Broken Open - Comments

Aw I love this story. :)

Update soon?
pleaseeeeee

Awesome story! Please update soon. Your story was so good so far and Jesse is the cutest little brother character ever. I wish he was my little brother!

REVIEW

The summary is nice and informative, but you spelled humor wrong.

Chapter 1
I like that it starts out with her first and last name, I'm not sure why, But I've always liked that in stories.

As he got I think you meant to put 'she' there.

from under the hood of his forehead I think I understand what you're trying to say here, but it sort of doesn't make sense, maybe change the wording?

I really like the way Belle interacts with the characters, she seems very carefree and I really like what it adds to the story, how it counteracts with the crime and stuff of the story. Plus, I like how you said Gideon reminds you of your Grandpa, like Belle, I found that very interesting.

"I'm not your grandfather Arch." I think there should be a comma after grandfather, I'm not sure though.

I also like the part with Spencer, it seems very Spencer-ish, especially the dialogue, even though he only says one thing. Oh, and you were right about the spelling of Derek. I think you did excellent with the characterization, too. It's pretty spot-on.

Chapter 2

I failed to mention before, but I also like her name. It's so quirky and weird, it matches her personality. I love the part when she's singing while she's making cookies, it just adds to her quirkiness and it's quite adorable. It brings her to life.

for the team of the BAU If I were you, I'd change it to say 'for the team' or 'for the BAU'. Saying both in the same sentence seems a bit redundant, only one is necessary.

I really like that she's reading a book about a killer and watching Law & Order. Since she's new to the team, she would still be into all that stuff, while someone who has been on the team for a long time and dealt with death and crime wouldn't. And the fact that she's baking cookies and is so cheery counteracts the crime.

wit what was left Should be 'with'.

Chapter 3

familliar small two story that loomed over the street like a volture...ran pu her spine Should be 'familiar' and 'vulture' and 'up'. There's another familliar that needs to be changed too. driped with contempt Should be 'dripped'. Spell check is your friend, hun.

On a lighter note, I love the description of her mother, it gives me a nice mental image. I like how you described her eyes and face.

You're an agent, she thought, you need proof before you take him away... I really like this statement, I'm not sure why, I just love it.

old misserable house Miserable. the force pushed 'The', it's the beginning of a sentence.

gotta show you somehting!!!!! Multiple punctuation is not allowed, more than one exclamation point is not necessary. I think your story could get reported for this, and you don't want that. Plus, 'something' is spelt wrong.

I like the part with Jessie and Belle in his room, where he has all the pictures of them as princes and princesses, it gives great insight into his mind.

Back when she was little her and Aurora's beds where on either side of the bright room. There would be a comma after 'little', and I don't feel that Aurora's character is clear. I'm not sure is she is a sister or what exactly. I think it should be a tiny bit a clearer. I also think the part with Aurora could be a flash back, if it is significant, and not just for the sake of introducing the character, it could be a little more detailed too, but only if it has a distinct significance later on. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

their toys had all been Should be 'Their'.

She remembered that she wasn't back there anymore and that her little brother was now running around the room showing her things that she couldn't focus on. I love your wording here. It's gorgeous.

You really need to watch your spelling and capitilization. You need to properly proof read it or get a beta reader. I'd happily be said beta too. :)

Chapter 4

Without saying anything to her mother she got in and drove away. There would be a comma after 'mother'.

what's goin on at home?" It should say goin'.

"Really, well why?" I don't really like the wording of this. Belle knows that something is up at home, so I don't think she would say 'Really'. Maybe 'Well, why?' or 'Why is that?'.

kept on talking but Belle Comma after 'talking'.

"He's hiding something," ... Did he know that..." I don't like how this is in quotations. It doesn't flow well with the rest. I would change it a little and take the quotes out.

"I found it in the mail." Maybe say 'found it on a letter' or something. Saying 'mail' doesn't seem right to me for some reason.

Besides all of this, I think the chapter was really great. It was fascinating. It unveiled a lot about their past, but not too much to give anything away. I makes me want to keep reading it too.

Overall, it's a really awesome story. The plot is unique, the characters are memorable; along with the situations. I feel that it's lacking a certain emotional connection, but that might come later, or it might be a part of Belle's character to not be too emotional. Anyway, I will continue reading this because it's fabulous. :D

Commenting is for losers, baka. Nah, just kidding. The story's good do far, but watch your spelling. "Rolla, Missouri and wit what was left of her small family." Mrs. Oldham would be very upset with you.