Away! - Comments

  • xBecomingxNumbx

    xBecomingxNumbx (100)

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    I thought this was a great short story! Your layout is beatiful (much better than I'll ever be able to make lol) and I also just noticed that their initials make up AWAY. I also liked how you used their names for each of the chapters, it was a great idea!

    I just want to point out a grammar error I saw, however.
    He let out a deep breath which rattled him more, instead of calmed him
    In the line above, instead of calmed him should be instead of calming him

    I like the way you write, it flows. Lol the person above me, that line has inspired me to try that as well :P This was a very cute story, I quite liked it :) Good job
    March 26th, 2011 at 05:48pm
  • pezzie

    pezzie (105)

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    Ah, I love the layout and summary. The summary gets to me, man. You have no clue. <3

    Chapter 1

    Ah, the pain of growing up. Damn his room is messy. xD

    Good chapter.

    Chapter 2

    Oh, I need to say something before I forget. I love the name of your characters! They're not uncommon names or anything, they're just names you don't hear all the time. Sweet idea. :3

    “Arggh, I wanna go!” she screamed into the tummy of her big, pink teddy bear. - Tummy sounds sorta weird in the sentence. I guess it makes sense because it's a teddy bear, but I think that stomach would be a lot more appropriate. :)

    Mental facepalm! That happens to me all the time. lmfao

    Her mom sounds like a bitch. -_-

    Chapter 3

    That's my mom's name. tehe Except she spells it Amy.

    What is table tennis? Ping - pong?

    Aww. Shaving sucks. D: Poor chick.

    Chapter 4

    Aww, crushes! lol

    Chapter 5

    Reunions!

    She copied his ridiculous position, her head lying on the passenger seat, bare legs hanging off out the window. - Lol. I have a sudden urge to try that position. (that's what she said xD) Really though.

    Woah? He got his girfriend pregnant!?

    I hope Aimee knows that armpit hair is completely natural. xD

    Aww, this was a really sweet ending. :)
    --

    Overall, this was a pretty cute story. I like that it was in all their different POVS up until the last chapter. Great job! :D
    July 24th, 2010 at 05:11am
  • Cobain.

    Cobain. (100)

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    Definitely like it. (:
    June 8th, 2010 at 02:20am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Story Review Game.
    I'm sorry if this review ends up not being that great, I'm rushing. >.<
    If you'd like a better one later just PM me. XD

    Last chapter.
    I'm not very fond of the AWAY as a chapter title, but then I guess it's your choice. Just my opinion.

    as Aimee played the Urbandub CD in the Is Urbandub a band? Or a genre? Because I could've sworn the genre was spelled urban dub.

    his beautiful future fiancee and future fiancée -- just so you can have the accent to post in your story.

    player, and Andrei went as fast as he could. player and Andrei...

    I stated my feelings of this in the above comment. But I do like it. I do have to say that it could have better flow, and some more description. As well, you could vary your vocabulary also. But I like it a lot, so yes. :)
    June 6th, 2010 at 05:48pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    *falls in love*
    I looooooove.
    I'm starting to get really bad at commenting stories, because I don't know what to say anymore.
    The talent on here is getting very good, and I'm slightly astonished by it.
    Great job.
    June 6th, 2010 at 05:17pm
  • suddenlyobscure

    suddenlyobscure (100)

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    First off thank you for commenting on my journal and story. (I changed the story title to 'One Mind Inside Another.) I have just been experimenting with that. But thank you for pointing out what you really thought.
    This is a wonderful, heartwarming story. Honestly, I think this story has so much depth to it.
    Thank you for telling me to read this :)
    June 6th, 2010 at 09:35am
  • alexander bernadotte

    alexander bernadotte (125)

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    This is extremely interesting! I actually didn't notice that the character's initials make up A.W.A.Y until florence pointed it out x]
    Awesome story, overall! <3
    May 16th, 2010 at 03:17am
  • florence

    florence (1000)

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    Is it just me or have I seen this story on here before, as in an older one you wrote? I don't know, but I'm guessing you have made a new and improved version of it or something, haha.
    And I love the layout!
    I also love how each characters' names' initials make up the A.W.A.Y. thing. Preeetty clever.
    I ALSO loved the part where she forgot to shave. Mostly because I could easily see that happening to me. XD
    Actually... I take that back. It HAS happened to me. Except I wasn't cheerleading, just swimming. That brings back memories, lol.
    But awesome story!
    =]
    April 9th, 2010 at 04:26am
  • schmickles.

    schmickles. (100)

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    Wow, poor Aimee.
    I hope her competition goes well though.
    Love it!
    April 5th, 2010 at 05:06pm
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

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    First off, layout is amazing. Just wanted to touch up on that.

    I rather enjoyed this piece to be honest.

    “Aimee was [practically] inside her closet already, and it was not a walk-in closet.”

    Practically doesn’t seem to fit here. Maybe you could steal the already from the end and replace it?

    “It was not at all cold outside, and she did not have injured arms, but she felt like she needed the long sleeves to feel secure.”

    I liked this line because it shows more depth on your character Aimee, who most likely from this piece of information isn’t very confident, whether she admits it out loud or not.

    “This may sound strange, but sometimes her mind had a mind of its own.”

    I really adored this line; it sounds strangely Alice In Wonderland-esque, which I really like.

    “The dormitory had many [activities], and one of the biggest was the sports-fest near the end of the year.”

    I think you should replace activities with something else, mainly because you use it twice in the other sentence, and you should avoid repeating words constantly.

    I’m really keen on the paragraph when she talks about Nina and continuously refers her as “the enemy”, mostly because she’s in college and girls tend to think like that a lot. This makes her character more real.

    “She forgot to shave.”

    This part made me smile.

    “…removing the stupid images.”

    Maybe you should add “from her mind”, or something along those lines.

    All in all this was a great writing piece, it delves into the mind of a college girl quite well and her troubles and all. Wonderful job.
    April 5th, 2010 at 03:50pm
  • roux.

    roux. (105)

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    You have really good flow to your story. Its hard to find writers this good on Mibba. Keep writing! You're amazing!
    April 3rd, 2010 at 12:04pm
  • phantomatthewindow

    phantomatthewindow (100)

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    Read both the chapters, like it so far. The girl's mother pisses me off, but I'm guessing you meant it that way XD
    and I friggen love the signature of the guy above me
    April 3rd, 2010 at 07:29am
  • swell

    swell (150)

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    First of all, I just want to say that I <3 the layout and the banner and the title. All very creative.

    I like the beginning; how the readers are able to have an insight to Andrei's thoughts.

    Andrei saw an irresponsible teenager's room.

    “I need to grow up,” he sighed.

    This made me smile. I liked the way you introduced the dialogue, instead of it coming out forced.

    You mention the word cell phone, which is two words, not one.

    The mess was too much for him after knowing that he was already in a bigger mess.
    I had to read over the chapter again before picking this metaphor up. It's making me wonder what the hell is going on, but in a good way :)

    ... because he forgot everything when his girlfriend visited and gave him the news. Is the girlfriend pregnant? I'm intruiged.

    CHAPTER TWO:
    'Do you not?' Seriously, who says that? This made me laugh. I love the humour Williana has. Speaking of, I love the names you've made up. They're definitely not something I've heard before.

    I love how the mother is so predictable. There's something refreshing about it, for some reason.

    Her heart leaped when she saw the message. It was from Yel again. “Hey u going? Im outsyd ur house :)” This was my favourite comment in this chapter. Yel is officially my new favourite character.

    This story is definitely not a cliche original story, which is why I'm beginning to love it.
    You've just gotten a serial commenter and reader. :D
    April 2nd, 2010 at 10:15am
  • schmickles.

    schmickles. (100)

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    I like this so far.
    Update soon?
    Can't wait!
    April 1st, 2010 at 08:55pm
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Chapter One:
    Interesting way to start the chapter. I liked how you brought us into the scene without making it overly dramatic. Letting us see into his thoughts was nice, especially since it leaves us wondering why he's so frustrated.

    He let out a deep breath which rattled him more instead of calmed him.
    There should be a comma after the word "more." Just a grammar rule you use before the word "instead."

    OK, so I understood what you meant when you said he was pacing, but this is a run-on sentence.
    He continued walking around his room, from one side table, around the bed, then to the other side table, faced the opposite direction, and walked back to the first side table, again and again.
    It could have easily ended after he got to the second table. Period. Then you could say he started again in the opposite direction. Say it was methodical or something instead of repeating every move he made in the opposite direction.

    Instead of writing what was in the parenthesis, you could say that the "bottommost partition had his school books while....."
    That's just my opinion though.

    Not sure why, but these were my favorite lines:
    Andrei saw an irresponsible teenager's room.

    “I need to grow up,” he sighed.


    When I saw this sentence, I started laughing. Now that's a lot of stuff to keep under the blanket lol
    He pulled the dark blue blanket off his bed to fold it properly and revealed an iPod, an old cellphone, a new cellphone, a PSP, all of their respective chargers, and three sets of earphones (two of which are broken).

    This line was cute:
    He was about to pick up a shirt from the floor to put it on and go for the night but remembered that he was going to grow up already.
    I like how he actually is going through what he said he would and is actually trying to grow up =]

    Wow, pretty powerful ending. I enjoyed reading this piece it was very interesting. Didn't give away everything that was going on, but gave enough that it left me wanting more lol. Great job writing this, and good luck with it =]
    March 30th, 2010 at 09:32pm