Days Like Masquerades - Comments

Story Review Game
You didn't get back to me soon enough on the which chapter thing, so I'm just gonna do the most recent one. (:

This one might just be personal preference, but instead of underlining a word for emphasis, usually italics are used. It looks more professional.

I enjoy how they're referred to as "the Jennifers" x). It's a bit confusing and wordy, but it's funny so… I'll take funny.
The scenario is a tad confusing, though… This is probably just because I haven't read the rest of it, but the group of girls is like, a singing group? And Selena is their manager and Gustavo is Big Time Rush's manager? (or something like that)

Haha, I think this James guy likes her x).

Sorry this review isn't longer, but there isn't really that much to say. It's a good, solid chapter. There's good dialogue and characters, and the plot obviously seems to be going somewhere, with direction. There weren't and typos I could see. The layout is cute, which is something I like.

Let's try to get more specific, though. I think it was sort of weird how Kendall and James were all of a sudden at each other's throats over a girl they had barely met… Or maybe they already knew her, or maybe there was previous tension between them. I don't know. I did love the way she dealt with it, though, so blasé x). She was like that about the James-dropping-her thing, too. I really like her as a character, she brushes stuff off so easily.

Good chapter. I liked it a lot. (:

So, um, that's a pretty hot picture of Kendall (;

Story/Review Game.

First off, I would like to state that I know nothing of any of the famous people [or not] in this chapter. I am assuming that Big Time Rush is a band and The Jennifers are a girl group? I'm not sure but that's due to my own musical ignorance. I quite liked your overall style, it's very personal to yourself and I quite liked what I was getting from it. There are a few points that I would like to stress that I think need some improvement but I like the piece overall. I'm gonna analyse it in terms of tense and POV, imagery, dialogue and plot line.

I have to say that your point of view and tense took me by surprise. First person is relatively rare compared to third - particularly in band fan fiction - and present tense, well, even rarer. Whilst I think that you do have a lot of flair in your first person, I think you should add to it a bit more - as a general observation. Like more emotions, more self-introversion. Sometimes I felt that this felt more like a play than a story due to the balance of dialogue - which is wonderful but I'll get to that later - I just feel there should be more...internal monologue with Gen. We should learn more about her thought patterns, her true opinions on people, her lives, her loves, her hopes and passing fancies. I think it could be easily rectified but that's just a recommendation. Similarly, I would watch your word choice concerning present tense.

Take this example:

I dip my feet into the pool

It feels a little odd, to me. Like you're too concentrated on action compared to everything else. And that it just sounds odd to me. I might be wrong with this, I don't know.

The small amounts of imagery you did use were mostly wonderful - I didn't like the blood red lipstick, mainly because it's a bit vampire-y and overused. But it's only one tiny thing and I'm being over-picky. What I bloody well adored was this:

Selena waltzes into the studio

Even if it seems not that much of a piece of imagery, it does neatly foreshadow the whole chapter with the dancing semantic field. It is incredibly clever and it really works with your current style.

Also:

I could feel my rib cage snap

A bit more foreshadowing on the pain front. It could also be a precursor to perhaps a not to perfect relationship between Gen and James, possibly with domestic violence? That could be over-analysing it though. But to metaphorically snap someone's ribcage upon a first (or at least a primary) meeting, could that indicate a man who cannot separate pain and social relationships? Possible.

A pillar of strength in your story was your dialogue. It's cleanly done and it's incredibly natural. You could not ask for better dialogue. It highlights character's personalities beautifully and it is definitely a forte of yours. Kudos.

I must admit I was confused with the smaller details of the story line - most likely due to being thrust in at the deep-end. But as the chapter by itself, the plot is very militaristic: you set the task, task is completed, analysis, end chapter. It works again with your style - very Susanna Kaysen. Quite anecdotal, almost like a journal or blog entry only in present tense.

I do have some questions about the chapter:

we were psyched we'd actually hear you sing for the first time

I'm sure that a "that" would make that sense feel less fragmented, unless it's a colloquialism I am not familiar with which is pretty possible.

Leonce says in a thick American accent

Is there a thick American accent?

'friendship code'," she mutters, saying "friendship code" in a mocking tone.

If you italised the friendship code, a sort of sarcastic tone change would be self-evident. It really doesn't need to be said.

Overall, it's a cute chapter of a blossoming relationship. You showed off your dialogue abilities brilliantly but I did have a couple of reservations.

LDSKAJFIUAEWRIOUWERKLWAEJFKLSDUO

I LOVE BIG TIME RUSH SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA OMG :'D

none of my friends like it but i can never get that damn theme song out of my head. they're all so goofy and lovely, haha.

i love this. it's really good so far, i can't wait to read more!!!

...is it bad that i adore james, even though he is sorta girly :P

smh, i really hope he doesnt keep dropping her >< lol that must huuuurt
update soon =)

Great update!

I loveloveLOVE James and Kendall's little fight over Gen, so cute. Obviously boys aren't great at the friendship rule.

And I would just like to announce that Jo is a slutbag. Who doesn't follow the friendship code? It's just common courtesy to NOT date a friend's ex or crush. It's just good manners.

And the title of this chapter makes me want to dance XD Not like, legit dance, just do my hip hop arm thing that I do.

Legit, this is like, the only story I read on Mibba.

Aw, you...gave..me...a....shoutout? I'm so touched!

Even though I don't like James, I love the little relationship between him and Gen. I agree with her, he's way too girly. XD I like how he sort of sees that something's wrong and takes care of her, sort of like an older brother. I think I might actually like James in your story =D

OMG I HAVE ARRIVED WITH GANGSTA SWAGGER!

I love my little rap, I don't think I could've come up with anything better myself =D

Oh, I will throw down the Jennifers and Camille too because Kandi doesn't play games, what whaat.

Keep it up so I'll actually have something to read on this site XD

wow =) u updaetd..that's awesome.
and i've read like a.m. radio
x) its awesome!
update soon xD

I noticed you changed the layout since the last time I read. I really like it. The background is cute with the fish.

I blow on my electric blue nails all the way back home to the apartment.
^^^ when i read this it reminded me of a nail posh color i have.

Mom swings the door open when I knock, a pained look on her face.
# suggestion try: My mom swings the door open when I knock, with a pained look on her face. or a variation of that.

We look at each other and then turn away, parting ways.
# add our between parting and ways.

I look up and grimace at the mirror decorated with singers. William Beckett from Warped 2008. Andrew McMahon from the Hammers and Strings Tour. Freddie Mercury at the piano. Fiona Apple before her major breakdown.
# this seems to work this way but it may seem better combining this into one sentence with many examples. it may seem run onish that way but id try it and see if you like it better that way,

I don't know what I want; I moved out here with my mom because she thought maybe, she could find a man with a talented son (or daughter) and get married again. She doesn't believe in my talent; she just doesn't want me to be a loser. Mom's not sure I have any talent. I'm not even sure if I have any talent.
^^ i feel bad for her here. like i wanna jump in a give her a hug.

I can picture what is going on in the scene with Jen's manager and the "makeover" I comes off a bit comedic in my mind because i think id would react the same way she did. Good job

I look fake.
^^ i like how she is really honest with herself and doesn't get consumed by the makeover. she says her true self.

By the time we're rushed out in front of a camera, I have no idea what I'm wearing.
^^ i love your use of words here, you didn't just leave it as we were rushed out, you left an impact by telling the detail of how fast; it was so fast i wasn't sure what i was wearing.

The lights flash, and I see stars. I look into away from the camera as the girls smile into it. I can feel the expression on my face growing colder and colder. The Jennifers look like the sort of girl you want to be: beautiful, dainty, popular.
And then there's me. The loser. The awkward kid. I look like part of the camera crew accidentally caught in the picture. I feel like an idiot standing here, make face coated with layers of foundation and emerald eyeliner smudged on my face.

I love when you bring out her inner thought without being like she thought... insert her thought here. i picture this like a movie, everything in slow motion with the girls doing their poses and the camera focused on here there feeling the way she does.

The Jennifers put their arms in the air and cover my face. They pose like Charlie's Angels and block my face. They blow kisses at the camera and stick their hands in my face.
^^ i wanna punch them on the face more and more everything that i read that they do makes you want to hate them for being so mean to her.

I love Camille, Jo and her friends they treat her like she should be treated. :)

I sprint out and shut the door.
^^small win for her.

I raise my eyebrows. You know, for some reason, things never work out right. I think Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk said it best: The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person. When I first read that line, I thought it was a joke. I think after reading that book two years ago, I've been slapped in the face with this news about five times.
^^ i like your reference to another book. i like it when books/stories do this.

I enjoy the girl take between Camille, Jo and Genn. It makes it very relatible..

"Why do you keep attracting trash?" Brunette Jennifer asks, crinkling her nose.
^^ if she was real id totally deck her.

I know, it's stupid to even think that love could exist when you're in high school, but there are always those few couples that stay together. Look at Andrew McMahon and his high school sweetheart, Kelly. William Beckett and Christine Bandy. I don't feel like I'm asking for much; I just want to find someone who cares about me and has the same interests as I do. I don't want just anyone.
Is it too much to ask to find that guy who sees beyond your face and your chest? Is it too much to ask for a guy who, I don't know...loves you? For once, I want to be Andrew and Kelly. William and Christine. I don't want to end up like my mom, drinking too many martinis alone at the sports bar. I don't want to end up like my dad, losing custody of the kid he loved so much.
^^ i love how you bring up William Beckett again its provides a bit of unity in this chapter. again you bring u her inner thought and an insight into her. I just love when you do this.

I enjoy how you over play and exaggerate the superficial aspect of the Jennifers in this chapter between the "makeover" the I'm set of Zac Efron comment and making Gen carry all their stuff from shopping. Well done.

i like the way you ended the chapter I sort of came off as a high like she kinda had some power over the Jennifers. Well played.

the ones i marked in # are optional edits i thought i may sound better with these sentences added or changed

also i think the sentences would sound less robotic with My in front of mom in some of the sentences, but that comes down to personal preference.

Over All again very great. these chapters get better and better

Story Review Game - Chapter Three

The scene in the beginning with her mother seemed so... abrupt to me. The woman is asking her a question then she just turns back to the TV? It almost seems as though there should some sequence that took place in the time between. Maybe it's just me.

She doesn't believe in my talent; she just doesn't want me to be a loser. Mom's not sure I have any talent.
- I feel like this section sort of backspaces over itself in a manner. It's horrible because I seem to find a way to explain it but I really just don't like how it's worded.

The photoshoot seems to have been zipped right through. I would've loved to hear more inner thoughts of the girl's.

Her cheer leading outfit is slightly...
- Is cheerleading one word? I'm not sure...

Her expression changes into an intense glare. "Don't say Logan. He's mine."
- I thought this moment was a very teenage girl moment. My friends and I are all guilty of "claiming" celebrities and other boys that we think are attractive and whatnot. It was a very believable teen moment. Really nice.

"I've heard of him...somewhere. Is he gorgeous?"
"Oh, very."
I try not to laugh.
- I didn't get this... So I googled it :)
- It was very nice to end it with Genevieve having a little chuckle at these girls. Sucks no one with a brain was around to hear the slight burn, if you will, but it was clever.

I think that you've written a very relatable character with Genevieve. She's just a girl trying to fit in and make something of herself, as is everyone. I really like her relatablily and honesty. It's wonderful to see an author who is so sure of her characters and I can tell that you're one of these authors. Your characters are consistant throughout this chapter.

I didn't pick up any grammar mistakes, although truthfully I wasn't really looking lol. Then again, you are the grammar police so I would assume you'd have to arrest yourself if there were any mistakes? That could get awkward

Good job with this chapter. It was nice.

Story Review Game

I will honestly try not to be too bias towards this story. We both know that I love it.

You switched the layout up on me, but it was for the best. The fish and the turquoise background suit this story very well since there are scenes by the pool.

Anyways, onto the good stuff...

I look up and grimace at the mirror decorated with singers. - I feel like you missed a chance at characterization here. Maybe describe what singers are on the mirror and how she feels about them? I'm not a fan of namedropping, but sometimes it works.

I really like how you've developed the mother and her sort of irresponsible attitude towards her daughter, both with the intro to ths chapter and with Genevieve's low self-esteem due to her mother's behavior.

I look fake. - I really like the bluntness of this sentence and how Genevieve is able to be completely honest with herself when it comes to just about everything. I like that in a character because I'm the same way.

The Jennifers put their arms in the air and cover my face. They pose like Charlie's Angels and block my face. They blow kisses at the camera and stick their hands in my face. - I really like thi bit and the sort of parallelism you use in these lines. I would've loved to hear a little more of what Genevieve was thinking during the photoshoot, though. It would make this scene even better.

I like how even though Jo has a thing with Kendall, and Genevieve obviously has feelings for him as well, Genevieve never has a bad thought towards Jo. There's none of that catty jealousy, and it shows a lot of maturity and character on her part.

"I have my heart set on Zac Efron." - Even though I haven't watched the show that much, I feel like this is a very Jennifer thing to say.

"Oh? Spill the beans, girl," - I feel like this would work a lot better if there was a break between the two sentences, like maybe she could raise her eyebrow or lower her shades after "Oh?"

Overall, you know I love this. I'm sorry I'm no good for concrit, but I'll try to dig out some. I would maybe suggest giving a little bit more description, even though I'm bad at following that advice myself.

All right, all right.

First off, I feel the relationship with her mother a bit weird. I mean, she says one thing to her and then goes back to the TV? It may just be me, but it doesn't feel real to me. And then to say that she doesn't believe in her or care about her? Then why would she bother talking at all?

The photoshoot feels really rushed, too. There's no detail on how she feels as her make-up is being done or anything of the like, how she feels as the pictures are being taken. I have no idea how they're standing or posing until at the end where it says you can't see her face. But why not? Did they get in front of her? I just wish there was more detail.

When you type book titles, you italics them, not underline them.

Why doesn't she stand up for herself? The character, at times, feels very strong, but yet she seems to act really weak. It might just be me, but she feels inconsistent and wish-washy.

The topic of love almost came out of nowhere. She was being forced to go tan and then love? I like what she says, don't get me wrong. (Any Andrew reference makes my day.)

The whole idea revolving around asking a question just so you can talk about your feelings toward the subject. I love that line because it's so, so true. I hate it when people don't ask me how I feel on something that I only asked so they would ask me. /sigh

As for Dorian Gray, are you alluding to the book by Oscar Wilde? Because that makes me very happy. I love Wilde. Or I guess the movie, too, since you seem to like Ben Barnes(?). Either way, good reference.

All right, well, overall, I did enjoy the chapter. I just wish that more happened in it and there was more detail. But it was still great anyway. I like your characters and how they all interact with each other.

I also really like your title and layout and banner, they're all really nice. This is definitely interesting and I hope that I will see some more soon.

i dont like the mom either, and the Jennifers are...ugh...

aw poor genevieve =(

and please update again soon

yea ik. i'm just selfish like that ;D

Okay, I really don't like her mom. Or any of the Jennifers. Obviously. xD

Genevieve has some competition I see! That made me giggle.

bahahaha @ the Dorian Gray comment. I laughed very loudly at that little tid-bit.

I'm becoming a tad obsessed with this story. Fail on my part. xD

Omigosh, the final bit about Dorian Gray made me literally laugh out loud.

Great update! I loved the quote from Palahniuk, I need to put that book on my list as well.

I love that Genevieve is a hopeless romantic like me. I really am, it's just the raging hormones get in the way =)

I feel that you should know that Genevieve is the focus of my next update, and I don't want to butcher your character, so I may send it to you so you can look over it before posting.

Camille better keep her fugly self away from Logan. Kandi don't play no games. XD

um..wow..i cant be as descriptive in my comments but i CAN tell u that i like ur writing style and that the layout was awesome. i hope you update soon lol. and i hope she gets together with kendall =D <3 i love him...and logan...and carlos....james is okay...but i like kendall best =D

I wasn't sure what chapter you wanted me to review, so i reviewed chapter one:

Okay, to start it off, I love the layout. It was easy for me to read, and picture was adorable. I've never
read a big time rush fan-fiction, but it'll prove to be interesting. So let's get started!

chapter one:

I love the writing style you have. It's unique to me, and I like how you had the Jennifers.

At the mall, we enter a store with obnoxiously loud music. The Jennifers shove me into a dressing room and throw mounds of clothes over the door, showering me in shirts, skirts, and dresses. I mix and match, not sure what I'm doing. I found myself asking, "Is this what a Jennifer would wear?" I step outside with each outfit, receiving nods of approval or shakes of disappointment.

I love the makeover they're giving her, I especially like the part where she asks, "Is this what a Jennifer would wear?"

I like how your dialogue, I can imagine this happening to someone. Sort of like an initiation! I like that you include dialogue, but it doesn't overpower your story. Hope that made sense! It's a bit rare these days (at least for me) to read a story that balances dialogue and description. Either it has too much dialogue, or too much description. I liked how your story balances it both, so good job on that!

Mom pats my back. "Sweetheart, changing a little isn't a bad thing; I'm sure if you and Jennifer become closer, you two'll be really good friends. I don't think that's a bad thing at all." She smiles the kind of smile you wish you could put on when you're unsure about what you're betting your money on.

I wonder who Jennifer is? Is she a friend? A cousin? Anyway, great job on this chapter.

But one thing. I would like to see how the Jennifer's differ. So the only thing I think you should do is add a
bit more of a personality. Like how Gen has her own.

Chapter Two:

I look at my beaten-up Vans, the ones I've had since I was a freshman. The faded, electric-blue "V" has grass stains on it from when I used to take long walks in the Washington woods. "But they're my favorite shoes," I say, frowning. "I don't like how you're trying to change who I am." >>Exactly what I would say! I wouldn't want to be changed at all.

I pull off the jeans and squeeze my feet into Blonde Jennifer's size six stilettos. I feel like one of the ugly sisters from Cinderella trying to put on the glass slipper. I step out, and Blonde Jennifer looks relieved. "I'm glad you're not arguing anymore. It's such a pain when people don't listen," she says airily, grabbing my wrist. "We'll see you later, Aunt Lauretta!"

Awww I really liked that paragraph. I'm thinking she's a bit self-conscious? I like your characters, even Jennifer, haha.

I shrug. "Blonde Jennifer's my cousin; she's helping me get...acquainted." I just felt like the life-sized Barbie her parents never bought her. "Where are your friends?" >>Aah now i understand. she's the cousin. :D

Kendall seems like a really nice guy. I hope those two will get together :D

Kendall grins. "That's what moms are for." Cute!

okay, so I liked your writing style, and as far as I could see, there weren't any grammar mistakes. The characters were very believeble to me. I could relate a little bit to the main character. I enjoyed the dialogues from the Jennifers. Although I don't watch Big Time Rush that much, I really liked this. I noticed it was on HIATUS-ISH, but please update this soon. I would hate to see it get deleted. But no pressure! do what you want :D

“Genevieve Caulfied doesn’t exist.”

I like that. I like the opening dialogue and how you give the reader a bit of insight into what we’re about to read. It’s a lot more powerful than if you were just to open the summary with “Genevieve Caulfield doesn’t exist”.

In the opening chapter, the ugly duckling, you really paint a picture and I can see two girls sitting at a vanity in my mind’s eye. You also give depth into your characters in that opening paragraph too. I can see exactly what kind of girl Jennifer is, and exactly what kind of girl Genevieve is.

The other Jennifer’s confused me a little bit… they’re all Jennifer’s? The fact that they’re all Jennifer’s (apart from Genevieve, obv.) suggests that – perhaps, they’re all the same. They don’t have the ability to be “different”, like Genevieve in her band t-shirt and jeans. Leading on from that too, the girls call Genevieve “Gen” which sounds like “Jen”, only because we’re reading it we know it’s not. This poses the idea that even though the Jennifer’s dress her up to look like them, she isn’t actually like them in any sense of it.

“"Some think I'm related to Holden Caulfield," I joke, but the Jennifers give me blank stares. "You know, the main character from the novel Catcher in the Rye." I'm guessing none of the Jennifers have ever read an important literary work in their lives, but one of the four guys chuckles.”

I had an inkling that you were trying to link Genevieve and Holden, based on their last names – I’m not particularly all that interested in Catcher in the Rye to be perfectly honest, but you make obvious links toward Genevieve and Holden – such as how their lives up until a particular point have been unchanging, Genevieve also speaks in first person narrative and so on. I don’t particularly find the characters all that believable; blonde Jennifer being really the only character with a real striking personality, her ignorance (“who reads anymore?”) being quite enjoyable. But I also found that Jennifer was a irrational generalisation of what most people would call the “popular” girls at school. If this was intended you pulled it off rather well, whereas Genevieve is mostly predictable and lacks complexity.

“He leans back in the chair, looking up at the stars. "You know, you're not really like them." He laughs. "You're actually nice."

Another generalisation that girls who are “different” or “socially inapt” aren’t popular with guys, that “popular” girls are all bitches. An interesting thesis, even if I may disagree, it makes an interesting read.

“I've never been good with speaking to the opposite sex. I guess that's a downside to attending an all-girls school for at least half your life.”

Inability explained.

“I shake my head. "I can't. I told my mom I was stopping by blonde Jennifer's so we could paint our nails together."

"Just tell her you're going to stay over for dinner," James replies.

"I can't lie to my mom!"

"You already did," Logan points out.”

I like this, this is probably my favourite part. Probably because Genevieve is coming out of her shell, sort of, and her true personality is coming through – the fact she doesn’t want to lie to her mum – and I love the humour also.

So all in all, I enjoyed reading this. But I found Genevieve to be a little bit too predictable, especially with reading the Chuck Palahniuk book and Catcher in the Rye references. I don’t know, I guess I find it a little unorigonal? But don’t let that mislead you from the fact that I actually like this short story, and I’ve even subscribed because I want to know what happens to Genevieve. Even if she is a bit banal, you can’t help but like her. (:

So I was totally going to leave you a long butt comment, and then I realized that I was speechless, so screw you.

But Kendall is so cute.
<3