This is gonna be an amazing story keep working on it. :D
February 27th, 2010 at 07:17am
Before I begin my feedback, can I make a suggestion about the layout? Having it all squished up the side like that made it slightly difficult to read, so if your other readers are anything like me, they'll thank you a million times over for giving it a margin.
Now firstly, I get that you want us to have a clear picture of your characters, but I really don't think it's necessary to spell out their entire appearance with lists in the prologue. That might be all well and good for Quizilla, but on Mibba it typically doesn't go down well. So don't just tell us who your characters are- show us through description and gradual hints.
Secondly, the first chapter could do with a bit of formatting. Before I even read a word of this, I was put off by the amount of text there was there in just two chunks. Try splitting that up into some paragraphs. The '......................' was also a bit disruptive. Three dots is enough for anything.
There are also a few typos in this chapter that could easily be fixed to improve the polish. Try using the Mibba spell checker in the top left-hand corner before you post your work, otherwise you could lose your audience before you've even had time to hook them with a great story.
Don't despair however, because these things are all easy to fix, and when you do fix them, chances are you'll get many more readers.
Cheers,
-Aelf.