Save Me - Comments

Don't really know the band but you pertray them as really nice guys and I really like how they are so nice to Roxanne. I was so happy that she was settling in just fine and then she was taken away. I hope you keep up the really good work and hope this story turns out well.

Okay....so this story is absolutely phenomenal!!! Holy crap! I don’t think I have read anything quite like it before and I really have enjoyed reading it! Normally I only read the first three chapters before commenting, but you had me completely hooked! More please! I can’t wait for another update!!! Keep up the great work!

I've read the story and the comments and I honestly can't say anything that hasn't already been said xD I love how you write, I love the story... but the shadow behind the font just gives me a headache after a while. I'm looking forward to continuing to read this story - and I love the Layout (: Great job!

I'm sorry, but while I like the story I could only get to about half way through the second chapter.

It's not the story it's the way you designed the chapter font. It looks fuzzy therefore my eyes kept trying to get it to focus right and it started giving me a headache. I will say this, what I read was powerful, simply amazing. Your writing style is actually pretty good compared to a lot of others I have read.

The layout itself is pretty darned amazing. It's simple looking, and yet it gives the story a, well honestly I am not to sure how to describe it, but to me it makes it feel like its adding to the emotion of the story. Like its amplifying it, and yet its not doing it too much to where it over power the story. Like I said hard to explain but I like it.

Anyway, all in all, and this is only my opinion, I like the story from what I was able to read, but it would be a lot easier on the reader if you changed the design of your chapter font.

I forgot to read the last chapter.... :) it was a nice surprise to see another one there though and I like it a lot. And I agree with one of the other comments and her back story is really sad!! I hope things continue to progress in a good way for her and I’m really excited to see how her relationships will develop.

It was very interesting how you developed your character first before you introduced the band and i liked that about the story. Can't wait for the next chapter! Update Soon! :)

I'm not sure if it's my internet browser, but the text in your layout looked really fuzzy to me. It made it sort of difficult to read.
I thought the plot was a little bit cliched, but you're a very good writer. I just think you need to get away from the typical 'band take me away' them.
Keep writing and working hard!

Aside from a few run on sentences, I have to say that I enjoyed your writing style. It paints a clear picture. The layout did distract me though, I had to use the Mibba default layout because after a few minutes the blur of the words was too much. I am not a big fan of Avenged Sevenfold adoption stories but I am willing to give your story a shot because as I've said, I really enjoyed your writing style and the description put into the plot.

I couldn't really read this past the first few chapeters because i'm over sensitive XD I just wanted to cry at Roxannes life! I totally love the way that you described her feelings though. I would like to read it but I have the feeling that the events might be a bit hard hitting? It seems like yo're going to relate back to her life in several chapters so I don't really want to risk it... You have a nice writing style though. I'm going to have a look at any other stories you have though. I'm curious XD

Woah, I only just read the first chapter, and my head is spinning! In a good way, of course. There's so much emotion. I felt sadness at how the main character's mother lost her battle, and anger at how her father became the devil. I really think that some kids could relate to this in a way. I mean, losing your mother and then your father becoming someone you don't even know... That's how I took the situation anyway.

I did see a couple spelling/ grammar errors.

Park should be park, unless the name of the park is actually 'Park'.

untill should be until.

That's really all mistake wise. I'll be subbing to this. Great work!

Okay, first, I love your font and layout and stuff. It's pretty awesome.

I am only judging you on the first chapter because I'm kind of busy, so I'll try to address more your writing style in general than this specific chapter.

The biggest problem I noticed was a plethora of run-on sentences. That's probably the most common writing problem ever. Don't fret! If you read a sentence, and it seems like two different thoughts, then you probably need to add a comma or start a new sentence. It just takes practice.

Another things I noticed was that sometimes you describe things too heavily. Clear and precise language is generally a writer's friend; for instanc, instead of "soft subtle white skin", your character could have "silky, pale skin". The effect is really the same, but the reader isn't bogged down in a sea of adjectives.

This seems like it's a really interesting story, and I think it could really be awesome if you work on it!

Okay, first, I love your font and layout and stuff. It's pretty awesome.

I am only judging you on the first chapter because I'm kind of busy, so I'll try to address more your writing style in general than this specific chapter.

The biggest problem I noticed was a plethora of run-on sentences. That's probably the most common writing problem ever. Don't fret! If you read a sentence, and it seems like two different thoughts, then you probably need to add a comma or start a new sentence. It just takes practice.

Another things I noticed was that sometimes you describe things too heavily. Clear and precise language is generally a writer's friend; for instanc, instead of "soft subtle white skin", your character could have "silky, pale skin". The effect is really the same, but the reader isn't bogged down in a sea of adjectives.

This seems like it's a really interesting story, and I think it could really be awesome if you work on it!

I'm not a very big fan of Avenged Sevenfold, well a fan at all really, but this seems like the start of a very good and interesting fanfiction, your character portrayal so far is very good and somewhat captivating, I'll definitely be reading on and waiting for your updates. Good work (:

I found it really interesting actually, somewhat. It was hard to keep my attention to it though, it took me awhile to read because I kept being distracted by other things. This was because of the paragraphs, they were way too big. An easier way to make them more smaller and interesting would be every time you write and describe something new, start a new paragraph like in chapter 2 she was awoken my an old woman, then began going on about something else, after the old woman went away you should have began a new paragraph. Keeps the story looking more interesting and less daunting.
A little less description would be good as well, it's made it a lot slower and took awhile to actually read a bit into her background. It's good to have detail but a little less would be better just to pick up the pace of the chapters.

Other than that I really enjoy it, the layout, the plot so far, the way you write (besides the paragraphs and detail) I do like it a lot :)

I like this, and I am not a bit fan of Avenged. I love the style you write in. I can see you changed your title, which seems like it will change the way people see your story. I think I'll pop back to see if you've updated and check it out sometime.

i don't especially read avenged fictions, and this one was pretty decent. i actually like it quite a bit although the title is a bit -er- unoriginal, i guess. i've just seen so many stories like this that have "Living with-", "Adopted by-", you know. but i'm not one to judge stories by their titles, so. it was pretty good, and keep up the good work.

The first thing I noticed was that your background image was missing. (I can only see the Photobucket "This image has been deleted..." message.) So I moved over to Mibba's default layout.

The second thing I took notice of was the title. which definitely made me weary. I've seen the "Adopted by '[insert hot celebrity here" stories and in the past they've fallen a bit short, but I'm definitely willing to give your story a chance.

While your long summary told an interesting story, I found that there was a lot of spelling/grammar errors in it. If that's something you have trouble with, I'd suggest asking a Mibbian for editing help in the "Editing and Proofreading" thread (found in the Tips forum). It's amazing how simple something like spelling or grammar errors can change the effect a story has on it's readers, so it's definitely something worth looking into.

As for the contest of the summary, while it certainly was interesting, I think it maybe gave a way too much of the story. I feel like it was a bit of an info-dump, which can sometimes be overwhelming (or off-putting) for readers.

The first chapter, once getting past the spelling/grammar stuff, was really nicely done. I think you have a very nice way of describing things and putting words together.

One thing I did notice, though, was that in the summary you said Roxy lost her mother at age 6 but in the first chapter you say she lost her mother when she was 7 (and then again in the 5th chapter, you say her mother died when she was 6) - probably just a typo, but it was a bit confusing.

After going through the next few chapters, I felt that the story was moving along a little slowly - probably because of the breakdown of the chapters. I felt like a lot of what happened in chapters 1 - 6 would have been better of being within one chapter instead, that way each chapter wouldn't have felt so much like a filler (going by without much event).

One thing I didn't like was that even by chapter 10, I could really see where this story was going. As a reader, that frightens me a bit because it seems like perhaps this story will be one that won't really move forward. Without a central focus and something to move towards, a story could easily just turn into something that sort of meanders on for dozens of chapters without conclusion.

Overall, I think you have a nice thing going here. I think your writing style is very pleasant and the 'idea' behind this story is an interesting one. I'm just not sure that having the focal point of this story be that she's 'adopted' by this band is going to be able to hold the interest of readers (It doesn't really hold my interest). I think there needs to be a greater conflict for the overall story, rather than mini-conflicts (Gena not wanting Roxy to move in and little fights between the guys and Roxy), so that the story is moving towards an actual climax and then end.

I have to post again on here, yeah, I'll just like, spam this with how perfect it was or something. Aha. It was really good and yeah, you know, the last two things I've posted. Sorry if this is annoying and stuff.. But yeah... Um, hi. c:

-Greg.

When I read the title I honestly was facepalming myself because I believed this would be a story that had no identification of paragraphs or just one big paragraph itself. But you proved me wrong. It is a very good story and you should continue. I don't normally read Avenge fanfictions, but this is a pretty good one.

-Greg

When I read the title I honestly was facepalming myself because I believed this would be a story that had no identification of paragraphs or just one big paragraph itself. But you proved me wrong. It is a very good story and you should continue. I don't normally read Avenge fanfictions, but this is a pretty good one.