March 29th, 2010 at 08:16pm
That was hard for a girl to take, especially when she’s only in her teens. But putting it in perspective is what mothers are for even after they laugh at you.
All one sentence. The full stop makes it read awkward. A comma would be better.
Besides, it wasn’t as if I had a boyfriend to impress.
I’m not keen on this line. Maybe say it’s not like I had anyone to impress.
If I thought of anything else other than that, then what was my real purpose? I wasn’t going to have one.
This line reads awkward. It needs rewording or some more description to really make sense. I still keep rereading it, but I’m not quite understanding the thought process of the character in that line.
That completely explained the fact that what would have been her idea of cool and mine were on completely opposite sides of the spectrum.
Maybe remove the first part. Just have “Her idea of cool was on the complete opposite side of the spectrum as mine.” It would read smoother.
“Here’s for you grams,”
“Here’s for you, Grams,”
You have a great cute meet. I’m not fond of her cousin though. She seems a bit stuck up and bragging. If she’d be old enough to bring a date, I think she’d be a bit more mature about it, or some description from Tabitha is needed to elaborate on her relationship with Brittany. I feel there’s some sort of rivalry or resentment there. Maybe I’m wrong, but either way I’d love for you to give more details about it.
I like the premise you have, although it really would have been cuter for her to be telling the story to her granddaughter at their fiftieth anniversary party. I thought that would have been a great way to tie the prompt in twice, but I think you did well setting up the end through small details in the story.
It was cute overall. I liked that she had a connection with her family and was there to make her grandmother happy. I loved the line I walked down the stairs and joined my family, instantly embraced in warmth and light. I couldn’t imagine living without them. That was great and I thought it set up perfectly the ending of having her own family with him.
Great work!
congrats on placing!