May 18th, 2010 at 05:27am
At home with a sprained ankle so I decided to review a story from each person on my friend’s list.
:)
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Title:
The title might need more punctuation, maybe a period or a comma to separate the two statements.
And then in the chapter title, ups should be up’s since it’s a contraction of up and is.
Opening Paragraph:
I loved the first line. I liked that you just jumped into the story, that made me (as the reader) automatically interested in what was going on and what happened before and what was going to happen next.
My ears burned with sound… – I really liked the way that was written. It was definitely something new. I never heard sound/waking-up described that way.
Chest heaving like avalanche had no internal beat. – Reading this, it sounds like a word or two is missing. Chest heaving like an avalanche with no internal beat? I don’t know. I couldn’t really figure out what was being said here.
I could not find it, or could I not find a heart beat. – The wording here suggest that this is meant to be a question (…or could I not find a heartbeat), so it needs a question mark, not a period. Also, “heartbeat” should be one word.
I thought what was happening in the first paragraph was really interesting. The bit about her heart being missing or no longer beating, got me really into the story.
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The front door burst open of my small dark apartment and a man strode towards me. I huddled around myself covering my skin what my undergarments did not hide. The strange man scooped me up in his arms and left my apartment. I’ll never know if I’ll see it again. - This paragraph lacked a bit of punctuation (commas in the lengthier sentences), which messes with the flow.
…left my apartment – I think that since he took her with him, maybe saying “…and carried me out of the apartment…” would be a better phrasing. There’s something about the word “left” that just doesn’t sound right in that context.
I don’t know if this is a one-shot or a chapter story, but if it is a chaptered story, I think it would be great if you ended the chapter here. Or maybe made this first bit into a prologue. It’s all so interesting and I think the bit of a cliff-hanger would really draw people in. Like, just reading this part, I can kind of imagine it as a television show, you know – when there’s a bit of action at the start and then it goes into the show’s beginning theme song thingy. Kind of a bit of teaser.
Also, it helps make the transition between point-of-view a little easier to recognize. For a second, as I moved on to the next part, I was a bit confused about who was talking. The change of view happens so quickly, it’s a bit startling.
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“No I just never knew you took in the injured Mick.” – Just a lack of punctuation here. No, I just never knew you took in the injured, Mick.
“She’s not injured Josef, she’s turned.” – When addressing someone, like this, you have to put a comma before their name. She’s not injured, Josef, she’s turned.
Her worried eyes locked onto Micks. – You just forgot to make Micks possessive. It should be Mick’s.
Not until we find who did this to you. – I liked this bit. It was a subtle way to let the readers know that Mick isn’t the one who turned the girl (which is what I initially thought). Very nice touch. Also, it made me think back on the first paragraph, when the girl was checking for her pulse and her heart, and I started wondering what kind of reality this story takes place in. Are the humans and vampires living together, with the humans knowing about vampires? Or is the existence of vampires still not known? If he didn’t turn her, how did he know where to find her or even to look for? I love stuff like this, where one simple line makes me revisit other bits of the story.
oops, sorry. enough of my psycho rant.
uh, so, yeah! i like it so far!! XD