Put Love on Hold - Comments

Oh my fucking god! I demand more!

No, don't worry, I'm only kidding. I hate it when people don't really know when to stop T_T

And that was amazing. Though I knew it would be cause you wrote it.
Umm, I don't have much else to say or any constructive criticism like some people (cough~ person above ~cough). Nope, I just leave random, wierd comment stating my opinion and often containing profanites :) That's a pretty accurate description of my behaviour too, actually.

Story Review Game.
but Ryan knows that Brendon won't believe him anyways.
Quick thing here: Anyways isn’t actually, technically, a word. Anyway, is, but anyways is not. You can leave it like that if you’d like, because some published authors leave it as so, but it’s not a word, haha. :3 Just pointing that out!

Though when I wasn’t with him, my chest—my heart ached. When he wasn’t around he was on my mind constantly. Though I couldn’t get him out of my head even when he was around.
You use “though” twice in a matter of three sentences.
I’d use something more… sophisticated, with the point you’re trying to establish. The word “though” seems really inelegant used here. :3

while my eyes were unfocused and looking straight above me.
This seems awkward to me, with the “looking straight above me” part. I’d use something like, “looking at the ceiling above me” or “looking straight ahead”. Something like that. (:

Tonight was our last night together. In a few hours we would be getting up and I’d bring Ryan to the airport.
Tonight is present tense, so use something like It or that night. And use “take” instead of bring, because bring makes it sound like Brendon is already at the airport.

. He was going to New York to work on bigger and better things while I stayed here in Nevada doing—doing something.
Take out the here. You’re using a lot of words that mix up your tenses. Proofread and check for that, because I’m going to quit pointing ‘em out.

And then I noticed the smell of bacon that was consuming the air around me.
You really want to avoid starting a sentence with And, unless you’re trying to be poetic or something. And bacon isn’t necessarily poetic.

He knew this is where they were going to say good bye.
“this” is present tense.
And goodbye is one word.

“I love you, Bren,” Ryan said quietly. Brendon’s eyes looked away from Ryan’s quickly, staring at something in the distance. “Please look at me. Please, Brendon.”
This was the first part, in my opinion, that you really established any characterization throughout the whole story. There’s emotion there that is deeper than just the words, in the way that you describe it.
Plus, the begging is a really good bonus added on. :3

I feel like the storyline was pretty good, even though you didn’t add anything to let the readers get really into Bren and Ryan’s minds until the very last part, which was slightly disappointing.
Your grammar is good for the most part, just go through and pick out the present tense words and replace them. (:

This was so cute :3
It was sad.

Pretty much everyone else has said on here.
Not much more I can say.

I really liked the layout you chose. I know that has nothing to do with the writing, but it was simplistic and didn't take your attention away from the story.

You can tell right away how Brendon feels about Ryan, and that sets the story up nicely. These two sentances could be combined with a comma:
"When he wasn’t around he was on my mind constantly. Though I couldn’t get him out of my head even when he was around."
just so it might flow better.

I like the description about Brendon not being able to sleep and Ryan being able to. It shows a lot about how Brendon feels, and it was written quite nicely. The second part starts out nicely and sets up the scene well. A few sentances felt a little awkwardly worded, such as:
"I just wish that he knew how fucking worried that I was about him.", & "...noticed Brendon’s absence from our bed. And then I noticed the smell of bacon that was consuming the air around me.

It ended slightly awkwardly, on that note of "I went to get my bags.", but it was a nice part and really showed the tension between them.

Oh, the last part was my favorite. It was packed with emotion. The whole last half of it was just really powerful. I especially liked this line:
"Ryan knew that there was no convincing Brendon and Ryan could feel his eyes start to sting with tears that were beginning to form."
There was just so much emotion packed into it. That was a lovely ending line, very chilling and it showed so much of what had just happened in so few words. Absolutely wonderful.

Story/Review Game;

I thought the summary was okay. I liked the two perspectives of Brendon and Ryan.

"I knew that in only a matter of time, Ryan wouldn’t be here. Then the ache would return."- The love they had was very evident, but it seemed cliche it many ways. There wasn't anything original or different about their love. But I really liked the part about Brendon second guessing his love or Ryan's love for one another. It was sad, it seemed like doubt was taking over in his thoughts, which got rid of the good ones.

I wished there were more description though. I felt you told more than you showed. The beginning of the second chapter started kind of slow for me. It was hard to get into it. It was like reading a text book instead of a story almost.

"I just wish that he knew how fucking worried that I was about him."- I understood what you meant here, but it's too wordy, and doesn't flow well.

"Brendon had thought of trying to try some small talk or something so that it wouldn’t be so quiet, but he knew that Ryan would see through his façade."- I liked this, but trying and try are to close, maybe you could use another word to replace or just rephrase the sentence to make it sound better.

I like the last chapter the most, because after reading this, I felt there was still something left unanswered about Brendon and Ryan, and I liked that about it. I'm not sure, but did Brendon and Ryan have sex before Brendon was leaving for good? But, now I clearly understand the title of the story, and it makes beautiful sense. Towards the end, the dialogue I thought lacked a sense of emotion between them. It was sad, but I couldn't feel a connection. I did like this three shot though.

Keep writing ;]

That was magnificent, really. When I got to chapter 3, I was thinking, Oh yay! Brendon's going to believe him! Then he didn't, and I cried. :-[ I really like how it wasn't predictable; it caught me off guard and helped in my bursting into tears XD Also, like astronaut said, you really do have their personalities down and it's cool to see a switch in the dominant role of the relationship.
Excellent job :-]]

This was so cute. Well, sad but cute.
In most Rydens that I have read, it's alsways Ryan that is the weaker and doubtful one. It was nice to see that characterization flipped.
I really think you had thier personalities down really well. :)

aww.... i loved it!