Faulty Affection - Comments

Story Review Game

Reviewing chapter two as I go, so bear with me

He probably wishes that I was dead. -- I really liked the opening line, it hooked me in which was good because a lot of the time the second chapter isn't as interesting as previous ones. So well done there.

Something I noticed straight away in the first paragraph was that you used a lot of short, simple sentences. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I think if you tried extending them a little more, or making two short sentences into one longer one, the story may flow a little better.

I hadn't check the date lately -- I think you mean 'checked'

As I looked at myself I felt the hollowness inside. -- I really liked this line, it was very powerful and to the point, which got the message across about how she feels.

I twisted around, hiding my face from the mirror. I didn't want to see the person in the mirror. -- The repitition of the word 'mirror' makes these sentences sound a little forced, maybe you could try re-wording it to something like 'see the person reflected back at me.'

I think the sudden jump of five years is just that- very sudden and it was kind of confusing. I think maybe more description could have been put in or maybe you could have started a new chapter? Just my opinion.

Also a lot of the time there should be a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue, if you understand what I mean

"Live with a chronic depression that has the possibility of never going away. Check" It was my own sick little joke. I had to make it look like had the perfect job, the perfect friends, and the perfect fiancé that I was deeply and madly in love with. But we all know that you can't judge a book by its cover. -- I really liked the ending paragraph, it was interesting and had a vague sick humour that I like, so well done (:

Faulty Affection

I really liked the title. It’s simple and unique.

Chapter 1

The first paragraph seems a bit abrupt. I like stories where the author just jumps in, but here the sentences that follow the first two seem choppy. It doesn’t flow well. Maybe if you made the first line into a paragraph of its own, that would help. So there would be that statement - Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened - and then the following paragraph would explain it – Of course I loved Pierce, we had wonderful times together, but I hated the idea of hurting him.

I found a lot of the description in the first paragraph unnecessary and tedious. Some of the things you described and certain connecting phrases didn’t really add anything to the story (or to the setting) or provide any detail that helped me relate to the character or the situation – like the color of the glove box or mentioning that she put her hands on the wheel, especially since you mention her gripping the wheel after. It just feels like a lot of actions but it still doesn’t convey anything.

I think the biggest problem is that you tell the readers how each character is feeling rather than showing us. I can’t connect with either of the characters and I don’t feel for them. It makes the story impersonal and it seems like everything you’re saying (description-wise) is perfunctory. Kind of like a police report. Even the details that are meant to describe the character’s reactions fall short. It just feels…empty. And a lot of over-used descriptions and settings are present, and it doesn’t really make me want to continue to read.

Chapter 2

Reading the first few paragraphs, I think that maybe you’re rushing into the story two quickly. There’s more of the “telling rather than showing” and while that could work, I don’t think it does here. It feels like you’re trying to create these characters and solidify them all in one go, but perhaps it would be better if you took the time to develop them more. Or, at the least, describe the characters, like Andrew, in a way that isn’t so…to-the-point. I think that maybe describing how he is with work (and you have started doing that) would be better than saying things like “He was a very self appointed person.” Give the readers a chance to draw their own conclusions by adding more indirect details.

Not to say he’s a bad man. He’s a wonderful person. Everyone has their flaws. – I didn’t really get this part. From what you said prior – Andrew could droan on and on about his businesses. He was a very self appointed person. – there’s no reason for the readers to think he’s a bad person, boring maybe, but not bad, so reading that seemed a bit off.

Everyone has their flaws. – I didn’t see why you would mention that. Again, he hasn’t really done anything that would make the readers think he’s less than any other person out there, so there’s no need to try to reassure the readers that he’s a person of good character or that he’s no worse than anyone else.

I found the second chapter really boring. The dialogue between the two characters was pretty dull and the narrative didn’t help to make things interesting. I really had to push through to keep reading it. I think you should work a little more on bringing Josephine to life. She seems like she could be an interesting character, someone who can find herself in serious relationship even though she still has commitment issues (from her deposed relationship before, and the way she seems to be feeling about eventually marrying Ansley, it seems like she’s having trouble with, and the fact that she allowed him to pay her tuition, and the way she’s allowed herself to just float along in the relationship) and I think that if you quirked up her personality/attitude a bit, it would help make the narration more interesting to read. I can understand the lack of…umph in the conversation because maybe that’s the dynamic you were going for, but if that’s the case, you have to make up for it with interesting dialogue, you know? Otherwise there’s nothing there to hold the readers’ attention.

Also, it's a.m or A.M. because it's the time of day.

Thank you Takanori Matsumoto! I really liked your criticism! Chapters 2 and 3 turned out so boring and I just had issues trying to figure out how to make it better.

Okay so you first mentioned about the first chapter. I know people proably are gonna hate me, but the reader is sort of getting this just like Pierce or Andrew. It should be explained why Josephine left him later on. Like I said, you just gotta stick with it. ;)

So you didn't like Six years later? Okay I think I could figure something out. :)

And Andrew's name was kind of a joke. It wasn't really part of the story but his parents were really laid back, while he's really uptight. But I'll look at your ideas and I will see what I can do to fix it.

Thanks again.

To continue with what hurricane eyes. said, the layout is actually fairly decent, unlike many custom layouts I've seen lately. The title is also original, and it made me curious. So kudos on that. The summary confused me as well, so naturally, I moved on to Chapter 1 to try to figure out what was going on in the story (something I always do). And I found myself to be a tad confused. I couldn't understand why she was leaving him if she loved him so much. But of course, I'm not reviewing the first chapter, so I think I can leave it at that.

In the second chapter, I think that at the beginning, it would have been better to make the transition a bit smoother. The very blunt Six years later bit doesn't really tell me what's gone on, and I wonder why it has to be six years instead of five, or even seven or eight. Another little peeve of mine was the word droan. The correct spelling is drone. And when you're writing time, it's always either A.M. or a.m., never Am.

I'm also a bit confused on a few logistics in the beginning. The tenses change around a bit within paragraphs, so that's something you may want to tighten up. Also, I tried out the name Ansley Andrew in my mind - it doesn't really work. So maybe you could make Ansley his last name, and he can still hate being called that. I also felt like there was something missing in the paragraph about Josephine flashing back on how she met Andrew (again, that seems like a proper first name), like it was all shoved into one paragraph without much thought, and maybe that's something you could expand on.

I also felt like I needed an explanation as to why the chapter after her leaving her boyfriend was a chapter talking to her fiance - is there significance in this way of introducing him as a character? Or is there possibly another way that it could have been done? I don't mean to sound picky, but this chapter is a bit short, so I found myself a bit wanting for a bit of explanation.

The last paragraph confused me as well. There are a lot of ideas tangled in with each other, and it could be a bit more organized. Perhaps you could have her laughing softly to herself as she realizes that Andrew might have organized her kitchen, and then have her think about the way he's helped her (including hiring a wedding planner to help with her stress so that her anti-depressants can work better). I couldn't understand why she was depressed, though. Her life seemed perfectly intact. So maybe you could explain that detail as well?

You have a lot of good ideas in here, but they are mixed in together and don't have enough room to stand on their own. So a few suggestions would be to expand the chapters a bit, choose one or two conflicts to really focus on and then have the others happen on the side (they appear, she deals with them, and then we move on), and then expand on Josephine's character a little bit more. What is her history? Why is she depressed? Why did she choose to settle down with Andrew, if she isn't entirely sure about him?

There are a lot of unanswered questions, but this story does have potential. The details just need to be clarified a bit more, and then I would be more than happy to read through it all and then review it again. (And I've only read chapters one and two, as you asked that I choose between chapters two and three to review)

Thank you very much. I appreciate the feedback. However, you are right. It's pretty sloppy. I was babysitting at the time. I couldn't get the idea out of my head and I just had to type it up.

- Thanks, I like the title too. :)

- Yea, I know the summary is very confusing. But it's meant to be that way. It was the only way I could get it across, without giving away the entire plot. I've always enjoyed that gasp factor in stories, so I like surprising my readers too.

- I wasn't sure if showing every change she made in her vehicle would be boring or not. But I'll make a note to change it. ;)

- I haven't written in a very long time. So I wasn't sure myself how to type out the dialouge. But I love your suggestion, and I will give it a try.

- I'm still not sure if the question mark is required. It's more of a statement to herself.

I'm sorry to everyone who reads these because I have completely mangled the proper english language to get my views across. XD

I liked the title. Faulty Affection was new; a phrase I'd never before heard, and it intrigued me.

I also liked the layout - it was clean, basic, and easy to read. I always like that in stories.

The summary was confusing. To be blunt, I didn't understand the last part. But there's one problem. She's never spoken it. And she probably never will, or at least she hopes. I'm assuming 'She's never spoken it.' is incorrect grammar, but am still confused as to what this means. If you could explain, it would be much appreciated.

The opening paragraph was good. It was a simple introduction, and although there were one or two grammar errors, which you could look over, and perhaps you could use a wide range of vocabulary, it was simplistic and gave the story a start.

I liked the setting - instead of the stereotypical park/cinema/etc, you chose a botanical park. This was intriguing and made the story unique. There is an error in the second paragraph, however. In the first sentence, you have the narrator 'cradling her phone in her hands'. Two lines later, she is 'gripping the steering wheel'. This change is not described, and I can only assume this is a fault in the consistency. Perhaps you could rewrite this part?

I liked the description of your sky. 'Painted'.

I was slightly concerned about how you set out your speech. “How am I suppose to do this?” I whispered to myself. “Josie!” someone yelled. should be:

“How am I suppose to do this?” I whispered to myself.

Josie!” someone yelled.

This is easier to read, and neater.

The muscles in my face just couldn’t form the lie. Lovely description. Easily my favourite line.

You repeated the words voice and raspy several times in a short text. Perhaps this could be revised.

So why did it hurt so badly. A question mark may be required?

Overall, this is a good piece, although not without fault. If you proof read and perhaps rewrote a sentence or two, it could be much improved. But as an introduction, I enjoyed it.