Darlene's Fairytale - Comments

I'm sorry I didn't comment sooner! But anyhow, this was really good! I wasn't expecting the ending to be like that, and it was very sad to read. I loved the vivid imagination and emotion that went into this, and I think it was a great little twist to put everything together with. I felt bad for the dog. Yikes!

This layout was so freakin' gorgeous! I have a thing for fairy tales haha! Great job! <3

I love this so much. I am just a sucker for anything to do with fairy tales. lol I dont know why i just love the idea. This was well written and it kept me interested the whole time which you should take as a huge win for your writing. Also i love your background and how well it fit your story. Haha I used one of the pictures in a story that i wrote lol. Its called the story with no ending lol. Its wayyy different from the one you wrote which i think is cool. That we used the same picture but the our stories are so differnt lol

^^ Oh if only edits were possible here. No grammatical errors. Americans have different ways of spelling words, like colour. (:

I really like the layout, although I'm not a fan of the girlish colours. It had a nice colour scheme, and the banner was very fitting. It made a connection with the text, which is always good.

Once upon a happy ending, a story started. Darlene's story. It began with a faint spark in her thoroughly pink bedroom, so faint that it was hardly noticed by her mother, who unknowingly was the one who fueled it and gave it its first wisp of life. - brilliant beginning. You used the cliche opening sentence in a somewhat creative manner and it didn't seem so relentless, like most fairytales.

It was now actually an actual castle. - Actually an actual castle? Watch out for repeats in sentences.

She did an about-face - Is this a new descriptions?

Overall, it was very beautiful. I think you could have maybe thought of the sentence structure a bit more thoroughly, as some seemed a bit blunt and unfinished, while others rattled on a bit. Watch out for the occasional grammatical error, but as I said, it was a very good piece of work.

It was very very creative, and I did enjoy it. I liked how you wrote it 3rd person, but also just your writing style.

I would also try to elaborate on the descriptions, although they are very good already, it would be nice if you could make the reader fall into the story, not listen to it.

Great work!

Story Review Game

First off, don't use so much "to be"! I see "was" everywhere! :(

chocolate-colored hair -- I love this; it goes with the whole "sweet and innocent" thing.

brushed some dust off with his hand and it stopped at a book. It was a story book that he gave his daughter for her birthday about two months ago, hoping to give her the same passion for books that he had. -- I feel like you could merge these two together.

was the one reading because her voice was like a lure, a shiny lure to a young fish named Darlene. -- Consider replacing "because" with a semi-colon; the flow would be better.

The happy ending. -- You already put "happily ever after"; this seems repetitive.

It settled in her heart before she fell asleep that night and dreamt of magic, princes and princesses, and especially castles. -- My childhood is coming back to me! :]

There were full-grown Narras, Molaves, Ipils and Acacias, magnificent trees, situated near the roads that they made a canopy and people without their own cars could walk without having the harsh sun pound on them. -- "There were full-grown Narras, Molaves, Ipils and Acacias, magnificent trees, situated near the roads that made a canopy for pedestrians who could walk without having the harsh sun pound on them"

They passed by some houses that had nothing remarkable about them. -- Show, don't tell; you do that in the next part, so this sentence seems unnecessary.

There were even some streets where all the houses looked exactly the same except for the colors. -- "Some streets were covered with cookie-cutter houses with varying colors."

It was painted a very light gray with some green accents, and took the form of a thin rook in a chess set. -- "It was painted silver with green undertones..."

It was not beautiful at all, and looked like a cheap and ridiculous partial castle imitation. -- Omit "was not beautiful at all"--show it to us!

It was comical and almost hideous. -- Omit for repetition.

...the dark, rusty metal wires -- Omit "metal" -- if it rusts, it must be made of metal!

She could see herself in there, in the building, in a grand princess dress, just owning the castle. -- Omit "just".

No more baby fat, but she never did lose the innocence in her eyes. -- Omit "no more baby fat"; if she became slender, we can assume that. Change "did lose" to "lost".

Between the lashes, her eyes were unfocused, distant. -- Good!

They never really looked at anything. That was, unless they were looking at The Rook. -- "They never looked at anything, unless they were looking at The Rook."

The physical beauty of her eyes accompanied by the beauty of its intense stare was enough to make people, for want of a better word, want her. -- Isn't it "for lack of a better word"? That way you don't have "want" back-to-back.

He defecated and urinated everywhere, chewed up everyone's footwear and everything else he could get his little mouth on, so he was named Chewy. -- Sounds like the sort of puppy I want! XD

It was the book. You could probably just put "the book".

That book that she cuddled in place of a teddy bear. -- Change "that" to "the" in order to go with the parallel structure built around it.

All the screaming attracted the attention of the rest of Darlene's family, even Chacha. It was after dark and a weekday so everybody was already at home. -- You could probably merge these together and be specific...like "it was Wednesday night and everyone was home" or something.

...her disappointed looking parents -- Awkward.

...and almost fell through because it swung open -- Change "because" to "when".

She walked up the barely visible path and into the door -- It sounds like she walked into the door...like hit her face against it.

It was now actually an actual castle. -- Show, don't tell! What does the castle look like? What colors is it? Is there a mote?

She missed her family even if she went away feeling like nobody wanted her. -- Aww :(

She did an about-face -- What?

Her hair and dress came out rumpled and had bits of leaves and stems in them, but she had a wavering smile on her face. -- This is great...but why is she still smiling?

She brought her knees up to her heaving chest and just stayed like that. -- The end of this sentence is awkward.

She thought to herself, this is how I end. -- "This is how I end, she thought." If she's thinking it, it should be to herself, right?

Overall, this was phenomenal! Very creative and well written! Fantastic job!

Story Review Game

Overall, I really enjoyed that character of Darlene. I thought that she was a magnificent dreamer and was a splendidly original character, totally one in a million. But I also think you could have gone more into detail about her. While you did discuss her a lot, I think there were a few stones you'd left unturned. I find it difficult to specifically place what you could discuss, but I think a little more insight into her mind would be pleasing.

The details into Darlene's life and those around her were incredible. I thought that you thoroughly discussed everything from the relationship between her and her father (in giving her the story book) from the relationship between her ahd Chewy (in him being a little terror). Maybe you could discuss the relationship between her and her brother Darius?

I also really liked the layout, I thought it was pretty.

The ending seemed very much like a fairy tale. Like the user above said, a little like Alice in Wonderland, somewhat trippy and surrealistic. But in a very good and creative way.

Finally, I didn't see any grammatical errors in your writing, from what I saw. So it's all good. Overall, I think this was a very good story, especially for your first draft. I actually can't wait to see what might come up for the next incarnation.

Story Review Game

I really liked your layout. It was easy to read the story on and the background was very beautiful, it portrayed the fairytale aspect of your story well. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that you didn't have a summery to let people know anything about your story. When I see no summery in a story it usually makes me turn around so I would think of at least putting a little something there to attract the attention of readers.

Your story was very beautifully written. It was well worded and you used just enough descriptive words to paint a picture to the readers without usuing so many that flooded us. My favorite line in the entire story would have to be ”In the process of growing up, Darlene transformed into someone taller and more slender. No more baby fat, but she never did lose the innocence in her eyes.” I found that part very interesting because you just put it out there, telling the readers that she was still the same on the inside no matter how much she changed on the outside.

I found the ending very Alice in Wonderland, if you know what I mean. Kinda... trippy? I guess thats the word I'm looking for. Its just that once I was finished reading the story thats what I thought automatically about the ending. Its not a bad thing, I just thought I'd point out that, that was my thoughts on the specific part.

I find it interesting that the one thing she loved the most turned against her. Her fairytales became the enemy in the end and when she had her family and life she wanted to live in her fairytales instead of having a life, but once she was in her fairytale it wasn't what she expected out of it.

I liked Darlene's character overall. I loved the fact that she was a dreamer to one of the fullest extent. The following line just solidifies just how fairytales played such a vital role in her life. ”Between the lashes, her eyes were unfocused, distant. They were looking at the fairytales that were always in her head.” I couldn't help but think that she may have had some type of mental illness maybe? Something that made her live more inside of her head than a normal person. Or maybe she was just taking dreamer to a whole new meaning. I find the mystery with her character interesting though.

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation – from what I saw – all seemed correct. So no worries there.

It's intriguing. I hope you continue!