Sin Blackened Hearts & Broken Angels - Comments

Oh my god. I loved it, chapter nine was just amazing. I can't really add anything to this. Just magic.

Twinkle, Twinkle;

First off, the idea behind this one-shot was brilliant!

Any who, Well I loved the whole chapter. Your mystery in the story really pleased me. It reminded me of like "The Crow" or "Underworld", which in my opinion are hard movies to feed off of. Anyway, the way you descript the scenery was amazing.

You could literally see the angels at the doorways and the whole concept of "The City of the Damned". Which really enticed me to read further, (I usually don't read fiction one-shots).

But the way you pulled this off was brilliant! Many of the writers would just make the situation more cliche than it begun with. But in fact, I think you went in the reverse (but correct) direction.

Overall this was beautiful, your spelling and grammar was nice and clean.
You write beautifully if I must say so myself.
;)

The King Of Hearts

He had been giving humans candy coated hate

I had to start with that. Not only is that the best sentence in the story, I honestly think that is one of the best sentences I have ever read. Something about it is so perfect. I've read it over and over. It's beautiful.

He broke his arrows after he bandaged the bleeding stubs in his back, and scattered the bits of lust and desire on the red grass, watching as they twisted and squirmed similar to worms of the earth.

I love your description in this phrase. It really sticks in your mind, and makes you think.

Apart from that, your style of writing is outstanding. Your descriptions are gorgeous and full of rich language. The way you link your sentences together flows beautifully.

The only mistake I could find was this:

Fad within the young hearts community

I think that Fad is meant have a small f.

So yeah. I'm full of praise, and will probably go and read some more of your work.

Twinkle, Twinkle ...
For some odd reason I like stories (one-shot, in your case) about the end of the world. I like to see how people portray their idea.
I liked all your detail and how you worded certain things.

Annabell.
Right when I read the first sentence I knew it would end something like it did. I just had that feeling y’know?

Blood poured, reminding me of the fountain we used to play in when we were just children at the tender age of five.
^ That was a good analogy. It gave a good picture of what the pouring blood looked like.

'Slashed angels fall down at my door step as I gaze up at the blood red sky. Watching as their torn wings cover the demolished houses with their fluid shade, comforting every broken brick and wall while fires swirl in their places unable to touch the broken pieces of heaven lain upon them.'
That line really got me hooked.

I was originally planning on reviewing another oneshot - but after skimming through the first one, I really could not resist.

The way you portrayed the demise of our world was brilliant - stunning, is more like it. The descriptions were beautiful, honestly, I wish I could write like you! Your choice of words fit the plot perfectly - more like pieces of a puzzle. I'm honestly speechless.

Another thing was the flow. Everything fell into one place, and absolutely nothing was left unaided in the reader's process. Not once did I have to re-read something to really get the full aspect, which is one of the best traits a writer could possess. Really, it's amazing.
Good job!

The title is attention-catching. "The King Of Hearts"...it's wonderous, I liked it.

The plot - the plot was gorgeous. It was almost confusing as I read the beginning, but it slowly molded itself into my mind after a few sentences.

Whereas the wild dance of broken hearts grow into a well liked Fad within the young

Fad, I think, doesn't need to be capitalized. It's not a proper noun.

Your descriptions were wonderful! The metaphore of the whole thing was brilliance.

The usage of Cupid and how he was being ripped apart was stunning. And it was like a whole new world within our own - love and passion, heartbreak. Death. But...somewhere far off.

He had been giving humans candy coated hate, he realized in horror.

I think that's the best line in the whole thing. I read over it a few times because...I loved it. I really did.

How Love was made into it's own character really drew me in.

I didn't see any other errors besides the forwardly mentioned (though it may depend on your writing style, I'm not completely sure if you meant it to be that way), and like I said before, the plot and descriptions were pure brilliance.

"Innocent Death"

Lovely my dear. I loved the innocences in the little boy, it made him more real and easy to relate to. The title was what got me. I loved how you connected the blue bird's death with his father's, and the way he didn't understand what was happening around him was done beautifully.

The end was perfect I just pictured the little boy sitting waiting for the bird to wake up so he could see his father once again. For this to be short, it was really good and I'm glad I picked this one shot to read.

Beautiful piece.

Innocent Death-
To him it seemed drowning in a deep slumber, his young clean eyes hasn't seen death before. But of course, the five year old boy has seen very little to put in perspective.
Oh my God; this one-shot is possibly the best i've ever read. Granted, I haven't read all that many...but still, it's impressive. The way the boy's thinking is great, exactly how a small child might view a death and a burial. And then how he related the events to his life and then copied them, however ignorant of their meaning he was, on the bird.
When daddy wakes up and comes home, he'll go check on the birdie.
Too bad dad's not going to wake up, kiddo.

I Spy ...
Was perfect...
The ending was unexpected and clever, though there were few problems with grammar missing punctuation. Since it wasn't enough to truly bother me, it's not a big deal. I really liked this one.

Being On The Other Side-
Simply amazing...that anyone could have that much courage and self-respect to go up and say that to a crowd of people she knew wouldn't understand. The comcept is perfect and the word choice and sentence structure is brilliance.

I read the first oneshot, and wow. The description was awesome, and you had no spelling or grammar mistakes. Just...wow. I don't think I could ever write something like that, with that much description.

Twinkle, Twinkle...

My God it was incredible. You word things together so well, using angels, one of my many obsessions and loves, but using them at an apocalyptic point of view. I'll admit I've thought of that idea before, but you just put it into detail so well.

I just loved the fact that you put some of the sentences as straight and to the point. One word used to describe something so complicated. Not too many people can pull it off, but you did.

It was slightly creepy, but in a poetic sense. I saw no mistakes, grammatical or in a spelling sense. It was beautiful to say the very least.

:]
Well done.

I Spy was amazing. I really liked the mysteriousness of it.

The grammar was almost perfect there is one spot where you switched tenses
“In her current state of awe she stayed where she is…”
Other than that it was fine.

Spelling was perfect.

Twinkle, Twinkle...
Powerful, so unearthly it's amazing it made sense at all. Someone save us..three words that just made the entire piece insanely wonderful. Nice look at the end of the world. Will it all just really end?

Air...
A most fitting ending.
they returned to my body, the body I wanted to get away from so desperately.
It's all so sad and heartfelt. I absolutely loved it. Freeing herself only to be dragged down again. Trapped in a material body in a material world. I wish it could've gone on forever.
Very few grammatical errors, I must admit.

Let Go...
liquefied ignorance...just perfect use of words.
Otherwise, it was a little short to comment on...but still beautifully written as were the other three.

Annabell...
Wow. That was incredible. The concept was amazing and written so well; the dialogue was perfect...their words seemed so real...

You're an amazing writer, and if the 'Subscribe to Author' button worked, I'd definitely hit it. You've fucking blown me away, and that's more easily said than done. Keep going with this, you're fucking brilliant.

For Annabell:

I found this really intriguing, and there was something in it that coaxed me to keep reading. I really wanted to find out what was going on. You had some really nice description in there, it was enough to be able to give me a feel for what was going on, and I could feel how intimate the pair of them were; how close they were. I loved the ending, too - it was rather startling, and the way you left her sitting in her friend's blood was striking. I was a tad confused, but that's just because I have difficulty grasping things. o.o
With the elipses [is that how you spell it?], I'd just recommend you take more care in ensuring you get three dots, instead of two or four. I think it looks less professional when you have a weird amount of periods for them. Also, don't use a comma if you're going to use an elipses, as you did in this sentence:
"I told you, you wouldn't want to know, ... "
I don't think that needs the comma there.
But uh, I'm not being incredibly helpful.
I think maybe you could have made a little more of the character's death - using metaphors and a bit more description. But I still enjoyed it. Fantastic. =] You have a nice style of writing, it's easy to read [which is a big thing for me, because I get easily distracted...]

[PS: I reviewed it for the Story/Review Game thread, but someone beat me to it. I decided you might still appreciate the review though.]

the first one and the fourth one are my favorite.
I'm waiting for more : )

The first one is so sad and yet so beautiful and true too.
They're really good.
I hope for more!
*subscribes*

These are really good. I love them. I love how you used a variety of words and big words at that.

That was so brilliant Liz! Even more than brilliant, great job : D