Spit on and Shoved to Agree - Comments

FuckNo (100)

:: Member
Gender:: ♀
Age:: 34
Location:: United States

Okay so, before I get into the things I didn't like, I will say the things that I do like. I like that you're trying to stay true to the time period that you're in and I like that you're trying to use actual struggles from Gerard's life. I also think it's interesting to have it from both points of view.

Now, to the criticisms. Your summary is more like a long winded author's note than an actual summary of the story. You have a lot of information in there that doesn't actually tell the audience anything or is wrong or just isn't needed for that area. Your info about cell phones is pretty accurate. However, CDs have been popular since the early 90's. Even when I was a kid, I bought CDs, and I'm turning 23 this year. Not to say that cassettes weren't around, but CDs were definitely in full swing by 1999. You also have a few spelling and grammatical errors in your summary (e.g. spelling missionary as 'mitionary').

As for the chapters, grammar and spelling are a frequent problem but most of the errors could be fixed if spell check was run effectively throughout. Also, check the names of things. like saying Eye Ball Records when it's Eyeball Records. Little things like that. Also, I found the interaction between Imogen and her mother to be a little strange. I can accept that Lenore is a bad mother that runs off, but if you're having a character speak, putting parentheses around something doesn't eliminate the fact that it's within speech, so if you want to explain something that is within the dialogue, have the current narrator explain it afterward in thought. I recommend also, when you write dialogue, to say it out loud after you write it to make sure it sounds natural and not forced.

Also, my final bit of advice? Ditch the headings telling whose point of view it is. It's not needed. As long as you put a separation of some kind between the points of view, people should be able to follow it as long as you make the difference clear, which you do. Putting dividers of some sort between the parts, either through image dividers that I'm pretty sure are still allowed, but I might be wrong on that. Either way, some sort of divide within the sections should be enough, but you don't have to announce every single time that it's Gerard or Imogen.

April 24th, 2012 at 05:08am