Him And Her - Comments

First thing I thought about was Romeo and Juliet.
Sorry I had to read this!

I like this a lot! Like your description explained, it has a poem-y vibe to it which is brilliant. The ending totally broke my heart though. The beginning was adorable and when he told her he loved her and she announced she was engaged I was like 'awuh' I liked this, even though it's a few years old I can see the improvement and changes in your work, I'll go read the sequel, I think so :)

and broke [of] her engagement - typo
I thought the beginning was really cute. I like it when I see how a character used to be. But when it got to the senior year part onwards, I was like, this is getting kinda, eh. But I'll check out the sequel to see if it improves :)

Contest Judging.

First things first. You need to get rid of the & symbol in your title. Change it to Him and Her. It can get you reported.

e and broke of her engagement broke off her engagement. You missed a period at the end of this sentence as well.

there it was to late it was too late.

Alright. Like many above me said. This could've been stretched out.

I feel like the sentences were so monotonous. There was hardly any description. Just basic sentences. They did this. Then this happened. Now this is the end.

Also, I felt like the story line was a bit cliche. Like it was the typical best friends fall in love, and die sequence. I just feel like I've read this so many times before.

Grammar and spelling errors already covered by EG.
xD

I'm commenting anyway because I feel bad that you're willing to read my stuff without me commenting on yours, so...yeah. Here we go. I really liked it. I think it's sweet how she realized that he was the guy for her, not the guy she was about to marry. I'm a little iffy on the fact that she broke off her engagement with the guy so easily, though, but then again, love makes you do crazy things. And the poor kid committed suicide ._.

Very sad. But very nice :)

The grammar is great now, Zoidey! Good job. I didn't see any mistakes.

I'd still like to see it stretched out, though. Maybe a little more beef to the plot? Whenever you really feel like taking a whack at it.

Great job!

Zoidy, I gotta say it again. This is your story with the most potential. I wish you would take the things I said into consideration and revise it, because it really has such potential.

It's cute but you need to revise your sentence structures. Too many main clauses put together with a comma inbetween :)
Also, change the font/colour/background etc
x

Ah, I was going to make some grammar nitpicks, but I see Goaty has beaten me to it. Follow her advice, and I think you'll find this will sound a lot more polished.

That said, this is a good concept, and I like the idea of turning it into something bigger. I feel like fleshing this out with details about the characters and their relationship history could really add new dimensions to this and make the punchline all that more tragic.

It seems a little rushed, and it could easily be extended and made into something more. I find it to be a good concept, despite how... sad and slightly depressing it is.

The way you ended it was quite good, in my opinion.

:O
OMG... that is so sad!

I agree with Goat, though I must say
the ending was bloody sad D:
shadowsXinXdarkness
mentioned it already, but this
would make a great chaptered story.
:D <3

This was so cute and sad.
There are mistakes but the others have already mentioned that and I believe Electric Goat has covered them all.
And I agree with CyFi Baron Cohen that this could be a good chaptered story.

Aww. It was cute.

But the grammar needs some fixing. :/

What a shocker, but I agree with previous two commenters as well.
There's mistakes and such but once reading past them, I liked this.
It seemed a little rushed but it was direct and straight to the point, something I find a bit hard at times since I tend to ramble.
But other than that, good work! :D

I agree with Goaty.

I actually really like this, but yeah there are a lot of mistakes.

^ She covered all of them, I think. XD

I'd like to see this rewritten and made into a chaptered story. It would be good. But that's just my opinion.

^^

They was the best of friends, when they where was little, in the sandbox they would play. But as time went on the sandbox they both out grew.

They were the best friend friends when they were little; in the sandbox they would play.

They had traded in a sandbox for a school, Elementary was hard for her always getting picked on, but he was always there to save her and protect her. As the years went on their friendship grew.

I don’t know that that first sentence means. They traded in the sandbox during school, maybe? And ‘Elementary’ should start a whole new sentence.

Middle school came quickly and she’d finally bloomed, kids in her school where telling her, she no longer needed him, she was an American beauty.

Middle school came quickly, and she finally bloomed. At least, that’s what all the kids at school were telling her. She no longer needed him; she was an American beauty.

But soon they where in high school Senior year to be exact, they where at a party celebrating, he looked her in the eyes, he leaned forward for a kiss the girl just froze there till he pulled away, “I think we need to talk.” She told him grimly.

But soon, they were in high school. Senior year, to be exact. They were at a part celebrating when he looked her in the eyes. He leaned forward for a kiss, and she just froze in that spot until he pulled away.
“I think we need to talk,” she told him grimly.

He agreed and told her that he loved her, and that he’d been hiding his feelings since they where kids. She looked at him and her eyes filled with tears as she spoke. “I’ve got to tell you something, I’ll be married in a few short months.” With one last look at the woman he was in love with he left the house in which the party was being held, the next day he became a high school drop out, but he did leave her a note.

He agreed, and they moved to a more private place to talk. Once there, he confessed that he loved her, and had been hiding his feelings since they were kids. She looked at him with her eyes full of tears and spoke,” I’ve got to tell you something… I’ll be married in just a few months.”
With one last look at the woman he was in love with, he left the house. The next day, he became a high school drop out. Despite the quickness of it all, he left her a note.

Upon reciving the note she went to her fiancé’s house, broke of her engagement and ran to his place, but when she got there it was to late, he’d already taken the pills, she rushed him to the closest ER, they told her what she already feared, she leaned over him and whispered in his ear, I love you to, I always have and always will, there will never be any one like you. The next day the local paper read:

Upon receiving his note, she went to her fiancé’s house and broke off their engagement. (You should put something her about how she’s feeling, more detail or something) She ran to his house soon after, but by the time she arrived, it was too late. He had already taken the pills. Desperate, she rushed him to the closest ER. They told her what she already feared. (Here would be another place for the reader to peer into her mind)
She leaned over him and whispered in his hear, “I love you, too. I always have, and I always will. There will never be anyone like you again.”

There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, but I think I got all of them. It’s a good concept, but it seems rushed.