Dear Daybreak - Comments

It lurches forward with the poisonsicknowings and it attacks the girl. It hits her, punches her, shoves her. It sends her flying. Flying with wings. Addison gave her those wings.
This line right here made me want to read more and more. Maybe its because I have issues, but who cares?

The story was beautiful. And beautifully written. Great detailing. The almost plain layout somehow suits the story. There were no mistakes. I cant tell you enjoy writing this and I also enjoyed reading it. I have some strange obssesion with schizophrenia. I think its one of the most beautiful, painful, and worse illnesses in the world.
Last I could say is keep writing and never let anybody ever tell you different.

Story Review Game

Summary and Layout
I don’t really like the layout, or rather, the formatting of it. The lines are so scrunched together it’s hard to read, but I believe that might be a personal preference. Also, I found the summary to be rather distracting, like how the words became bigger. I don’t know, it just didn’t appeal to me, and I found it to be discouraging. However, when I read it, I really liked what you had to say, which is most important to the story.

Chapter 1
Quiet elegance tiptoes through the tinted clouds, reflecting a wave of rising sunlight and lacing the air with a promise of warmth.
This is enticing, really. I was able to pick up the image in my head and toy with it, which is swell.

Savoring the final daybreak’s chill before sunshine takes over.
I was confused at first, but then I figure it was this Addison. I don’t really like that it’s bolded, but I understand you need a way to differentiate the thoughts, and such. I like this..erm, character? He seems very, oh I don’t know, all knowing and controlling in a way. I like it.

My dear, I love this narration. It’s so fantastic. I like the feeling of disorder and distraction in this, you can really see where his mind is, which is lovely. It started out normal enough, but I was pleased that this changed into something unique and rather fascinating.

I just love how you describe the boy’s feelings about Addison, how protected and safe he feels when his voice is heard in his head.

Holy shit, I love this chapter. You described schizophrenia quite well, in my opinion. You’ve done research, no doubt. I especially loved how the voice changed at the end, and just yes. The reader is able to understand what you’re writing, but it doesn’t take away from the story, which is hard to find in stories dealing with schizophrenia.

Chapter 2
People won’t see the portals to his demise, the dirty, greasy lines, the socks-wet-with-dew.
I like this line because I found it to be really vivid. It’s nice.

The veil is now reinforced by a wall. A thin, bony wall. Pale wall, pressing his vision into darkness.
The light that sneaks past his wall illuminates criss-crossed scars. In his mind, cold metal presses against them again. There are less spaces between memory now.
Agh! This is beautiful, in a messed up way. Especially ‘a thin, bony wall’. I don’t ever think I’ve heard something described like that.

Oh, man, I love the discourse between Cameron and Addison. It’s really powerful, even though it’s short, but…I think it was effective and I liked it.

This is really amazing, to be honest. The way Celeste knows and the panic that Cameron feels about having said Addison was his best friend in past tense. Really brilliant.

His head tilts slightly at this miracle. Hair like a rich, soft dirt. Like a steady, strong tree. Hands that can cut down his trees. Eyes likes the grass-wet-with-dew, the grass that held him as he cried and screamed.
This is truly awesome. I love, love, love this description and narrative, I do!

And the end of the chapter was awesome as well. It was a lovely way to conclude the chapter.

Chapter 3
I’m not copying and pasting anything after this, because…it was all so damn amazing. I mean, I just don’t have anything to critique. It was powerful and beautiful and amazing and insane. This is really good, and I wish I’d have read it sooner. The narration was something that was certainly new to me, but it worked so well with what you were going for.

And the end, oh the end! It was perfect. I really enjoyed reading this, and I apologize for not having any constructive words, but this was really great.

You’re really good at this. I loved this. It really was executed perfectly. Well done.

^
Sorry for the small font, the 0 didn't register on the screen after the 9.

Story Review Game

First, I have to say that the beginning was sorta of confusing. I wasn't sure why there was so much repetition until I pieced it together that it seemed like schizophrenia (and was pleased that I was right when I read your authors note). You did a great job of portraying this throughout the story.

You have great description without really saying anything at all. You could have made that extremely elaborate but you chose short sentences and certain words that made it seem more real.

The cement hits her with a crunch. It takes her wings. She lands, and it takes her wings. Her wings, her Addison gift of wings. Addison gave her those wings.

The cement took her wings. It was the cement. Of course it was the cement. Now she is gone, because the cement took her wings.

The boy falls. He curls on the grass-wet-with-dew, socks drenched and wings gone. Sunlight is streaming down, and he hates this place. So trapped, so trapped. Dark is the home of the free. Night is the house of the dark.

I have to say though, back to the repetition. I loved how you used it. Its very poetic how its used, poetic and dark and enchanting. You're a great writer.

Alright, so I'm here and I don't know if this review will be crappy or not. I'm just getting into reviewing stories, so bear with me. So, I would like to say that your layout is pretty. It doesn't hurt my eyes or strain them, so that's a plus. Okay, onto the review.

Chapter One

I love your imagery and how this takes place in present tense, third point of view. Honestly, that's my soft spot, I adore stories that have that.

Savoring the final daybreak’s chill before sunshine takes over.

Morning, Addison, he thinks absently, addressing the thoughtful voice that has been conjured up.

That right there, it just gave me chills. I love that sentence.

You are hanging. The walls are closing in. The spotlights are on you

Again, this sentence gives me chills.

He waited for Addison to ask, though, because he loves the sound of his voice.

I'm not sure if this is what you intended, but this sentence confused me. In the beginning, you have past tense while the rest of the story is in present tense. And I'm not sure if you meant to have a 'he' before voice, I got the intention that he loved Addison's voice ... unless Addison's a guy. I don't know, I think I just confused myself. But yeah, forget about this if this was what you intended and I just don't get it.

The boy falls. He curls on the grass-wet-with-dew, socks drenched and wings gone. Sunlight is streaming down, and he hates this place. So trapped, so trapped. Dark is the home of the free. Night is the house of the dark.

I love how you repeat words, it just makes me so happy inside. I love when writers do that - it's just ... yummy. I absolutely love those last two sentences so much.

You took her wings.

I love the wings thing going on, it really sounds right with the character.

Over all, I love how you wrote this, it's very imaginative. I totally didn't know he had schizophrenia, and now I totally understand why this might seem so confusing. But even though it seems confusing in the beginning, I totally love it.

Chapter Two

Everything can hurt the boy. You took her wings.

Yes, I love this.

The word is full of colour. His eyes are shining. Blue, such a blue, they are shining.

I love the color blue and I love how this sentence is worded.


I gave up the stars for you.

I gave up everything for you.

You stole my name.

You gave it away.

And my voice.

I never told you to do anything.

No, you didn’t. He looks down sadly. Not even the things I needed.

I feel bad for the boy, even if you didn't intend that.

I make good water, don’t I, boy?

Addison seems like not a good guy, if that makes sense. But I can't help but feel .. intrigued.

I liked this chapter and I'm glad that Celeste came along in this one. I also giggled since I realized he never had shoes on. I tried to picture that in my head and it was a funny image. But yes, this chapter was amazing.

Chapter Three

…even a burden to your parents…
Stupid to think Celeste cared…
…teacher made her take care of him.
YOU’RE FUCKING PATHETIC.
Even Addison doesn’t love you now…
You’re all. Alone.

I honestly wasn't expecting that. I mean, I knew it was coming in a way, but I didn't expect that intense. I did notice that there's a period after 'all' in the last part.

Again and again, he spews vomit in circles around him, and the sound of his concentration drowns out the voices for now.

I can actually imagine him vomiting around him.

My name. Celeste. He told me it was beautiful.

Yes, I adore this sentence, it just seems so ... right with the story and the tone of the story.

Wow, that was an intense three chapters. I really did love it, I still might read it over again just so I can get the real impact. I love your writing, it's beautiful and poetic. This story made me think and I like that. It seems so dark and terrible, the he's just suffering. I liked the ending too, with the letter. I can't describe how I feel at the moment, but this was, this is, such a beautiful piece of work.

Seriously, you never cease to amaze me. Those three chapters were perfect - I don't think I'd change anything ever ever ever. I loved the repetition and the confusion and the chaos. And Addison. And Celeste. And Cameron. And the wings. And the fact that you related the beginning to the end, with the green plaid boxers.
F*cking amazing. I hope you do well in the contest (:

wow, i love it. the schizophrenia was well portrayed, i don't think there are many major flaws (my uncle is schizophrenic) and the boy seems quite realistic. i hate stories that you just KNOW would never happen, even though they aren't fantasy or sci-fi. kudos!! amazing. and incredibly original.
i hope you plan on being a writer.