April 16th, 2010 at 06:50pm
One Shot For One Shot:
This is my second reading of an entry for this contest, so I'm interested to see what you've come up with. To note on something that has nothing to do with the writing, I love with the picture at the top. It's absolutely wonderful.
First off, I have to say that I really loved how you've started this off. Having her reminiscing through all her old memories as a child. This is actually something that really tugs on my heartstrings. I'm in my last year of high school, and so next year I'm bring forced to leave my entire life behind. I've found that lately I'm being drawn back to the things I used to love as a kid - probably some last attempt to hold onto my childhood.
"Yeah. I've kept it in here with my other nostalgic items."
- I didn't enjoy how this girl called her items nostalgic. I mean, I'll admit I've tossed that word into a conversation once or twice to describe how I'm feeling but other then that it just seems a little off. Although that could just be me.
I had a feeling more memories were going to be made at the tree house.
- I loved this line. Not because it was the ened (haha) but because of the bright promise it left for this girl's future.
I thought overall this was an amazing piece. It was very well-written; all the emotion, imagery, dialogue that you've used is perfect. It made for a wonderful read, so good job on that :)
Layout
Your layout is absolutely and undoubtedly wonderful. It is as if I'm looking back into my own trunk and looking for lost memories and dreams. It conveys the nostalgic feeling you gave to your story.
Plot line and sentence structure
Your story flows like water on a river. The transitions between paragraphs are gorgeous and they all flow perfectly. One object leads to a different story, and each story is related to the general feeling of the plot, which allows you to elaborate without extending it or losing the the feeling.
I really loved your plot, so unique, one of a kind, like Wonderland. The narration creates this nostalgic feeling, but a happy one; there are only tears of happiness threatening to pour as I read. I really love how you managed to plug in all of those emotions into a small trunk. Dreams, persons, memories, all trapped in that little box and it's so wonderful to read about. It allowed me to get to know the character and all the persons that had stepped into her life.
Descriptions
I've said it before and I say it again, your descriptions are so vivid yet dream-like, it's like walking between the clouds. The imagery and scenery are so soft and wonderfully convey the nostalgic feeling. It makes me want to have my own trunk, to pull out people from inside of it, to inspect memories by taking each thread of a clothing.
These are gorgeous descriptions. You delve into details without boring the reader, and that's just a plus, because it is normally tedious to read a lot of descriptions, but these ones are necessary, and the story wouldn't be the same without them.
Characterization
I absolutely love your character, Mag. Her happiness, her nostalgic happiness and personality that makes me think of a grown up Wendy. This is Neverland and Wonderland mixed together. And the supporting role that her husband has only helps to increase that happy, yet nostalgic, feeling that you portrayed so marvelously.
Grammar
Psh, I won't say a thing about this because this story is perfectly clean.
Overall
You made me smile, cry, laugh, yearn for my own box of past memories and a happy future remembering them. You managed to hook the reader, relate your characters and plot to them, which is just the point of writing... Write for yourself first, then for your audience. If you keep it real, your audience will love the story... and you did that to me.