Used - Comments

I hardly ever read The Used fic, I honesty dont know why. I use to love The Used, dont know why I stop though, still listen to old stuff here and there. Anyway,

This is really good, I like the banner. The summary wasn't too long, it drew me in. I like when I read the summary it isn't too long or gives the story away. The title is smiple but yet I like it.

Your details are really good, I can almost picture this happening in my head. I can relate I sometimes think I need new friends but then again I think Im better off alone.

Overall this really good, I only read the first chapter though. But I will read more :)

I LOVE the Bob Dylan song you used at the summary<3

Wow.. that's all I have to say. I usually don't read story that only have like two or three chapters posted, but I'm a sucker for 'the used' stories so I had to read this one, and just... wow!
I can't wait for more. I really hope you update soon.:)

All I can say is 'WOOOW! I love it.'

Okay, so for starters I literally had to make myself read this because it was slash -and no offense to those who read slash, Its just not my thing- but I knew it was yours. So basically, I knew it was a guaranteed win. So I read it. (The fact it was Quinnified helped - he's my favourite :3)

Oh wow; I loved this a lot.

Your flow and structure is just pleasurable to read and you can feel the chemistry between Bert and Quinn its just plain nice. You have such a unique but typical writing style, its something that's recognizable, but it feels ordinary as you write it. You can see that you've enjoyed writing this and it makes the reader enjoy reading it.

I loved this a lot. Well done, this is great!

I've been looking for a good The Used fiction for a while now and subscribed to this but have only just gotten around to reading it. So psyched that I did.

I love Quinn's voice and the flow of his thoughts. Sometimes people get it too chatty or the train of thought goes off-track and can disturb the flow of the story but you never did that. We're seeing the world from Quinn's eyes but you've left room for our own judgements on characters and even on Quinn.

For example, his relationship with Bert. The way you write Quinn's thoughts show that he strongly dislikes him and doesn't want him around, but then the way he speaks and acts around the man completely negates this. I think Bert and Quinn's easy-going chemistry is what I love most so far (I have no idea if there'll be a pairing in this story, or if it'll be them or someone else). Whilst Quinn is professing he needs new friends, it's obvious the boys relationship is too tight to just forget about.

Your dialogue is just...gah, incredible. I'm a sucker for good dialogue and Chapter two between Bert and Quinn was just amazing. You don't tag all of the speech, but then there isn't lines and lines of back and forth dialogue. The boyness is just right and the relationship between the two is really, really well done.

Some of my favourite lines from Chapter one were
And Quinn wonders if being “punk” was anything like being “insane”; that only those who do not realize, are? This is the first thing that struck me in the story that kept me thoroughly engaged. Quinn's obvious frustration with his friends and himself and being too try-hard.

Quinn sighs loudly, trying to capture Bert’s attention, but all it achieves is a momentary glance in his direction and a grunt of acknowledgement. This line only struck me on the second read-through, once I started this comment, because I had decided that Quinn is a bit of drama-whore and likes to be noticed and liked and paid attention to, even though he'd never admit it (how I saw him anyway :D)

And Chapter Two:
“Uhm…my mom?”

Quinn decides to drop the subject before he opens Pandora’s box. Shows the closeness and understanding beneathe the boys' relationship, that Quinn knows to leave the subject alone. Also quite intriguing, Bert's family compared to Quinn's in the next chapter.

“They do,” he chokes, “you just do things they don’t like.”

“They don’t like me or my family, do they?”

He hates Bert’s unwashed hair on his skin. He hates even more that it sends little tingles throughout his body. And into his stomach. Okay, I got to this line and was like please please let this be a Bert/Quinn. I love how Quinn describes Bert as being disgusting and gross and smelly, but that isn't enough to stop him liking him (in whatever way he does). This line is also a little snippet of why I love your dialogue so much :)

“Do you really have to go?” Quinn asks, the sadness evident in his voice Again, this just has to be Bert/Quinn, but by now I'm glad you haven't already told us and given it away. And this line, after all Quinn's thoughts and how he tells Bert he doesn't want him in his house and he's peed off and all that, he still doesn't want him to go.

Finally, Chapter 3:

I adore the family dynamics. His different relationships with his brothers (and even his sister who is not present, only mentioned), his step-father's lack of interest (I've read too many stories where step-dads are the bad guy, so very refreshing) and his mother's disappointment and contast tirade.

A D Note sours through the air when “worthless” leaks into his room. I like how you have him plucking the strings when he is frustrated, really adds characterisation and so relatable. We all get angry at our parents one time or another and need to vent in some way. I also like how you seem to know what you're talking about music/guitar-wise so far. I don't like it when people try...and fail...with that.

The laptop he stole from Pete Wentz (though he paid for that when he found the scandalous pictures of Pete and a cucumber). I think this line speaks for itself

catching Ian’s mischievous smile as he descends the staircase- he figures he taught his brother well, and maybe he won’t end up snorting cocaine in a dirty bathroom. Sibling friendship/conspiracies! I love it.

And then the last line. Crickets chirp loudly, and he feels so utterly alone. Pretty much sums up the last three chapters. It could come across as just one of those lines used to finish the chapter, but it ties in with everything so well. And even though it's kind of obviously Quinn's attitude to life that makes it seem so bad, I still feel enourmously sorry for him =/

This has been a momentous comment. D: Sorry about that. I just had to catch up on three chapters worth of commenting/reviewing. No pressure, but I'm really looking forward to another chapter :)

I don't always comment stories, and I never know exactly what to say, but, duuude.
This story freaking rules. Update? =D
Hehe. <3

Ah-mazing :))
Do you know how freaking strange and awesome it was that I was listening to Adam's Song this weekend, and then I check my email to see that you update and the chapter is titled Adam's song???!!! XD
I am seriously in love with this...
and May the Fourth be with you as well. :)
Great with writing, you are. x)

Actually, I don't think I've ever read a 'The Used' fanfiction yet, so I couldn't tell you if it was the best out of the category. What I can say is that you had amazing detail and I liked the point of view. Witty lines, great detail, and an awesome picture for your banner brings this story to a T. And it's really amazing.

Story Review Game: Chapter 1

hxc -- I know that means "hardxcore", but some people may not get it ? I think it might be better if you write that out instead :]

only wore black t-shirts and torn tattered jeans that got hot and sticky under the glare of the afternoon sun -- great imagery!

And the fact that -- I think you can leave out "the fact that"; I really hate seeing that in writing. The sentence is stronger without it.

offensive piercing -- "offensive piercings"?

eyeliner if Bert was feeling pretty that day. -- Hahha! Oh, Bert.

And Quinn wonders -- Why are you switching tense when everything else is in past tense?

He runs his boney fingers through sweaty strands of dark brown hair; -- "Bony" instead of "boney". Great imagery, but...maybe a more specific color than "dark brown"?

His stomach churns from the aged alcohol still swimming in his stomach from last nights endeavors -- You repeat "stomach"...so maybe "His stomach churns from the aged alcohol still swimming in it from last night's endeavors" ?

endeavors; mixing with the chicken-parm he had to sneak before coming to the park -- It's not a semi-colon there, just a regular comma :]

Jeph whine about the chickens that had to fucking die so that Quinn could eat -- Great!

figure out of the older boy -- "If" instead of "of"

silent noise -- This seems to contradict itself.

A mother trying to control two noisy kids looked at him...had been wasted -- You switch tenses again, this time from present to past.

Quinn slaps his hand against the table, -- Period after table.

ha.ha.ha. -- This looks really awkward.

He looks down at the perfectly squared loose-leaf in his hands; the ends are worn out and ripping from the million times he had folded and unfolded and folded. He gently touches the frayed edged; slowly bringing himself to bring the paper to life again with his trembling hands. -- Great imagery!

,” he sighs and slowly begins unfolding the loose leaf for perhaps the hundredth time that day. -- Period before "he sighs"; "he" should be capitalized.

chocolate brown orbs -- NO ORBS. I hate it when people refer to eyes as orbs. They remind me of sci-fi stuff. And once you say "chocolate", that's good enough. You don't need "brown".

The greasy black hair dancing behind him as the wind runs through each strand. -- You mean "dances"? Great verb :]

yes new friends were in order. -- You shift tense again.

Overall, good start! Great imagery, but be careful with your tenses...why are the first couple paragraphs in past tense and the rest in present tense? Why do you switch every so often? That's about all I can offer...hope this helps!

*see, I hate that we can't edit comments.

I'm terrible at comments, I'm warning you now.

I really like this, I'm not going to lie.
I'm usually not into reading The Used fics,
I just never read them.

Though, this is really good and I seen something going on.
I can't wait to see where this goes.

Story Review Game

First of all, I absolutely love the Bob Dylan song you quote in the summary.

'if Bert was feeling pretty that day.' - hahaha

You have a really great way of explaining things, I can practically see your story unfolding in my mind. It's good.

'"You need to eat something," Bert groans, "You get bitchy when you don't eat."' - Totally reminds me of those Snickers commercials, haha.

A new band that could keep focus for more than five minutes and didn’t insist on having their meetings in a very public park at the height of summer. Especially since they were all so hxc they only wore black t-shirts and torn tattered jeans that got hot and sticky under the glare of the afternoon sun. And the fact that people didn’t want them there anyway- what with their exposed tattoos and offensive piercing and…eyeliner if Bert was feeling pretty that day. But no matter how many times Quinn brought forth this evidence to his friends, they declared that having meetings James Polk Park was perhaps the “punkest” thing they could do…
I just had to quote that whole thing, because it pretty much made me imagine the whole thing. (I was going to say something else, but I forgot.)
Oh, that bolded part, there's a word missing I beleive. they declared that having meetings in/at...

He can’t figure out of the
^^ if

Jeph’s voice pierces the somewhat silent noise that seems to be associated with parks.
You pretty much just captured the beauty of sitting in a park. That silence. It's amazing.

He looks down at the perfectly squared loose-leaf in his hands; the ends are worn out and ripping from the million times he had folded and unfolded and folded. He gently touches the frayed edged; slowly bringing himself to bring the paper to life again with his trembling hands.
^^ Somehow, that paragraph sort of shows what kind of a person Quinn is. Or, his state of mind. I don't know. It just stands out.

He at least had a title now: “On My Own.”
I just started singing it to myself, and then grinned...because, well, I'm just going to state the obvious: How reminiscent of the goings-on in the park.

gooey mayo oozes out of out from
Typo.

And Quinn swore
^^ swears

He could
^^ can

mustered
^^ muster

he’s lying to
^^ too

Silent overtakes
^^ silence

only slightly depression
^^ depressing

pleased with his created
^^ creation

I like how the whole thing is in the present tense, and it doesn't make it seem awkward at all. Because, some things written in the present tense sound god awful. Annnnnnnd, I'm not going to lie...I'm a bit gutted that there wasn't much happening between Quinn and Bert. But I'm sure some of that will come later. (And I sound kinda perverted for that...well, not really.)

But I like this. So. :]

Okay, I loved this as soon as I saw the Bob Dylan lyrics. I'll review as I go, of course.

Chapter One
I always thought that Quinn was the most mature one. I feel for him because he's trying and he wants to be a musician, but the rest of the band is just holding him back. Perfect idea for a fic, by the way; I would have never thought of something like that at all. Ever.

“Dan fucking do it!” Should there be a comma after Dan?

I am truly excited to see where this goes. Seriously, if I was Quinn, I'd be angsty. Yelling at everyone and all that.

Chapter Two
I like how the chapter begins. When someone can write something by making the plot uncomfortable but allowing the reader have this feeling of sympathy. Or maybe relating to the story, I guess, would make sense, too. I'm sure everyone has some friends that they can only stand in intervals; I know I do.

“I’m the baby!” He snaps, throwing down the menu,” You’re the one not taking anything seriously!” You can correct the quotation marks between menu and you're. Ha. I'm just picking out some of those small things that I know I ignore in my own writings.

Oh, man. The bleach scene is killing me. I thought his hair was going to fall out, which would be quite terrible.

I love this so far. Just so you know, I'm subscribing.

Long chapter is long, but I love it.

He arches an eyebrow. “Who the fuck keeps changing the channel?”

That's just about one of the best closing lines ever. So, high five. There were a couple grammar typos, but nothing really worth pointing out. Great job, friend!

There are two things that make me like this story right off the bat:

1. It's told from a guy's perspective, and you're doing a good job of it. So many girls try and fail at writing from a guy's point of view.
2. It's told in present tense. I don't see that a lot, and I really like reading about stuff while it's actually happening.

Fantastical.

Let me start out by saying that I absolutely love you for writing this.
Marry me...
*ahem*
I loved the entire dynamic of the characters. I think that you wrote the dialougue perfectly, and in my head, I could actually see the members of the ban saying thsoe things.
My favorite line out of chapter one has to be,

Aforementioned dog takes a piss on him.
Just because it's so strange and funny, and made me spit out the soda I was drinking.
The second chapter made me excited because I was excited about Quinn going back to blonde.
I actually love him with brown hair, but the blonde hair is just so....
I was actually listening to Empty With You while listening to this.
Gah, you have made my spring break! <3

“Bro, I swear to god,” Jeph sounded serious for a second, “If your foot isn’t in my balls, I am going to beat your punk-ass up!”

“But…dude, I mean, you’re gonna get mad at me!”

“No, no, I swear, it won’t hurt! I have balls of fucking steel!”
That is so very the Used. I just had to open this comment with how amazing that line was, I mean, really. I can close my eyes and see them saying that, it’s so believable.

Another thing I loved was the woman in the park, the one trying to calm her children. The way Quinn’s brain processed the whole event was priceless, and you allow stream-of-consciousness to flow at its maximum ability. And, again, it’s very believable, coming from Quinn. It was also an interesting tid-bit of information. Most writers just brush off the little details they throw in, but you dove into that one and it was a great piece.

Quinn Allman shook his head- yes new friends were in order. Brand new, fresh from the oven, friends. Robot friends would be cool. Robot friends that did his bidding. Did what he said. Listened for once. Carried themselves home when they were drunk and didn’t puke in his car. Didn’t kick each other in privates like it was fun. Didn’t up and leave…and flee.
You have a way with hitting the nail on the head when it comes to these boys, I mean, seriously. Your writing flows and is intelligent, but at the same time it’s still easy to see Quinn and Jeph and Dan and Bert acting, and thinking, and talking, the way you write them.

But the day wasn’t a total waste-positives- as he pulled out a pen and put it to the paper. He at least had a title now: “On My Own.”
This was my second favorite part, next to the whole balls fiasco.
The incorporation of that song...and Quinn and...

Waiting for more. :D

Since you logged off AIM before I could tell you what I thought, I'll tell you here.

I haven't done a proper review for a really, really long time. And I'm probably not about to do one now. BUT, I will say that I loved it. I forgot what an amazing writer you are, and this proved it. I love your choice of words, the way you describe the characters with sentences like "Chocolate-orb eyes." All that just proves why you have such potential as a writer, and why people enjoy your stories.

You painted a picture in my head, just as a decent piece of writing should. I could see the people in the park, and the looks they gave the characters. I could also see how out of place they were in that environment.

I'm glad you found something to help you write, and this was really good. Don't doubt yourself.

And I still love youuuu, even if you want a divorce. D: