The Queen's Keeper - Comments

*subscribes* I like this! It's very well written and it's something new, fresh and different! I can't wait to read another chapter. It really starts off great. :)

I kinda like the other picture better. But it's your choice.
Update soon!!!

~Skittlez~ (x's,o's)

I like both photos, sorry if that doesn't help....
But the chapter was really good! I like Henry.

hmm I like Henry too!! lol...I like the background, I think it goes perfectly with the story

please update!!

I like Evangeline.
And I like the second picture better

I like Henry too
He's cute
x

Oh please update!! I really like it!

please update!!

I love it. This is so interesting and I'm intrigued to discover more :)

Once again, you've blown me away with such a fantastic chapter. This is just so fantastic...

Might I just say that commenting on your stories is like, my favorite? I love what you've got going here. It's fantastically wonderful.

Giggles erupted from the rest of the group and she sat up, a triumphant grin on her face.

Hee. Giggles are fun. Ooh, stage? I KNEW she was an actress. xD How pretty.

They erupted into laughter and she stood up, brushing her dress off as she did so.

It might become subconscious as your writing matures to instinctively not use the same verb twice so close together. The repetition catches the reader’s eye and it makes the vocabulary look less broad. If you can’t think of another verb, you could type the present-tense version of it, ‘erupt’ and right click. There is a tab full of synonyms that you can use. That’s if you’re using Microsoft Word.

“I wouldn’t make fun of it if it wasn’t so…horrible,” Evangeline answered frankly.

Mm. I like when people cut to the chase.

“You were asking for it, Lisette.

Btw, Lisette… SUCH an awesome name. It makes me think of, like, a gentle prince or something. A bit of a wuss but noble still? xD

Now leave. We don’t want to play your foolish games anymore.”

Oooh. Burn. That was excellent. She was demoting him to a child, and refusing to play his ‘games’. Wonderful.

“Thad, enough; the girl is probably already in tears by now. Let’s go outside,” she stated.

Aw. Now I have no idea what’s going on. Lol.

“Actually, love, I must be going now,” Thad informed her, placing an arm around her shoulder. “But not to fear…your fierce prince will be back to steal you away.”

Ooh. I don’t like Thad. He seems full of himself, and he’s totally brushing her off and trying to make it seem like he’s there for her. What a doucher. xD Hope you don’t mind me not liking your character. That’s good. It’s emotion. Lul.

“Oh, I don’t know. I thought we could go exploring.”

One, I think you missed an extra paragraph between this and the last thing. Two, I love that. They’re like, actors and being all playful friends or whatever, and now they’re going off on an adventure!? How fantastical.

“You mustn’t get caught,” Evangeline warned. “If you are caught in this state, you’ll surely be in for a good lashing.”

The way she takes command and informs the rest of the group makes me think that she is the leader.

“But Eleanor does not care!” A younger girl (Evangeline never bothered to learn their names)exclaimed, poking her lips out.

I love that you threw in a little fact about Evangeline. It’s much better sprinkled on top, like the icing on the cake. ^_^

Oh, and ‘poking her lips out’ is so cool. It’s an interesting way of saying it. Things like that catch the reader’s eye.

“I have only met him once. And he is fat and ugly and he smells of pig and dog…though I would much rather lay with the dog and pig.”

AHA! I love her. I absolutely love her. She sure as hell tells it like it is. Who is this lovely person, Evangeline? Is she the queen, mayhaps?

“That girl will be hung before she is twenty,” Gwen muttered.

What a lovely little tidbit about how the culture is. People are hanged? Wonderful.

They felt as though they were flying.

Sometimes, instead of saying ‘they’ all the time to refer to the group, you could use different pronouns and such, like… the girls, or, each of the girls, or all… y’know? Mix it up some. Becomes more flavorful.

Her gown hung loosely off one shoulder and a few twigs and pieces of grass were in her hair.

How did grass get in her hair? xD She was running… was she rolling around on the ground for a minute there? And, nice. Sitting there lookin at her nails while they come up panting. Lul.

“I never drink on Tuesdays. I just see it all so clearly now…the prince…it would be perfect. I would
become queen soon…the one we have now is dying anyways…”

Ooh. Is she a princess? In the theatre!? An acting princess!?! Ps, lovely little fact about her. And, THEIR PRINCE IS DYING!?

-spazz-

“You have nothing to offer the kingdom…no alliances…no power…you aren’t even of royal blood.”

Aw, no princess.

“I have one thing to offer the prince,” Evangeline stated evenly (Gwen never fell for it, however). “Love.”

Hmm. Sometimes, parenthesis break up the story’s flow. It’s like a bridge you gotta get across on the path. Maybe you could put it in a normal sentence, along with maybe a tiny physical description of Gwen.

“You…you are too wild to love any man. And there is only one part of you that the prince would be partially concerned with. And it is not your heart.” Gwen laughed a bit and shook her head. “I can see it now, Evangeline. He would be kind to you on your wedding night and after he bedded you;
he would tie you to the bed with your legs left wide open so that he could have his way with you when he wanted to.”

Good golly, miss molly. If her mother heard her saying those words she would INDEED get a lashing. Lol.

Evangeline stared at her open mouthed and slowly turned her head towards the castle.

Something like this could be prettied up by maybe making it more personal. You could have a thought of Evangeline during that moment, and say maybe something caught her eye or, drew her attention.

Evangeline herself had seen royalty sneaking away, sometimes, just to steal a glance. Because they knew there was always a magnificent sight to be seen, and it was ever-changing.

Neato fact about the royalty. That makes this place a secret treasure for all. And… try not to begin sentences with Because. You could either delete the ‘because’ or change the period to a comma.

The rays of sunlight glowed on Evangeline’s skin and gave her an inhumanly appearance. Her eyes were the one thing that was strange about her appearance; they were an odd turquoise looking color, blended in with a twinge of brown.

An appearance is a noun, not a verb. ‘Inhumanly’ would be describing how a verb took place. ‘Inhuman’ is better, because that makes it a description of the noun right after it.
And, ‘appearance’ appears twice in this paragraph. Try saying something like ‘Her eyes were an oddity about her; they were an odd turquoise color, blended with a tinge of brown.’ It’s fancy-looking and it eliminates unnecessary repetition.

Gwen confusedly grabbed Evangeline’s arms and dragged her away.
When they were about halfway she released herself from Gwen’s grasp and gave her a reassuring nod.

I don’t get it. Where is she dragging her? Halfway where? What’s going on!? xD

She broke into an urgent run, sprinting all the way to the manor. She picked up her dress and slid it back on hastily.

Whoa. First she was being dragged on, then she was sprinting? Maybe you could separate those a bit by having her walk normally for a bit, then build UP to sprinting.

“It won’t matter, go speak to Eleanor now,” Gwen told her (practically out of breath), placing a hand on her shoulder.

A way to blend this parenthesis in with the rest would be to… say something like ‘Gwen said breathlessly, placing a supporting hand on her shoulder.’

“Come in,” Eleanor stated.

Maybe instead of saying Eleanor, you could say ‘a woman’s voice’ or something like that. Something less specific, so it keeps its mystery until Evangeline actually sees her.

She opened the door, expecting to see what she always saw: two large wooden empty chairs, Eleanor’s oak desk, her writing utensils, and a shelf filled with books. There was a grand fireplace underneath a picture of Eleanor’s mother (she ran the manor before she passed away) and a thick carpet on the wooden floor, which never failed to make the girls feel warm and safe.

This could be arranged in a different way… maybe Evangeline could be waiting, and thinking about what she expects to see… be less specific until she opens the doors, then maybe go into a bit more detail.

He did have a nose that was too large in her opinion, and only when she got closer did she see the flaws in his appearance.

Maybe… ‘She saw as she came closer that he had quite a few flaws physically; she was sure his nose was a small potato.’

She noticed right away that his hands were large and calloused (Eleanor had taught her to always look at a person’s hands to see what rank they held). She knew right away that he was a working man and of no great importance.

You said ‘right away’ twice. Also, mm… I like that you had the fact about Eleanor’s tendency to judge people by their hands. I do that, too. Is she thinking of him in a condescending manner? If so, you could try and make that more apparent. If not, make it seem like it doesn’t matter to her where he is on the social ladder.

Jeez, this was awesome. I really liked that you had their own little thing going on, and yet you let the reader in on a lot of the things that needed to be talked about, like what the setting was and who the characters were. And I’m not sure how important Eleanor is… maybe you could say that. Maybe I missed it?

I really liked this. ^_^ I hate mary-sue characters, too. They’ve got to be better than that. Flaws make them human. Look at Noah in Astronaut. xD He does some pretty douche stuff.

Loved it!

perfection as always
x

Wow, I can't believe you actually took my advice. -squeals- I'm so excited. You have a really wonderful core to this story. It's going to be wonderful no matter what. There are just little things here and there that help it shine. A little polish, if you will. I hope you never lose your love for writing.

A blood curdling scream filled the silence of the night.

What a cool way to begin a story.

Inside the carriage, six – or rather five – men and a young boy were seated; they were escorting the queen. She had three pair of shackles placed around her hands; it was only possible because her arms were so thin and bony; the skin sagged all over her body, like it didn’t belong. Her once lovely reflection was now a mass of wrinkled skin, scars, and frightening eyes. Her fingernails were at least three inches long and her teeth were like that of a wild beast; they were probably the only things not rotting about her.

Whoa. What a crazy description of a queen.

One had tried holding it up for her, but he was bit in the process and had to be killed.

WHOA. IS SHE POISONOUS OR SOMETHING?

Hey, maybe you could try not having so many semicolons in a row. I really like what’s going on, but you gotta space those out some.

“I’m afraid that will never happen,” one man, Harland said. “You are to be put to your death tonight.”

Squee! This is going to be such a cool story. This is such a great idea. I LURV you.

He was edging her on; she wasn’t really going to be put to death; she could not die.

Edging? Could that be egging? And btw, so cool. Immortality is a bitch, though. No wonder she’s like, rotting.

Everyone - including her - knew this and he only said it to make her fear that they had found some type of spell or witch that could kill her.

Could you maybe try this?

Everyone, including her, knew this. He only said it in an effort to instill a fear of some spell or witch that could kill her.

It’s a little differently built, and it makes it nicer on the reader’s head. ^_^

They did not take notice, for it [was] dark, but her body had already begun regenerating [itself. Her] hair [had] began turning darker, [wrinkles slowly] fading, her eyes becoming lively once more.

At the top of the [tower was] a small circular [room with] a bed on top of a [table, waiting.]

“They cannot. The fence bars them out. But perhaps you should wait until dawn to go home, unless you wish to become a meal.”

I think if you wanted her to sound more menacing, so as to silence Rufus immediately after this, I think you should begin this paragraph with some sort of description of a look the witch might give him.

“A war?”

Maybe this should be “War?” or “There was a war?”

“There was a [war between] two peoples, many years ago – over this very land.” She paused and looked at the queen distastefully.

You’ve got an awful lot of commas, as well. A few less would make the story flow a bit better, without so much halting.

“The ones that are the beasts now were losing, quite horribly. By the end, only twenty of them remained, out of the original fifty thousand. They fought furiously and ferociously, killing left and right, sometimes killing their own without realizing it. That was their weakness. The other side was able to use it against them. The leader, Marcus, had heard about the queen. He travelled five days and nights, to reach her. And they struck a deal: she would help them win, if they gave her the land. You would think such a smart man like Marcus would realize the foolishness of it, but he did not. And so on the last day of battle, in the middle of it all, the remaining twenty transformed into these massive beasts; neither wolf nor bear, but somewhere in between. The ultimate killing machines; they had claws ten inches long, with fur five inches thick and stood over six foot tall on their hind legs. Their teeth were three inches long and could slice through skin without even biting down. Bear wolves, they were called, by the enemies. Children, they were called, by the queen. They feel…as if they owe it to her…because she won their war and got revenge for all their lost brothers. But you see this is why this land is the only place that can contain her. And it’s the reason why her presence will not destroy it.”

I bet this is a whole bunch of history about the war, and what the queen did, and all that. I really wanna read it, but a big paragraph like that makes me want to turn and run the other way. xD Is that bad? Maybe you could chop it up a bit, talk about the witch maybe moving around the room, or Rufus watching her tell this story, or something. Just a bit of advice. Ooh, ultimate killing machines…

Bear wolves, they were called, by the enemies. Children, they were called, by the queen.

Was this meant to be parallel sentence structure? Maybe you could combine and simplify it.

Wow. This was the most amazing thing ever. I can’t wait to hear what the story is. What’s gonna happen!? Lol. I really am excited for this. I’ll try and comment this big in the future… unless you don’t like me talking this much. xD You leave big comments, so do I.

<3

Ah this was awesome!
Can't wait to read the rest.

amazing
x

Wow. It's really good!!! Continue on!!

~Skittlez~ (x's,o's)

This is....WOW. I am just blown away by how amazing this sounds.

Yay! A new orignal to read!
I hope you post the first chapter soon :]

Okay, thats a subscription from me. I am not really into originals on here because they are often poorly thought up (from what I have found, including my own.) But I hope you upload your first chapter soon. :)