Raw Clay. - Comments

Ifelt that it was a good piece overall. I liked the POV of the baby in the first part. You followed the same theme and feel through the whole story which is good because it wasn't just some piece of junk. You had good grammer which is very important because people shouldn't have to sit there for two hours working out your first paragraph. So well done and you get a thumbs up from me! = )

1 4 1:
The title seemed adorable and it fit the story well. Who was too, adorable. The details was great had us imagining it. The begginging was perfect I love little kids and it was just so cute. Lastly the plot and the meaning of the story was great.

One Shot for One Shot:

I chose Raw Clay simply for the incredibly intriguing title. It sounded arty and unique; I definitely had high hopes.

The layout is simply stunning. The background is subtle, the picture is beautiful, and the story content area is amazing. The colours blended perfectly, and it all fitted so well without seeming crowded.

I liked how you wrote a sentence in Rachel's point of view at the beginning, and also how you describe things. You use good imagery, mixed with simplistic descriptions. It's a great mix and really draws readers in.

The way 'mommy' spoke to Rachel was perfect too; it's exactly how you talk to babies and toddlers, yet didn't seem forced or unnatural.

The sudden change of atmosphere was unexpected, but it worked. I adore how you switch between scenes, it flows perfectly.

The plot was original, and it was nice to see a lack of cliches for once.

My only criticisms would be the centered text; it made it awkward to read, and the few grammatical errors. :)

-facepalm-

one-shot foe one-shot? How did I not catch that? Ugh, that is embarrassing. Sorry.

one-shot foe one-shot

The first thing I noticed is the beautiful layout. It is so pretty and colorful.

Anyway, I love the part with Rachel in the beginning and her mother. It put a smile on my face, because motherhood and babies make me all mushy inside :) I thought it was really cute and believable. It brought back memories of my little sister when she was a baby.

"You're still little. You have so much to learn. Mommy isn't angry, okay? I'm not angry at you. But you have to know that throwing things around isn't right. Okay, Ray-Ray? That's the point of growing up, right? You learn and you fix your mistakes, and even when something happens that isn't good, you move on. Just like raw clay. Like Play-Doh."

That made me go, "Awwww" out loud. It's just so sweet. If we could use the smilies in story comments I would put

It made me really feel for her when I learned that the mother died, which is good because you really opened up the story that I really felt for the characters.

"Never. I am never going to tell anyone what happened. No. I'm moving across the country, nobody would care. It's my chance to start over again, it's just another change in my life, I'm moving on. Like Mom said." "

The BBcode is a bit screwy there. I think you need to add the [ /i] to the end of that to make it all italicized.

I also liked the phrase "a morbod plague" I thought that was a really interesting and pretty play on words.

Something I think would help the story is to work on the dialogue. Some of it seemed a little forced, and when Peter and Rachel were talking about her being "like that" I got a little lost about what exactly they were talking about.

I love love love the analogy between children and clay, and parents being the potter's hands. It just... I can't really explain it, but it seems like a very humbling and heartwarming idea to think about. I also like the cute little banter Rachel and Peter have, it made me smile because it reminded me of me and my friends.

The last few lines are fantastic. They were really pretty and really effective. I really like that you went to the whole friends side of things rather than having them falling in love, because you find so many of those stories on mibba. Overall, it was a really cute story, but not sickenly cute, it's a little more realistic than that.

Sorry for any mistakes or typos in the comment, I can't edit my posts anymore. I don't think I will ever get over that XD