Rapture - Comments

Firstly, let me say that I loved the layout. It suited the story so perfectly.

I was drawn in right from the first sentence, and I stayed there throughout. Your description style is concise and you create a vivid picture in very few words.

Your use of adjectives and adverbs is very original- I particularly love He reached forward, pulling closer towards the girl’s face, their lips barely touching. “Not yet,” he whispered to himself, pulling away hastily. He had to stay calm; he had to maintain a distance between him and the sleeping beauty. He had to succeed and make her eternally beautiful.

It's beautiful

This was great. Easy to read, simple sentances [but not poorly writen] and it kept my attention the entire time. I was surprised with the way the story turned out - like someone above said it sounded like it would be a love story. Very dark, twisted and highly interesting. Well done, not to mention I loved the layout you made - not so distracting, I liked the picture and your take on it as well.

Wow.
I love everything about this piece. You couldn't have done any better. The wording, the plot, the idea, all of it just blew my mind.
You honestly had a hard picture, yet your entry was perfect!

At first I thought of a love story or something; then you completely blew me off with the outcome. It's so beautifully described and the emotions contrast perfectly with such a morbid situation.

It's just wonderful.

Wow.

Definitely something I was expecting with the morbidness, but it's brilliant. You are one brilliant writer Chan.

I love how in the middle you end up with a flashback and it seems to affect him.

And how in his own twisted way he's doing this.

I love it Chan. :D

Sweetheart, you're so wonderfully dark and twisted.

story:

The way her lips were frozen into a perplexing smile, the way his fingers would brush against her cold skin, gaining no reaction from her. The boy leaned over, his warm lips hovering above her perfect ones, longing for her touch. He wanted her, forever, just like the smile that will forever be imprinted on her face – because of him.

Inhaling her stale scent, the boy gently picked up her figure, enjoying the sensation of her cold skin against his. He could hear his own heart beat, a distant sound that reminded him of his existence. He wanted to vanish, to fly away with her, to forever be her guardian. He placed an end to her pain, he had mended her broken heart; he was her savior. Looking up, he settled down the girl, his eyes never leaving hers.

Sets the setting wonderfully. The first sentence draws you in, and your words are absolutely vivid and beautiful. This bit (and well, the whole damn story) sounds as if it was written by a published author.

story:

i]“H-hi, I’m Ellen. What’s your name?” He grimaced at the thought, he did not want to recall the past Ellen, he wanted to think about this Ellen; the Ellen he held in his grasp. He kneeled down besides her, dust littering the ground. He had no time to fight off dust; he had more important things to do. Uncapping the bottle, the boy poured oil on Ellen’s motionless face. He was snared in her beauty, momentarily forgetting he was alive. His heart was beating faster, his head was spinning, and his lips quivered with desire.

Sent shivers down my spine. It's chilling and intriguing- makes you wonder what the hell this guy is planning on doing.

story:

Standing up, the boy rushed towards a makeup kit, his hands trembling with delight. This was his favorite part. Returning to the still figure, he started to meticulously apply makeup on the beauty’s face, making sure everything was perfect. His breath hitched behind his throat, almost unable to control his glee. What were once blue lips turned into red, vibrant, lips. He cautiously combed her hair, making sure he didn’t tug hard at the heavenly silk. His eyes never left her flawless face, his hands never left her still figure, and his mind never forgot her dazzling beauty. He was in heaven, for a short amount of time, but still in heaven.

Thinking about their odd encounter, he settled by her side, slowly tracing circles on her skin. They met in the supermarket, the makeup aisle, to be exact. He was searching for more lipstick. It was then he saw her magnificent face, with luxurious midnight-black hair trailing behind her graceful figure. He was unable to look away, perplexed with her sublime being.

If you hadn't realized Ellen was dead already, you sure as heck realized it now. I could imagine this in my mind, as clear as if I was watching it on a movie screen. I love how he finds Ellen to be absolutely beautiful to him in his rather twisted way, and also how you wonder if there's about to be a little necrophilia in here. It's dark and sickening and you can't look away from the screen at this point.

And then, you have -what I'm assuming is a flashback- right in the middle of it. The timing is perfect- it's sudden, but it ties in well with the story and shows that, though Ellen probably had figured he was dangerous, still went with him to wherever he was to take her.

story:

Placing a hand on her lips, he silenced her. She suddenly transformed into an obedient puppy, following every order he instructed.

After leading her away from peering eyes, he attacked.

Now, here he was, petting her soft, luxurious hair. An almost inexistent sigh escaped his parted lips, it was a shame she would never be able to utter a word. This was the price she had to pay for eternal beauty, something only he was able to grant her.

I'm in love with this. Absolutely fucking in love with it.

story:

Kneeling down, he gently picked up her body, making sure she was cradled with love. Exiting the shabby shack, he walked down the forest’s used trail, taking his sweet time at doing so. Finally, he reached his destination. Contempt flooded his unmoving form. He walked over to an abandoned shopping cart, proud with his spontaneous idea.

This was it.

Carefully placing her within the shopping cart, he gently moved her around, making sure she looked like a living goddess. Sweat drops accumulated behind his strained neck, but he was pleased with the outcome.

Taking two steps back, he turned around and took the picture. Eternal beauty at its best.

Shabby shack. Alliteration wins at life. How delicately he handles this situation is amazing; it seems to me that, though he seems to at least sort of know what he's doing it wrong, he's too obsessed and into it to even dream of stopping even though it seemed to be a spur of the moment thought. How he takes the picture at the end just made me ~flail. Perfect closing line.

Overall, to be completely honest your writing style not only is impeccable, but your voice seems to show through subconsciously. Your writing tugged on someone's(my) emotions, playing with them and wrapping them around your finger until the very last period. It didn't leave you hungry for more on this story (though it does leave one hungry to read more of your work!) which was good since it was a oneshot, but it kind of shows that even writing a nice, short story can be dark and interesting, better then some of the work I've read anywhere.

Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. If I had a favorite button, it would have been clicked already.