January 24th, 2010 at 08:52pm
Story review game
First off, I really loved your writing. I felt as if I were really in the story, I could feel their emotions, especially Kitty's. I love your writing style, it really pulls in the reader. please update more, because I'm subscribing, and I'm curious about what happens next.
I loved the opening paragraph.
They were both there, although they didn't know it. Neither knew that the other existed, yet. It would be two weeks, or so, before they met. It pulled me in right away. There's just something about it that made me go, "What's going to happen?"
Lily was high on the emotions of other people. this is such a beautiful sentence. simple, but powerful. Good job!
I think this was the only typo in the whole story.
He lip quivered with excitement, a hand gripping the tangled mess of dark hair, as if she needed it to be there to hold her head in place. it should be Her. But that was all, and I barely noticed it. I really liked Kitty's part, because I felt like I could feel her emotions.
This paragraph really stood out to me;
The sweet scent of freedom was in the air. This, she said to herself, this is living. Later, she would go home and throw paint at her canvas, scratch deep welts into the coating of oil, melt wax on it; everything she possibly could to convey the pure ecstasy that she was feeling. She would never get it right. Never ever. It's just so well written. There's just something about it that I like. It really just appeals to me :D
The sun sets a tremendous orange across a sea of lavender clouds. Can you hear it hissing? Can you? It's there in the background and no one knows. No one knows it's there until it's too late. This is my favorite favorite line in your story. Great job! I'll be looking forward to reading more!
Overall: I loved it, in case you could couldn't tell :D It's one of those stories that at first you're not really sure if it's your "type" But when you get into it, you really get into it :D Again, great job!
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