Arablest/ Prototype - Comments

Yay, update! :D

This chapter has been the best written so far.

Update soon!

Yay, update! :D

This chapter has been the best written so far.

Update soon!

Yay for history lessons!

I can;t wait for the next update!

Ha, I'm commenting again. :)

I just thought it was hilarious how the bandit had a pirate accent... :D

Okay, so I finally got around to reading this!

I really like it.

The chapters are very descriptive, and from all of the character info you provide, it's like I really do know him.

I subscribed!

Please update soon! :)

Hey, I just read your work and I think it's pretty good for an upcoming writer. There are a few things that I would like to suggest, but it might seem a bit convoluted. I tried to organize my thoughts in different bullets and for each point, I go from the first few chapters to the later ones (I hope that made sense). Sorry if I didn't talk about your positive points very much, but I focused on what needs work:
-Proofread please
-A few of your mannerisms are a bit odd; not necessarily a bad thing, but something that I noticed. It might be why the flow (of the writing) is disrupted though.
-Your transition from the everyday to the supernatural was too sudden and didn’t have enough substance. You could have put a little more into that change and perhaps made it into a plot point later on in the story.
-You could add much more descriptions, not only on the characters but the surroundings. That way, the reader could probably feel the scene change from, say, the park to the forest. Just saying there were many trees doesn’t make the reader wonder or picture what is happening. Think of it as a comparison between a book of classic literature where they spend two pages describing the random stranger with the hat who the main character passed by on the street, only never to see him ever again, as opposed to a children’s novel where they just say “here’s a guy, know him”. Adding more description will encourage the reader to get more attached to the character, too.
-Would someone who “had never been in this close proximity alone with another girl before” really be able to speak normally immediately after waking up into that situation spontaneously? This fallacy of reality happens a few other times, also. In the first few chapters, the characters don’t question each other or Jeremy his surroundings nearly enough. And would someone with no combat experience at all, from the 21st century, no less, really rush into battle with no second thought? And do so well? These bandits are probably good at what they do and have done it for quite a while. And a rapier... has as much controversy as a sword to some people as Badminton is considered a sport XD. Sorry Chinese people, I had to throw that in there. And when you’re stabbed in the heart, you don’t get a few extra seconds to turn around and start walking towards the guy who killed you. You’re dead. And I’m pretty sure by Chapter 8, Jeremy could figure out that he wasn’t in the present that he knew anymore.
-Yes, I will help the girl with the lance. Because I’m sure a rapier will do sooo much better against guns.
-Fire Emblem isn’t real. Lances aren’t “weak” against axes. Just stick it into the guy and he can’t even hit you without getting close. Not saying that axes are disadvantaged against lances, either. It really depends on the style and the person using it. And axes aren’t that slow, nor are rapiers that deadly. Hand-axes which operate like boomerangs? Are you serious? Well, it might be magic, so I’ll let it go for now... but still, when Jeremy said that the bandit was weaponless while the axe was in motion, no, really? o.O [sarcasm] Either way, the more this story goes on, the more it looks like it was ripped from Fire Emblem.

Sorry, it seems like I wrote a lot after all. I like your ideas and I hope you'll take my words into consideration.

I think everything moves way to quickly - first punching, then suddenly in a fight, then suddenly in a hostage situation, all in one day. Kinda drag it out a bit, maybe show some charateristics of everyone in the beginning, instead of all this sudden action.
Otherwise, its a pretty good story. So far...
The character is a lot like u. :D

I like this story so far.
Yeah, the first chapter the character sounds like you.
Procrastination. :]