Scarlet Rose - Comments

i love this story please update

Yay for updates =]
I like how it's going, but I'm wondering how long you're gonna make us wait 'til he makes his grand appearance xP

fantastic! update soon

...i am daunted by all the other bigger and better comments out there already...
you have a very beautiful brain-child here, please continue with it as the first foremost on your list of priorities!

your characters are well rounded, but i think that you introduced Phoenix a bit abruptly. (p.s. my best-friend-since-diapers's middle name is Phoenix ^^)
please keep updating!

Possibly the only story that I've read on Mibba worthy of being published. That's saying something, especially since there's only one chapter. Anyways, I hope you update soon. I really enjoyed the first chapter.

Chapter one was incredibly interesting, hope to read more soon =]

Story Review Game.

I'll begin the with a few words concerning the layout and the summary. While I like the poem, it doesn't really give a very concrete idea of what the story is actually about. As I get into the story, however, I can see that it does actually tie into the first chapter, so I can appreciate it much more. As for the layout, well, I like how plain it is. I very much prefer a plain layout over an elaborate one any day. The blue is a little brighter than what I might have chosen, but I'm not too fussy.

I know I was only supposed to review the first chapter, but I felt like I should read the prologue as well. I'm not going to say much about the prologue, except that I enjoyed her dream world very much. I wasn't a fan of the bold text throughout the chapter; it was a bit too...Well, bold. I enjoy the fantasy element to the story quite a bit. I can't really tell if I quite like Grayson or Scarlet; they're interesting characters, to be sure. I like how you haven't really tried to sell them to us, the readers. Onto the first chapter.

The first thing that comes to mind as I read this is that Scarlet seems rather accepting of these dreams, just sort of passing them off as her subconscious or something. I mean, she's had these dreams for ten years straight? She shouldn't be jumping to conclusions or screaming for an exorcism or anything, but Scarlet is very...Unfazed, unconcerned by it. And while I understand that it may just be part of her character, I just wish she had a bit more self-reflection is all. This is just my personal opinion.

I also don't like how overly-religious her parents are. I understand that this is just the way they are, but so often are religious people portrayed as prayer-toting, Bible thumpers who scream 'Satan worshiper!' every time the main character makes what they would consider a transgression. This is coming from an agnostic who dislikes everything to do with religion, mind you. I just feel it's very cliche to make the parents overly religious, when the majority of Christians probably aren't like that, especially in this day and age. It's simply a plot device for the author. It's so easy to write religion off as the bad guy. While I understand it's something that helps explain the character's upbringing and reason for thinking, I feel it's just not original. Again, this is just opinion.

Overall, it was a good chapter. It helped explain the main character and her daily routine. It helped set the stage, if you will. You got a real sense of her frustrations with her life and her parents and even herself. Even though she appears to have renounced her parent's religion, she seems like she just wants to believe that she's blameless because it helps her sleep at night. Underneath it, she's waging a war with herself. I can see an emerging conflict in the future chapters which should prove interesting. I can see great potential for this story.

I just practically wrote you an essay, and spent half of it nit-picking your story to bits. I'm sorry, but I hope you find the review helpful regardless.

wow is all i can say!

This is a really good story! I am really enjoying it!

Story Review Game:

“Why are you here?” she asked, confused and curious as to why the man would be in her dream. She didn't recognize him but he looked old enough to be one of her father's students. He had light brown eyes, the color some cats had, and dark hair that hung just past his ears.

I really like how you described the man, and also tied in other information with the fact that he may have been old enough to be a student of her father’s. I really like this paragraph a lot.

“I had the first one on my birthday. I have them every once and a while though, sometimes once a week.” Looking at Grayson she asked, “Am I going to hell for having those dreams?”

I really like the naïveté of Scarlet’s character. It makes me wonder if she’s a younger teenager, like around 15 or 14, or if she’s older, like 16 or 17 and if that makes the man either an older high school student or a college student. I like how Scarlet feels comfortable enough to ask Grayson if she’s going to Hell; it makes her seem very innocent, and very naïve about the dreams she’s been having.

“No, darling, you're not going to Hell. Can I ask you something that might embarrass you?”

This line made me smile. ^__^

“But he's kissed you in other places?” When she nodded, a look she didn't recognize came to his eyes. “Will you show me?” Nodding again, Scarlet touched her neck. “Anywhere else?” She moved her hand down to her small breasts and she heard him suck in his breath. “Is that it?” When she hesitated, he encouraged her. “It’s okay that you tell me.” Her hands moved down to the juncture of her thighs. “And he's never kissed your mouth?”

I like how Grayson asks Scarlet to show him rather than tell him where the man in her dreams kissed her. It makes him seem like a much more complex character to me, even if it’s a very simple question.

“There was a sermon at church on abstinence and how sex of any kind was a sin outside the marriage bed.” Scarlet sighed. “After the sermon, I asked Father Peter why it was a sin if it felt good. My father overhead me asking and thinks I'm a slut. He made me say the forgiveness for sins ten times and I'm grounded for a year.”

I really liked this paragraph. It gave me a lot more insight to have stern and strict her parents are, and how restricted she feels by them. I also like how she asked Grayson the question, and how he can answer her in her dreams. It makes me wonder whether he’s just a figment of her imagination, or if she’s meeting up with a real person in her dream somehow.

He leaned into her ear and nibbled the lobe before he replied huskily, “I will fuck you when the time is right, Scar. When you aren't dreaming and you are really beneath me I will love you all night. But for now I'll make you feel good.”

I like how he refers to sex as “fucking”, whereas Scarlet refers to it as “making love.” It shows the variance between their characters, but also shows how they fit each others’ personalities so well.

I’m definitely going to read the second chapter and subscribe to this. ^__^

Story Review Game:

I like the feeling of change in this story. I like Scar. She's very flawed. Some charries really remind me of... cookie cutters, I should say?
Scar is also straightforward and I really like that about her (:
Overall, this is amazing!
<3

hi, loving this story so far, the concept is soo amazing!never would have thought of the idea myself, as you can probably guess i like unpredictable stories =) thanks for writing =)

Layout
The layout needs a little work, because the neon blue hurts the eyes (or maybe that’s just me, but I really can’t look at those highlighter colors without squinting my eyes).

Summary
Adding the poem into the summary was a nice touch; I’ve always felt this urge to give credit to whatever inspired my writing, so this is appealing; though I’d love to know more about the story, because sometimes poems are interpreted differently than they’re supposed to.Story
I’ve always liked to see time transitions in a story; they give this… feeling of change, and it’s nice to read stories in which you can actually see the characters changing and not being static, which is exactly what I got from your story.

You know, your character’s dreams sound more like… her subcouncious talking to her, which is rather interesting, for she knows that it’s all a dream, but yet reality gets mixed in within them and there’s also the part where you feel like everything is real, which it isn’t.

Topics like the one you chose for your story (those of sexual fantasies at young ages) always intrigue me, because parents usually are rather alarmed about such events, and they might overreact, when in reality, children have sexual fantasies throughout childhood and through the rest of their lives.

The parents reaction is not hard to imagine; it’s actually what a conservative household would do or think about their children having sex dreams.

She nodded, “Yeah but he never kisses me on the mouth.” -- I really liked finding out that the man that she dreams with this Grayson character.

Scarlet was in her place again, sitting on the bench looking at the fountain. This time it was spring, the trees were in bloom, the grass was green and the fountain had water spouting out of it. -- I noticed that you change her dreams’ environment according to what she is feeling; it is nicely done and not overly saturated with those flowerily poetic descriptions, which is rather refreshing.

The last bit was quite shocking, because of the way your character seems to say everything so straight forwards, which means that there’s development, from this shy girl to someone who’s confident in what she wants.

The ending could have been a bit longer, though; it’s just that… it ends too abruptly for my taste, but sometimes that mystery is necessary to hook up the reader.Grammar
I saw some grammatical errors with the dialogue, regarding tags and beats.

Some examples so you understand what I mean:

“My dream. No ones ever here with me though,” she looked around before adding, “Its the first time its ever snowed.”

The first comma should be a period, because the following sentence is not a tag, rather than a beat.

It’d be a comma had the sentence went like:
“My dream. No ones ever here with me though,” she said.

As well with this sentences:
Grayson touched her cheek, “What are[…]”
That comma should be a period.

By fixing those little grammar mistakes, you could have a better piece of writing; I hoped it helped.

Sorry, accidentally hit enter to soon.

I like Grayson's name, though I'm not a huge fan of hers. I do like his nickname for her. Overall, this flows really well and you use excellent description for setting the scene without going overboard. It'll be interesting to see where you go with this story.

I like the poem in the summary, I just wish I had a bit more of a concrete summary.

I really like the realization of how she knows she's dreaming. It's very interesting. And it's slightly amusing as well, to picture this girl standing in her PJs in a snowstorm.

You're missing two apostrophes. No ones should be no one's and Whats should be What's.

I really like the entire thing about the "bad" dreams. I've never actually read anything similar to it. And I like how your approach to it keeps it from being profane, yet the man still has normal emotions about it. I like how embarrassed she is. It makes it like a living dream, emotions people would actually feel.

Ah... so he's like her dream guy that exists in the real world making himself known through her dreams? Sort of interesting. It could go very well. I wonder if he's controlling being in her dreams or if it's an accident. I'd actually prefer the former.

I like the bluntness of the sexuality in this fic. There's nothing really erotic about it (at least as of yet) and it just reminds me of young adolescent girls discovering their sexuality. I really think that's incredibly interesting. The fact that Scarlet doesn't have an age we've heard makes it even more interesting and ambiguous.

Story Review Game -

First of all, I have to say your layout hurts my eyes a bit. I've never been one to like all that white. To me, the blue also seems a bit out of place with no other colours to back it up.
I can still see your title in tiny blue letters under the image you've used to replace it. All you have to do to make it go away is change the font colour of it to white. It'll look much nicer.
I think that you should have an actual margin at the top of the story area, too. Right now uou can still see the black border at the very top, and a little bit of white, which in my opinion doesn't look good at all.

"Pictures or profiles of characters aren't allowed anywhere in your story. That includes story summary!"
Does this mean you can't have the picture of text in the summary? I'm not sure at all. It might be something to look into, though.
I also think that it would be a lot easier to draw readers in if you would actually put some form of summary, but what do I know? Maybe the poem method has worked for you in the past.

I'm not a huge fan of the bolded text. I'm not sure if that's just something for this prologue kind of chapter, or for the whole thing. Might be a good idea to get some opinions on it before you decide to use it for the rest of the story, though, if you're going to.

She knew she was dreaming. She had to be because she wouldn't be in her pajamas in the backyard while it was snowing in the middle of the summer.

I love this sentence. It's a perfect opening, and gives a very strong mental image without needing a lot of description.

Scarlet sat on the iron bench looking at the fountain that wasn't running.

I think there should be a comma between bench and looking? Perhaps I'm wrong. My dad used to tell me that I use too many. xD

“Why are you here?” she asked, confused and curious why the man would be in her dream.
Oh dear x3 This is going to be a very long review if I keep pointing out thigns every sentence. Anyways, maybe you meant to say "curious as to why the man" or something similar?

Alright, from reading ahead, I can see that there are a lot of errors, mostly places you didn't put commas. You really need to look over your own chapter and correct everything.

"My mom and dad" doesn't need to be capitalized, although you were right about "Mom and Dad". You also need to watch commas and periods before and after dialogue. For example,

He stood up and said. “Bye, Scar.”

Crooking his finger, he motioned for her to move closer to him, “Come here.”

One should be a period before the dialogue, one should be a comma. There's other times when you've done this too.

Anyways, it was an interesting chapter with a lot of useful foreshadowing. It makes the reader question who this man is, of course, and what sort of powers he might have that he appears in her dreams. I liked how Scarlet's personality changed throughout the years, and you could tell. Some people make their characters stay exactly the same when they go through a huge time jump, and that always annoys me. This is good. Grayson is an interesting, somewhat mysterious, and almost contradictory character, which si by no means a bad thing. It gives him an interesting twist.

With the errors fixed, this could be a great story. I'm sorry that I'm so critical, but I'm sure you're going to get reviews from people telling you they think it's the most amazing thing they've ever read. There needs to be at least one person playing the bad guy, right? ^.^ You're definitely a good writer. Keep it up.

One word. Addictive.