November 6th, 2007 at 09:04am
“I can’t, I can’t wake up,” he blares into the open meadow, and pulls the trigger to blast the demons out of his mind, and to stop the suffering, the pain, the grief.
I loved that line.
The entire piece is really short, and the ending so sudden that the reader just gasps. It's captivating and moving and you make him seem like such a real person instead of the hero.
The vocab might be a bit much at times, but i think that's easily fixable. And that's coming from someone who loves using obscure words and phrases.
I'd love for this to be continued, or for this to be the ending of a story.
Really great
the only complaint I have is that you use the word 'throat' a lot in the same sentences.
"...in the back of his throat as he feels a squeezing sensation on his throat..." "...places his hands on his throat to feel nothing but his skin that lay over his throat..."
I'm not sure what you could do about that...it's just a bit excessive, if you know what I mean?
I really love your descriptions though, it really makes the story come alive for the reader.
Grammar and spelling errors were basically nonexistent :D
"He ambles throughout the forest on a twilight trail only following his sense, hoping he can come across a placid area to gather his clustered thoughts."
Perfect.
And god, that last line was incredible.
“I can’t, I can’t wake up,” he blares into the open meadow, and pulls the trigger to blast the demons out of his mind, and to stop the suffering, the pain, the grief."
It's almost as, if not even more, haunting as his descriptions in the booklet.
Incredible job; that's one of the best one-shots I've read in a while.