Elves of O'tenka - Comments

Finally -and sorry for the double post- I just wanted to tell you not to be discouraged if it seems like I'm being overly critical here. The only reason I can critque your work is because it has structure in the first place - with some stories, you just don't know where to begin. :)

Chapter One:

This is very well-written, but I think there are just a few things you could do to improve the flow. Firstly, and you might hate to hear this, but you can be slightly too verbose sometimes- just slightly I know I do this too, and I always find culling words a heart-breaking process, which is why I hate to say it. It's not anything about having too large a vocubulary (the more colourful the words, the better, in my opinion), but rather just about getting your meanings tangled up in too many words.

For example:

Pale rays of moonlight had begun to burst through the verdant foliage of a towering canopy, lighting a walkway across the leaf-littered floor.

The sentences of either side of this are nice ones, but I think you may have used a few too many adjectives here. I might try saying 'Pale moonlight burst through the verdant canopy' or something more like that. You could also mention the height of the trees if you wanted to, but I just think you could rephrase it. 'Walkway' is also perhaps not the perfect word if you are trying to describe a natural passage revealed by the light. I might say 'path'.

Passages like this could also be tweaked a little:

This was one aspect of her would-be profession she detested. It wasn't that she was fussy. After all, she could appreciate nature as depicted in works of art. Those scenes were absolutely beautiful. Reality, however, was not so pretty.

I think it sounds a bit fragmented, probably because it is. Try joining some of those sentences up- 'It wasn't that she was fussy- she could appreciate nature as depicted in art.'

You also use unnecessary joining words sometimes. For instance:

Apparently, she was closer than she had thought,

I don't think 'apparently' is really needed here, and if anything it probably just puts distance between the reader and the character. If you want to keep it though, that's your decision.

There are other passages that stand out for reasons along these lines, but I'm sure you could find them for yourself if you read over this chapter again. Try reading it aloud to yourself- works for me.

In the end, these are also just minor nit-picks. I can tell you've put some thought into writing this, and you're certainly getting there. As I think I've told you before, you write quite eloquently, especially given your age, and you should be proud of that.

Cheers,

-Aelf.

This story is pretty awesome. I would like to give some advice, however, I think Aelf has beaten me to it. =D

I think you are quite a good writer, especially for your age. However, since you request them, I do have a few small, albeit possibly subjective, criticisms.

Firstly, I think it's odd that you've named a character and then instantly killed her off. If she is but a 'mere' assistant, then perhaps it would be better to leave her anonymous? At any rate, if you do choose to mention her name in passing, it might be better to not have her constantly addressed and referred to by it. This kinda gave the impression that she was going to do something more dramatic before her bit came to and end. Then again, it might just be me who thinks this- just putting it out there.

Secondly, this sentence stands out:

It was a miracle the couple was there.

If it were me, I'd either attach it to one of the adjacent paragraphs, or elaborate on it until it was a spiel of its own. There's really no reason to just put it on its own like that.

For a compliment, I think you have quite a well-established narrative style. This is probably, as I think you mentioned somewhere else, because you have a lot of practice using this particular voice. That's great. However, you sometimes make obvious statements that undermine it. For example:

Someone was shooting at them from within the forest.

Once you've described the shooting, you don't need to then go on and re-state it. Your audience already gets the point, and it's probably better to lead them on with imagery than just tell them what's happening. You have some excellent imagery (I especially liked the bit about blood 'fountaining') and it would be a real shame to butcher that with bluntness.

Overall, I think this is quite a polished piece. You can do spelling and grammar and all that jazz, so you're gonna get along with Mibba just fine.

Your plot is obviously also going somewhere, so kudos on that.

Keep it up!

-Aelf.

Very well written. It's rare to have a typical fantasy story on Mibba. Most are about Werewolves and Vampires, which is getting very cliche.
Keep up the good work!

:D i like the detail u put into the story! :)
wats goin to happen?!?!