summary “Her name [is] Lillith Anne Summers. She [was] my confidant, my colleague, the person I trusted more than anyone else. Most importantly, she [is] my best friend.” - stick to just one tense
hit & runs! - was this intentional? It sounds a little strange to me. Maybe it should be “hit & run!” or “hits & runs!” instead
“Course log entry #34” - the transition here from narration to whatever this is is not smooth, like it's a little confusing. What is this course log thing? Is it a journal?
“They just stared [a t] me and I stared back.” - there's a space when there shouldn't be
“"We never heard of where you came from until you got here," pointed out the other guy.” - who was he talking to here? clarify
“The girl, Lillith, was making breakfast while [they] guys, Dakota and Gavin, sat waiting by the island.” - “the”
“About a month before prom, me and her were eating lunch. Laughing, talking, being girls.” - this should just be one sentence
“Her wavy brunette hair bounced [as] jumped up and down, pumping her fists in the air.” - “and”
“They looked each other in the eyes and together, [they brought Hayley] back home.” - aren't there only two of them? Just Lillith and Hayley?
“Both of the young entrepreneurs had been diagnosed with bipolarness [ahaha].” - What's with the sudden informalness? It's very distracting and sticks out like a sore thumb.
I think this is an okay idea for a story. I just felt like the end wasn't built up too well. The setting should have been described before they died because they could be anywhere. I imagined that they were fighting indoors, not in a car, so when that other car came, I was more confused than worried, and you want your readers to be worried for the characters. So, the end is what needs the most work.
April 5th, 2010 at 07:11am
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summary
“Her name [is] Lillith Anne Summers. She [was] my confidant, my colleague, the person I trusted more than anyone else. Most importantly, she [is] my best friend.”
- stick to just one tense
hit & runs!
- was this intentional? It sounds a little strange to me. Maybe it should be “hit & run!” or “hits & runs!” instead
“Course log entry #34”
- the transition here from narration to whatever this is is not smooth, like it's a little confusing. What is this course log thing? Is it a journal?
“They just stared [a t] me and I stared back.”
- there's a space when there shouldn't be
“"We never heard of where you came from until you got here," pointed out the other guy.”
- who was he talking to here? clarify
“The girl, Lillith, was making breakfast while [they] guys, Dakota and Gavin, sat waiting by the island.”
- “the”
“About a month before prom, me and her were eating lunch. Laughing, talking, being girls.”
- this should just be one sentence
“Her wavy brunette hair bounced [as] jumped up and down, pumping her fists in the air.”
- “and”
“They looked each other in the eyes and together, [they brought Hayley] back home.”
- aren't there only two of them? Just Lillith and Hayley?
“Both of the young entrepreneurs had been diagnosed with bipolarness [ahaha].”
- What's with the sudden informalness? It's very distracting and sticks out like a sore thumb.
I think this is an okay idea for a story. I just felt like the end wasn't built up too well. The setting should have been described before they died because they could be anywhere. I imagined that they were fighting indoors, not in a car, so when that other car came, I was more confused than worried, and you want your readers to be worried for the characters. So, the end is what needs the most work.