Fashionistas and Knockoffs - Comments

It told me not to post unless I had something important to say. But I do, so that's alright =]

I think you're an awesome author! It makes me feel inadequate =S
But I mean, the description is great. The six different points of view you expressed all work in their own way, and the common idea between them all, along with how they connected through the death of a friend was great.
I especially love the idea of perfection. Especially as it's so impossible to obtain...I find it intriguing.

Awesome job! <3

Holy.
Thank you. For FINALLY giving me some new origional material to read.
I almost gave up on this site.
This is the first origional story I've started reading in a LONG time.
And I'll be sure to continue reading it in the future.
It was very well done.

This is an extremely interesting fiction, writtened in an extremely unique way. Now, the method you used is a tricky one, which has helped and hurt you through this process. At some points the choppy narration can make the story seem more confusing then in intends to be, but most of the time, it flows almost like a faded song- you are drawn to the music and the mysterious, and how elegently it flows through your mind.

I liked how everything was connected by the final lines "perfect"; it was the running theme that tied in all four stories. These people and their lust for perfection- be it love, art, lack of perfection or peoples perfection. It was truly an interesting concept though I am confused as to where this is going. Is it going to be a series of stories from the point of view of new people everytime? Or is there going to be something that connects them all.

I am going to subscribe to this purely because I am interested in seeing how you go about this. Also, I love the dialogue- the poetic nature to it adds to the mystery, but it is simplistic enough that we understand how it fits into the story.

gah, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to read chapters 2 and 3!
I especially liked chapter 3, the way you described her pain was amazing, you literally could feel what she felt, I love that.
I also liked the way you described her cutting
"The first cut was love.

The second wound was rejection.

The Third stab was hate combined with the element of greed. No matter how far apart they may be.

The fourth was belief and faith."
It was great how you didn't go too much into it as to describe what was going on, rather, your description was perfect. (if that made any sense...)

In the second chapter I have to say that I love this line,
"Pretty flames drew themselves as I moved my brush in fluid motions along the lines previously sketched underneath the coats of paint."
for one reason or another I just love the way you described it.

I also have to ask, did she die? (or is that the mystery?)

My favourite was the first chapter. It was so beautiful; as were the others, but this one touched me the most.

I love how poetic it is. It was intentional which was good. The poetic atmosphere in this story is just all in all amazing; and such a joy to read.

"Simple kisses cannot say what my words can but I hope they're enough." The blond nineteen year old spoke with insecurity adorning his stuttered sentence, glancing down at me.

"On the contrary. A touch between lovesick lips can word out what a thousand books can't." His fingers shook as they intertwined within my loose fists.''

All these lines were some of the best in your story. I especially liked the part which I underlined. Authors here lack that kind of talent - to actually create the feeling of love - and to put it in a poetic way just adds to how great it was.

I really like poetry so this really captured my attention, and made me like it even more.

In the second chapter, I liked how you described the painting of the angel and the devil - it was beautiful! It's really different, this chapter, because it's such a true happening that happens to teenagers and people can relate.

It was really interesting to read. I'd just like to know where this is all going if they're not one-shots; that confused me - and that's the only crit I have for you.

Chapter One.
“His soft lips complimented mine with a kiss I've desired so long.”
Upon reading the very first sentence, I was immediately drawn into the story, which is a very admirable trait for a author to possess! The simple details were absolutely perfect, almost as though they were stitched and placed precisely in the story ^.^

"Simple kisses cannot say what my words can but I hope they're enough." As I read in the summary, you warned the readers about the deeply poetic language used in the story. However, I didn’t think that was necessary, seeing as the beautiful words are most refreshing! It’s great to see something other than “Oh my God, I love you too Gerard!!”

However, I did find a flaw a couple paragraphs down.
“Green eyes scanned deep blue as two bodies collided in a close embrace, their lips following their trail.” That sentence makes no sense to me. Until then, the story had been told n first person, and then it switches to a narrator, which is quite confusing.

“Love isn’t blind nor am I. Your thinking about him again, aren’t you?” That line really struck me. Andy’s gentle honestly hit’s a chord with the readers, as we begin to fully grasp the relationship troubles Tom has fought with in the past.

All in all, the opening chapter was very good, aside from the fact of the switched narrative, but that’s alright(:

Chapter Two.

“Pretty flames drew themselves as I moved my brush in fluid motions along the lines previously sketched underneath the coats of paint.” As much as I am in love with this sentence, I must say that maybe the word ‘pretty’ isn’t the right choice for a that sentence. Try a word that the mind usually correlates “flames” to. As in, “livid” or “angry”. Although, even if you didn’t change that, it would still be a great descriptive sentence.

“"But I am, dear friend."

"Kiss me." Said the Angel to the Devil her light blonde hair swaying, framing her beautifully pale face.

"Kisses between us shall parish boundaries between both worlds, merging sincerity with lies, dishonesty and betrayal in a world both good and evil are nemesis's. Which cannot happen." The Devil replies letting go of her hand, a sad smile sitting on his crimson lips.

"A kiss will set an end to all of this. All the suffering."

"Emz, are you even listening to me?" Joe's exasperated huffs interrupted the visualization of my portrait. Of the kiss that almost occurred.” That. Is. Amazing. The way you wrote Emily to be so completely engrossed in painting, that she doesn’t even realize that her friend is talking to her, is genius. Usually people would keep on writing what the friend would say, and add something like “and even though -insert name here- kept talking, I wasn’t listening. I was too focused on -insert activity here-” I liked how you kept the details muted, yet obvious.

The last sentence in the chapter was also a nice one.
“It had to be perfect.

The Angel had to be perfect.

The Devil had to be perfect.

Everything had to be ...

Just ... Perfect.”

Chapter Three

“The last drop of alcohol found its way down my gullet with such smoothness. Right after it the pills came, rushing their way in.” I have never heard the underlined expression before! It’s certainly proves my inferior writing skills >.<

This chapter, in it’s own, is practically indescribable. It is without a doubt my favorite piece, purely based on the brilliant narrative - as cynical as it is.

All in all, this story has a amass of potential, with few errors that can be fixed quite easily. I really am excited about this - it’s so different!
(Oh, and I apologize for my three page review. XD)

This story is perfect. =]

Interesting start, I must say. Interesting in the very best way possible.

The dialogue entices me, because it is so poetic. It makes me wonder what kind of people these kids are. The storyline doesn't seem very concrete at this point, but then again it's the first two chapters so there's no complaints there.

One thing that may or may not help you was that I felt like there was too much dialogue, and not enough description.

all in all, a good start to a fine story I'm sure.

I love the way you move words around, forming somehow a poetic prose. Loved the first two chapters and I'm honestly waiting for more.

I love how everything is very gradual--you don't throw everything out there at once. The angel and devil bit was very poetic, and makes you think, which you don't see very much in stories.
The desciption is amazing as well...with the two lovers in the first chapter, I could feel exactly what they felt. I could actually see it happening. The mood was very beautiful, too.
This is probably the best original fic on Mibba. Please update soon, can't wait for more.

Wow! That's all I can say. It's so beautiful and amazing. I've never read anything like this. It's different from all the other love stories that I've read. My favorite part was:

"Kiss me." Said the Angel to the her light hair swaying, framing her beautifully pale face.
"Kisses between us shall parish boundaries between both worlds, merging sincerity with lies, dishonesty and betrayal in a world both good and evil are nemesis's. Which cannot happen." The replies letting go of her hand, a sad smile sitting on his crimson lips.
"A kiss will set an end to all of this. All the suffering."

I felt like the Angel that you were telling me about. It's just a beautiful story and I can't wait for more soon.

:cheese: That was perfect.

It's interesting how as more characters come into picture the story becames more and more complex. I've also noticed that you've changed the story summary, so now we are starting to shape out the story, it's punch line and it's purpuse. Perfect love and now perfect art and perfect friendship. Just perfection.
Also it's wonderful how you can compare the angel from Emily's painting with Emily herself and the demon with Joseph. That made my mind thick, made me wonder if maybe there is more going on between them. Maybe things are not as perfect as they seem. Maybe the little demon wants to kiss and perver the perfect angel, even if it's wrong and it would ruin their perfection.

I could really talk a lot about perfection and about your story but I think I'll keep it for next chapter. Can't wait for your next update.

I was so excited when I saw you updated this =]
It's beautiful I can't wait to see where else you go with it.

this is such a good story
the dialogue is amazing

"Simple kisses cannot say what my words can but I hope they're enough." The blond nineteen year old spoke with insecurity adorning his stuttered sentence, glancing down at me.
The words are picture perfect, if you know what I mean. Right there you let the reader know so much about the character. I really do love the way you describe his actions.

"Tom, sweetheart are you alright?" Andy held my hand, worry throwing itself out of his eyes and upon my distant features.
This sort of confused me, is his name tom or andy, or am I just missing something? ;)

Crogan was still haunting me back, even though I was the one who broke away from that eventual ball and chain sequence.
I was the foot and he was the chain and ball. But it was slightly different than the expression you may have in mind.
If I tugged too hard, eventually we'll crash and I will break.
God that's perfect.

Almost.
and thats such an interesting way to end it. It really makes me want to continue reading...are you going to continue it? or it's a one shot...darn.
spelling and grammar were excellent as always :D

(I also really hope that this was better than my last review!)

This is real good
I love poetic dialogues
Love the way it keeps a good poetic sense though all the chapter I really like it please go on.
I really have no complains except that I wanna read more, because you keepa great rhythmn and because it is kind off catchy.
God what a lousy review but I really can't think of anything to critizize. I like the way you change the subject pronouns making it a full view text I like it.

comment swap

Wow. My fics just got pwned.

No.
A touch between lovesick lips can word out what a thousand books can't. is the best line ever.
What you've wrote is that exact touch between lovesick lips. It's a quiet conversation of two lovers, you can feel the love between them. You can feel as you read, their love being present, in the room as they talk. Although where they are isn't important, you don't talk about how they look like or where they're at, actually not even their names matter. They are two lovers, in love. They are the prototype of wonderful, warm, true romantic love.

Now about what I don't like. The 6th paragraph is weird. You change to ''their'' from ''my'' and ''mine'' and then to ''our'' and back to ''mine''. I find it really weird that you said ''their bodies''. It is like zooming out of the story, until that point you had a really personal story, in first person. You grew close to the character and then that phrase just makes you go back as a spectator, just watching the whole scene, while prior to that moment you were part of it. Does that make any sense ? I hope it does.
I'd also change ''will'' from He will never hurt me to ''would''. That way it would mean that he would never want to hurt him [Tom]. And it's just complicated to explain grammatically why that would suit -in my opinion at least- better.

Maybe you could have developed a bit more on the dialogue,make it a tinny bit longer. The chapter is sortof short. The ''Crogan'' deal confuses me however. I know you won't tell me but however I am entitled to ask ''who is this guy? if he's hurt Tom that deeply, and he still thinks about him, wasn't him some sort of boyfriend ? But wait Andy is Tom's first boyfriend.'' I want to see that sort out.

Okay I hope you got that overall I found the story beautiful and I will be reading and waiting to see how it will evolve. Feel free to pm me or anything if you feel like I've got thinks wrong, it happens.

p.s. I'm still looking at your layout and I still don't have a clue what that is. Looks like some sort of flowers, or maybe like tinny cells.
p.p.s. I'm not going to mention the fact that I'm so much in this story. I was like ''omg my username is in there'' then like ''omg my name is too''. teehee just weird coincidence I guess.

Woo.
Cool.

Andy patched it up with love and care. And I loved him for that.
My head rested on the older boy's chest as he held me.

^^ Favourite line. Please don't keep this a oneshot, it's truly beautiful.
So well written too. And it's so good to see something that isn't a fanfic, but [I think!] is still slash. So unappreciated, too. Not that I don't love fanfic slash [as long as no MCR is involved, but that's another rant], but... this is just amazing.

Please don't starve me of this, it's so lovely.
xoxo

This is really good. I felt like I was the person that you were talking about. I could see everything and feel everything. You included the reader in the story.