This was so sad but so beautiful at the same time. Great job <3
September 24th, 2011 at 11:08pm
CHAPTER 1:
Alright, immediately I'm hooked. Just from the first paragraph I was addicted to this already. I love how his actions lead to, like, a personality or even a trait of his. Especially these two sentences:
His lips pushed themselves against each other, both the upper and lower fighting against a greater power that lie behind them.
That line shows me how he's someone who has a lot to say, and I know I already told you that, but I'm going to say it again. It shows me how he speaks his mind, in a way.
This other line:
I think it helped to remind him that he had something to work for, a reason to get better.
It shows me that he reminds himself constantly that he's married to this girl, he's going to get better for this girl, and by twirling the ring around his finger he's constantly telling himself that he needs to get better, because he wants this marriage to work.
As the rest of the chapter progress, you're leaving me wanting more. You leave me going: What's the reason behind all this anger? Yes, he has a disorder, and he's an angry little soul, but what's making him act like this? The stress from work? Problems at home?
And this poor girl, I feel her, like, I really do. She feels so hopeless, because here she sees her husband suffering from this, and she doesn't know what to do about it. She wants to help so bad, but she just can't... either because she doesn't know how, or because he probably doesn't let her.
This line: There was nothing more I could do for him at that moment.
It kinda makes me think. It makes me think that it's happened before, obviously, and once it reaches the point where he's out of her sight, she feels even more hopeless. But, idk.. there's something else. Knowing you, you have some twist later on xD Amazing chapter.
CHAPTER 2:
Okay, immediately I sense a damn fight coming. Zack has this disorder and I know he gets easily irritated.
“No, dude. I don’t like it. There’s something about it that just, like…I don’t know. I’m just not getting that feeling.” Matt leaned back in his seat, one leg crossed over another.
I think it's the fuel to the fire. XD
I watched Zack carefully, studying his every movement. He seemed to be okay for a few moments, but then the tapping started. Then he put down the guitar in favor of fiddling with his wedding ring.
I love how you give him a signature thing to do when he's starting to get angry. The tapping: it's almost like a ticking of a clock. Tick, tick, tick, boom and he fuckin' explodes. The fiddling of the ring too, all of it. And I love how you gave him that. It reminds me of what you told me on aim about character traits and stuff.
“So, no one here thinks it’s good?” he asked, his eyes roaming the room, watching for someone to object. Hmm, the word watching... I would've replaced it with waiting. To me it doesn't seem right to put watching, or maybe I'm just, like, stupid and think nothing makes sense xD But, that's just a consideration.
This line: I knew better, though. There was no talking your way out of it. Silence did more good.
God, that held a lot. Again, I sense that this has happened before, or something similar to it. Zack wants people to agree with him, unless they want hell to unleash. But, if they disagreed with whatever he said, they couldn't do anything to defend themselves, because they've already... “damaged” it. Get me? D: And just by staying silent, they wouldn't get as much... anger from him. Hahaha.
Maybe he could have looked at me and thoughtI can do this. But he didn’t. He did look, though, and I saw that him in that split second, I saw him.
xD I don't think that makes sense.
Ohhhhh I'm in love with this line: And it was all gone just a split second later, when he launched himself out of his seat and barreled into Matt, fists blazing.
When he looked into her eyes, it was like hers held peace. It helped him hold in that anger for a split-second, but once she broke the connection they shared, it was like his mind was reset, and it was back into “anger mode” and so he attacked precious Matt xD
Sometimes it failed, though. Sometimes it failed, and I didn’t know how to keep that from happening.
It kinda put me off when you repeated it twice. The whole “Sometimes it failed.” Maybe take off that second “sometimes it failed” and just add it on to the first sentence?
Okay, maybe I'm some weird... psycho or something, but the whole One, two... three, four. I feel like by the end of the story.. it doesn't work; the whole process, I mean. And when it's like “Nine, Ten.” It has gotten worse, his condition, and it's back to the beginning for them. Like some damn cycle.
I thought about it for a moment, then smiled. “Yeah, thanks, Johnny.”
Oh, Johnny <33 -out of professional-ism-
AHAHA. Very cute ending: “Does it make you feel good to know that you finally have to lean down to hug someone?” Love that. But it makes me wonder, and idk if I'm just over-thinking this. But... she's looking down at her legs, and Johnny leans down to hug her 1) she can't be that short. So wtheck? Is she on some wheelchair? She's sitting, like, all the time? And then in the first chapter, looking down at her legs... she's hopeless because she can't use her legs? O____O
CHAPTER 3.
Oh, jesus, Johnny-cuddly-wuddly time. I think it's cute though. They sorta had a chance to be together, at least to me they did. But, from this line: It was for that reason that we could never have been together. The whole.. they were practically the exact same soul kinda told me that because they were like that.. she'd just find it weird, you know? Again, this is just what I see and think.
Oh, how I envied him. I had a life like that, once. God, she's starting to think of her life before Zack. I think everyone who's going through something like that would, though.
She shouldn't be blaming herself! Oh, god, no she shouldn't be doing that. && WOAH, kiss Johnny? D: But.. she's with Zack O__O Hahaha. But damn, It seemed like we hugged for ages. Does that mean they kissed some more?
Oh my god, I love, love, loooooooooooove the part where he's tickling her and stuff. And just like that, in a fucking snap, she says something to change his mood. She cuts the “rope of anger” that's in him, and that's when hell begins. And yes, I'm pretty convinced she's friggin' paralyzed: I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Hello, completely incapable of using my legs at the moment.”
OKAY, YES, I WAS RIGHT. X23456 KUDO POINTS FOR MEEE.
CHAPTER 4
What does Zack think he's doing!? Oh my god. He hurt her. Jesus Johnny Christ, it's getting out of hand! DDD:
CHAPTER 5
Once I’m in, he comes over and pecks my lips lightly. I see apology in his eyes, as it always is. So... he's done this before? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Is his anger the reason that she's in a wheelchair? Like, did he do something to hurt her so bad she can't use her legs?
The ending was perfect, seriously. Like I said, it's back to the beginning again!
Nine, ten.
Now it starts again. you do realize that rhymes.. right? XD
So, overall, you showed this disorder perfectly. It says to be caused by stress, or even things people say/do. You got it all, hands down. The whole “counting” idea was really good. And what I loved was that you gave her a physical trait that... literally stops her from even helping. When in most stories it'll be like the girl is perfectly healthy, and she's fiiiine, but she just doesnt do anything. You get me?
And it makes me think.. where's Brian and Jimmy!? Hahaha.
Noooow, I can freak out on AIM :D