It's Wrong (Probably). - Comments

I have to agree with TasteOfSweetRevenge, this story isn’t my cup of tea - but again, your writing is impeccable - although Ryan, at the beginning, sounds a little childish, the over-all story flowed and made sense. The descriptive side to your writing is lovely, just as your secret plot twists. The raw edge Ryan has to his thoughts, which I presume is what this is, are something that draws you in. It’s almost like reading a diary of someone you half-knew.

Just be sure to keep the thoughts from jumping too much - and watch out for spelling mistakes (they’re the worst when you’re writing at late hours of the night). If all else fails, this story is an original piece, something that I haven’t stumbled upon until now.

This story certainly has the potential to go somewhere (and hopefully you’ll explain how he got to this stage), so I wish you the best of luck

x

I'm not a big fan of this type of story but I can honestly say that you have good writing skills and it actually intrigued me a little . Good job though, I like that you didn't seem to hold anything back and your word choice definitely went well with your story.

I'm not a big fan of this type of story but I can honestly say that you have good writing skills and it actually intrigued me a little .

loved it :)
thought i'd comment even though i don't really have anything but how much i loved it to say :)

Ryan smiles.

Gedebaboom ! (It's my word, hee.)

Fade to black.

I really didn't expect that to come :O
You killed him >.<
But it was great, anyway :D

This was an amazing story, Dru. The way it was narrated by Ryan was great. You never cease to amaze me how blunt and honest you are in your stories because it's incredibly refreshing. It's something that a lot of people on this site haven't fully grasped the concept of yet and this is why it's good to read things from an adult's point of view.

The way you described Ryan jumping from man to man flowed very well. When I first saw how many pairings there was going to be, I honestly thought it wouldn't turn out as well as it did. Even though the relationships were only brief and some lasting for only a paragraph or so, you managed to inject some realism into them and made the reader feel as if this were Ryan's actual life and this is how he acts.

I really enjoyed the comparison you made of how Ryan doesn't feel it's wrong to be attracted to older men because it's no different to how a teenage girl fantasizes over someone twice their age. Then you went on to say that if those girls were actually in the bed of a man, they would freak out at the realisation of how that man would act. It's true. It's all completely true and that's why I adored it so much. Plus the fact that Ryan at that age was able to handle a man twice his age really showed how into them he was.

One of my favourite lines would have to be Six weeks after classes start, Ryan’s getting fucked by his History professor. just because of how casually it's stated. Like, it's really no big deal and this is how Ryan acts. It was perfect.
Likewise, another great line would be ‘you’re so young sometimes’ because you can really tell how bothered Ryan is by it. They’re words that anyone who thinks or acts maturely really despises hearing, when they'd prefer to be treated as an equal.

The only mistake I could see was you saying Rachel Evan Wood and her name is actually Evan Rachel Wood. I'm not sure if that was purposely a mistake or not on Ryan's behalf or an actual mistake on your behalf, but I just thought I'd point it out anyway. I did enjoy the reference though, because when I think of her, I do think of indie films.

The ending was amazing. I didn't expect that Ryan was going to commit suicide, even after the part about him smiling. I really thought he was going to kill his History professor, but it ended in an even more tragic way.

I wish I could say more about this piece but I just can't find the words. Everything about it - the way it was written, the descriptions of the character's personalities, the emotions - it was all just so amazing.

Oh goddamnit, Druscilla. I don't think that was supposed to make me cry but I am. Just because it feels so fucking real. The teleiophilia feels natural, not like it was just something added in to make a sadRyan story interesting or different. It was real, it was raw.
It's like... it's like you are Ryan. Or... I don't know.
This felt so close to the real life Ryan, whoever the fuck that is. I realize the contradiction in that sentence but it's true. As soon as we feel like we know who Ryan fucking Ross is he does something stupid or unexpected or endearing and suddenly, we're in the dark, and he's laughing at us somewhere where we can't see him.
She was with someone doing someone with someone and there were lights wherever the fuck she was, Ryan was certain, but it was completely dark where he was.

Now, the painful part about your fictional Ryan is the way you can feel him deteriorating right from under you. And you want to help him but then it's 'fade to black' and you're too late. I can't help but wonder if his teleiophilia was some of the reason for some of the things he did, like leaving the band or being with the obviously destructive Alex. I don't know, I'm making extra plotlines onto your story, I'm sorry.

Ryan smiles.
I should have fucking KNOWN that line was bad news, but when I read it it just seemed like... a line. Nothing special. Then wham bam, he's dead. Fuck. I can't believe you killed him. Fuck.

There isn't even comfort in a fictional Ryan Ross from the real Ryan Ross.

Eep, I'm so not good with all this rambling constructive criticism, so I'm just gonna cut straight to the chase:

That was amazing (as they always are). It started off with an inspired plotline and ended with a pensive yet affective ending. Basically, I loved it :)

xx

Story Review Game
I really like the layout you’ve got for the story. The banner is also really well done; I like how well the both of them go with each other really well. I like how you put the definitions in the summary, it makes it a lot more clearer for the readers who don’t know what they mean. And I like that they’re not simple words but words people will probably not know. So it does work well. I also like the summary you’ve got in there, it’s not too detailed so it gives too much away but it’s just enough where it gets the reader interested in what the actual story contains. I also like how he summary is an excerpt from the story. That adds a nice hint to it.

The only thing Ryan Ross likes about girls is the clothes he buys in their juniors department.
That line made me laugh. I like the way you put that. Just the thought of Ryan shopping in the girl’s department is really quite funny. I liked that.

Six weeks after classes start, Ryan’s getting fucked by his History professor.
I liked how straight forward and to the point you were with the sentence. Most people avoid being so straight forward like that, and I liked that you were so straight forward.

I also liked how you managed to get so many different pairings in here. But even if there was so many, it still flowed really well. And that’s hard to have so many pairings like this in a one shot and still make it good. But you did really well at having so many pairings and still have the one shot read really well.

I also like the way you fit the split into the story. I liked how you managed to put it in there without making it a big deal and without putting a lot of detail into it.

I love how you ended the story on a note like that. I liked how it was a subtle ending but it was really well written to the point where how subtle it was really worked with the story. Though I am still kind of confused as to how it fits in with the story. And even who they’re talking about. It just didn’t make sense to me at the ending. But it was still written really well.

Your story was amazing. I couldn’t find any errors in it, which is a really good thing. It was also a really good read; I did like reading it a lot. You’re really good at writing. The way you write is really good. I liked reading this a lot. Your story was rather interesting. I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything that quite had a subject like yours did. It was a really interesting story to read. Very well done on the story.

Damn.

That was amazing. Brillaint. Everything. I love this one shot. The plot was fascinating to begin with, but wow. This is perfect. It was so clear in my mind and just perfect. Usually I highlight points I really liked, but I just...everything was great in this story. I can't get over this. I love the brutal narrative, and at the end it was just..fabulous. Mrawr, I like this a lot. I really want to say more, but...I don't know what else to say.

Story Review Game

....Oh, my god. That was simply one of the best one-shots I've ever written. The dialect and the way you phrased things was just stunning to me...brilliant job!

The only thing Ryan Ross likes about girls is the clothes he buys in their juniors department. I love this line, for some reason. It just sticks out to me. It's...It's honestly a perfect sentence. XD

It’s not what Ryan’s looking for but it’s nice nonetheless and it’s definitely enough to get him by. This sentence contains the only grammatical error in the entire one-shot that I could find. I would put a comma between the words 'for' and 'but', but then again, that may just be me. :P Either way, it's a good sentence, too.

The next day they were dating and Ryan was happy. Happier. Happiest.This was my favorite line in the entire one-shot. It was absolutely brilliant to me; I loved it so very much. It's a very precious sentence. :)

They watched bad movies and tripped over air. Smoking, popping, tripping, dancing in the brightness of lights that weren’t turned on. This was a very creative sentence, and it made me giggle. I don't know if that makes me weird or not, but it did. :)

Overall, it was an amazing piece. :) I'm glad to have read it.

That was magnificent. I liked how you jumped from one older guy to the next, but still had it make sense and keep the reader intrigued.
I think I've told you this before, but I think that you are the most brilliant writer. I actually kind of worship every Ryden/Ryan/Panic thing you write...now I sound creepy. Anyway, thank you for being such an incredible inspiration and incredible writer.

-- Lane :-]

New story. 1670 words.
Oneshot.
In which Ryan is attracted to older men.

Happy [?] reading!

xoxox
-Dru