first person POV. I know this is a young-ish girl narrating, but something about the 'voice' and the words used seem like an author, not a storyteller. I know, I know. What's the difference? But sometimes it just seemed like she was pointing out things that an omniscient narrator would say (third person, that is), like how the "soft wind was blowing gently" - most people wouldn't use so many adjectives describing a chilly breeze - and her "curious eyes" - I hardly think people would be thinking about how their eyes look as they're looking around someplace.

    But moving on, I think you set the very haunting, very eerie scene quite nicely. And I'm very lucky that the sun's already risen here, or I wouldn't have slept very well after reading what happened at the end.

    I think this just needs some polishing, but overall well done :)
    May 4th, 2011 at 11:57pm
  • in spirit

    in spirit (100)

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    I absolutely love this story. It's so refreshing to see the amount of care and the effort you've put into this story. It's obvious you've put a lot of work into it and it deserves a nice long comment, so that's what I'm going to do.

    Chapter 1:

    The opening sets the scene quite well, and the appearance of the child is very intriguing. I could almost put myself in the story and live vicariously through the character. The suspense in the latter half of the story was very effective. The little girl was quite scary. Seemed like something out of a movie. Unfortunately that means it was a little cliche, but suspenseful anyway.

    Chapter 2:

    Love the "trick" in the beginning, and the complete lack of suspense in contrast with the previous chapter. It keeps the reader on his/her feet. Good introduction to Adrienne and Randy; clearly defines their relationship and bits about their personalities.

    Chapter 3:

    Another good start. The introductions flow nicely into the main action of the chapter, doesn't seem overly choppy or forced. The dream was particularly terrifying for me; I've had one almost exactly like that. Not fun :/

    Chapter 4:

    Good contrast between the last chapter and this one. Good to see that they are back to normal, and the flow from the end of this chapter to the beginning of the next is nice.

    Chapter 5:

    The spider and bee scene made me laugh. Sounds like me :P Good use of suspense with Randy switching the books.

    Really enjoyed reading this, and I'm definitely subscribing.
    May 3rd, 2011 at 02:46am
  • colour me perfect.

    colour me perfect. (100)

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    First of all, I'm in love with the title of this story. It's just so... eerie and haunting, which goes along with the whole story itself. It was a really clever fit and honestly is what made me want to read it more.

    Your first chapter made me feel like I was looking at the world through grey eyes, because it was just explained in such a dreary way that it added to the anticipation and increased the emotions I felt whilst reading it. She seems like such an unusual character, and not in a bad way. She was barely explained and I think that I like that. The whole story was very terrifying and intriguing, and I think that you've got a good idea going here. (:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 01:13am
  • chemical romantics.

    chemical romantics. (210)

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    Chapter One:
    I love the way you open this with so much mystery. There's such an eery feeling about the whole thing, it's brilliantly executed.

    I spotted something. At the end of the road, a child’s bicycle was lying on its side, one wheel slowly turning. This had me on edge; 'slowly turning'. Movement. Movement accompanied by silence is never, ever good. It's like a really edgy horror movie, with the characters slowly edging towards an unopened door. Another thing I'd say about this, as a bit of critique, would be that I think it'd flow better if the sentences were connected using a hyphen, rather than remaining separate.

    ringing like wind chimes in the distance This simile was the nicest thing ever to read in between all of that - beautiful.

    I pushed the door open, which, by my surprise, opened silently. To my surprise?

    “Help,” I shouted at the top of my lungs, “someone help me!” I love the fear this instills in the reader.

    I started to hear a faint noise. This sentence doesn't sit with me well at all. I don't like the use of started, then sentence implies you start hearing the noise when what I think you're trying to suggest is you hear a noise which is ongoing..? Either way, I think it'd be a lot nicer on the reader as something such as 'A faint noise came to my attention..' or something similar. :\

    The only other critique I have for you is something that is a huge pet-peeve of mine when it comes to first person stories. You use 'I' as a sentence starter about 95% of the time and it leaves the chapter feeling like a list with some description thrown in to lead the reader. It's really awkward to read and instantly kills any flow you begin to build. It would be really easy to just go switch the structure the sentence around to 'thing/action being referred to, reaction of character' eg. 'Slowly, I crept over to the door, my fingers shaking in anticipation'.

    Enjoy my made up example? Me too. (;

    I think if you tweaked these few things, you'd be left with a truly marvelous chapter and story. I mean, he basis for what's been explored of the plot is incredibly intriguing and it has my attention gripped. I'd just like a smoother flow to hook me into racing for more, y'know? Also, your use of the rhyme/song at the end was awesome to read. It's so creepy. It almost inspires an adrenaline rush, I love it.

    Overall, it was pretty good. I'm interested to see where else this is going to go. I'll come back and read some more later. :)
    May 1st, 2011 at 03:41am
  • Teddi Manni

    Teddi Manni (100)

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    His is my kind of story:)

    I love the detail and the goriness of it. Your writing skills are stunning. I begin to wonder what happens next and what exactly the Unnoticeables want.

    Great writing I think I will sub:)
    May 1st, 2011 at 03:33am
  • teen spirit.

    teen spirit. (100)

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    Chapter One:
    You know, when you watch a horror movie and there's always that stupid girl that goes into the creepy house, or follows the mysterious stranger and you just want to scream at her. Yeah, that's how I felt in this chapter.

    I really liked it though, this seems like a very original idea and your writing is really good. I didn't spot any grammar mistakes. I think you should put more details in it though, to get a better idea of where she is and what her surroundings look like.

    Anyways, good job! (:
    April 30th, 2011 at 10:21pm