It's Only in My Head - Comments

Firstly, I have to say that I loved how Brendon takes care of Ryan in this. It felt natural to me to read about them interacting that way. That's what really stood out the most to me.

Ryan was very much vulnerable, and to be honest, I rarely thought of him that way. I like that you portrayed that part of him, though I know this is fictional. (Or is it? haha)

When I first started reading this, I was expecting a girl to be involved with them somehow, and I have to say that I'm not disappointed that there wasn't one. This just makes sense, and I don't think having a girl included wouldn't have improved nor would it really have disrupted the story. Unless you'd written her in as a crucial part of their lives, that is.

The ending was open-ended, and yet, it fits. It's not a bad thing in this case. It lets the reader decide what it means for them. For me it was a sign that even though things were improving slightly, the storms were on their way. I'd like to think the two of them would use the rain as a cleansing thing rather than something to run from metaphorically.

I had no clue how to start this review, because, for once, I was left without words.

I’ve been meaning to tell you this for quite some time now, but till now I confirm it; you have this ability to write things that remind me about cotton candy, carousels, and fortune wheels. It’s like a carnival, each and every single one of your stories; you pain soft colors inside my head.

Anyways, I’m ranting now, on with the review.

The summary is great; it doesn't give away much, and those parts of the song you got inspiration from are a nice touch.

The introductory line reminds me off… have you seen the movie Shine? If you haven’t, the main character is a pianist, and he has some spectrum disorder of schizophrenia, and the way that Ryan talks and his gestures remind me of this pianist.

It is so vivid and wonderful to picture Ryan doing this gestures, almost as if he was catatonic, and I can picture his eyes quite lost in Brendon’s, but not really lost there, just… he’s off in his own world.

“Do you understand it?” Brendon asks. It’s what Ryan wants him to say. Brendon’s not stupid. He knows his place in these conversations isn’t to contribute or even to listen. -- I assume that this has been going for quite some time now, and those two really know how to act around each other; they know each other so well that Brendon doesn’t really need to act sympathetic nor concerned towards Ryan; he only needs to listen, but to Ryan, it seems like it’d be the same if he was talking to a wall, as least as the wall responded somehow to his rants.

“[…]It’s like colors and emotions and lines from poems I’ve read. -- this right here, reminds me of your stories; that’s the exact same thing I feel when I’m reading them; it’s so easy to relate to this part and perhaps that’s why it is my very favorite line from the story.

I hate delving into grammar, but you had a little mistake after the I’ve read. part; the it’s afterwards should be capitalized.

Brendon stands, takes the mug over to the sink. He empties it and refills it from the pot. -- I can grasp some sort of routine right here; it’s nice to be remembered that they are so used to each other that Brendon knows perfectly what Ryan needs, without Ryan even asking for whatever that is.

I really love the way you make your characters interact with each other; they act like one, and perhaps they’re even one, split at birth, but still they feel like one person with two different bodies and personalities. They are so vivid and real, and I’m not saying so because of the musicians in which you inspire them, but you actually give new lives to each one of this boys, so they live.

“And sometimes I don’t remember and I fucking rip myself apart trying to. Try to write it down, but it’s always wrong. Write it, right it. Whatever.” -- The writer’s disease. I question myself about Ryan’s condition… is it simply a way to cope with his struggling battle against this block? Or is he really possibly depressed, or perhaps he has some sort of mania, or even perhaps mild schizophrenic outbursts that make him want to just give up?

He hears crickets chirping, sees a lone bird sitting on the powerlines.[…] -- your settings are always so soft and easy to process, no overly filled with poetic bullshit that would make them unrealistic; they are real and they exist, as well as your characters, and the surroundings breathe and change; it’s simply gorgeous.

Because Ryan’s wanted to sleep with Brendon for longer than he can remember, but he’s never mentioned it. More out of fear and self-preservation than protecting the other boy, but he’ll twist it to make himself feel better if he fucking wants to. -- I’d like to think about Ryan as a selfish prick, as his own inner voice tells him, but I just can’t picture him as such, for he’s just fragile, like everyone else, and that fear of being rejected and possibly losing Brendon is normal; it’s something the readers could relate to easily, and it makes their relationship even more vivid than before.

Brendon’s shaking his head, but he’s smiling. “You’re so weird, Ry.” he says as he bends over and heaves Ryan to his feet. He grabs the shirt off the floor and pulls it over the other boy’s head,[…]-- This whole scene is simply adorable; it actually made me squeal, like a fan girl I don’t know what is it about that part… but I guess is the fact that Brendon acts so sweet towards Ryan, and he doesn’t even look taken aback by having to dress Ryan up; it’s just as if he was nurturing him back to health, and I love it, because it shows how concerned he is for him.

But they’re suddenly gone and a sob tears from his throat and he realizes something for the first time. And he decides maybe he’s just been making himself sick.

Being sick is easier. -- Because it is easier to feign being sick than to face reality… It’s simply heartbreaking, but it’s the truth, and sometimes we all hide behind some sickness (or fantasy) in order to escape, but perhaps Ryan was too long gone from reality, that it hit him so hard when he finally realized that he could be with Brendon, not because he was sick, but because he also cared.

The way you ended the story is just perfect; that last bit about the rain… it gives hope, because, in this case, rain could wash away all the bad things, and there’s a high possibility that everything will end up great for Brendon and Ryan, and that perhaps Ryan will come back altogether from that sickness of his.

Seriously, you still manage to paint pictures inside my head, with each and every story of yours; I have no criticism towards this, because it is just perfect, and it is real, and it doesn’t have an ending; it doesn’t need one, because this happened, and this is life.

I have to say that after reading, you not only have a knack for writing but finding the perfect song to fit along with what you write as well.

And a little off topic: I'm not one for covers of songs usually, but Panic's version is just as good as the original.

Fantastic. Yet again. Sometimes I think it's pointless giving my opinion, seeing as it's not a very good one and it's not much in the way of constructive criticism. It's unneeded support though, and that's enough.

And damn. The Counting Crows... Does that bring back childhood memories of sitting in a car late at night, driving down some motorway in France... Ever since I was a kid and didn't even give a shit about the importance of song lyrics, I've always found that line, "She says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something," so meaningful. I don't know why... I confuse myself sometimes.

This fits the song perfectly by the way and I'm probably gonna think of this every time I hear it now...

xx

It’s just to keep it going the way Ryan wants it to, so he can unload his brain and slow down the merry-go-round he feels like he’s constantly spinning on.
I like the metaphor with the merry-go-round, I’m not sure why, but it’s poetic.

it’s like it’s defined by what my brain has in it’s memories to define it with.”
Three things about this:
1. It’s should be capitalized, no biggie.
2. my brain has in it’s memories, the it’s here should be its to show ownership, instead of a contraction.
And 3. This line just doesn’t make much sense to me, I’m not sure what it’s trying to say. Maybe this is purposeful because Ryan is being overly cryptic? I don’t know, it just confuses me and doesn’t seem to make much sense.

He’s not mad, not upset. Not really anything. He’s just drained, mentally, not able to identify any emotion he could possible have the strength to pull off right now.
Ryan being so emotionless makes my heart go out to him. I hate not feeling anything, it makes me feel powerless, too. I like this line. <3

He walks over to the charcoal girll they never use and lifts the lid, pulling out the pack of cigarettes he hasn’t told Brendon about yet.
typo. :3 Grill*.

He imagines it as flesh, burning the top layer of skin away, getting closer to the bone, the parts of us that are pure and not fucked up by whatever bullshit has happened in our lives.
I’ll admit it, I cringed a little bit when Ry started explaining the whole skin burning away, but I like where you end up going with it, turning it into something beautiful.

He’ll go in, brush his teeth, puts his clothes in the washer.
Put*

Brendon gets up at nine in the morning, tries to be quiet and nto wake Ryan up.
Not*

“You’re so weird, Ry.” he says as he bends over and heaves Ryan to his feet. He grabs the shirt off the floor and pulls it over the other boy’s head, helps him work his arms through the sleeves as if he were a child. Then he kneels, lifts Ryan’s legs to put the boxers on him, tugs them up around his waist as if it’s the most natural thing n the world.
After the “You’re so weird, Ry,” there should be a comma, instead of a period. It’s how speaker tags are written. :3 And another typo, in the last sentence. in*
But, I really love this whole section. I love how sweet Brendon is about it, how he doesn’t make it seem weird and how just caring he is. It’s the sweetest thing ever.

“Because if we fuck I won’t kill myself.”
Heartbreaking honesty.
:3
I like how Ryan just came out, as brutal as it was, even though he was having second thoughts beforehand.
In all honesty, I really liked this. I loved the emotion in it and I liked being inside Ryan's messed up little head. I also liked the character you created with Brendon. He was a sweetheart.<3
The only thing is that in the beginning, I think you should've explained where exactly it was that Ryan was coming from, because I was kind of confused by all his negative thoughts.
This is great. You capture your characters well. (:

New story. About 1600 words.
Ryan-centric.
PG-13.
Inspired by a Panic cover of "Round Here".

Happy [?] reading!

xoxox
-Dru