Could It Last? - Comments

one shot for one shot

First off, I really loved the layour, especially the banner and the colors, I thought it was very pretty and not over the top.

I loved the dialogue, even though there wasn't much, the dialogue was very believable and realistic. I also like the way that Brendon actually did something in this case, I've read so many fan-fictions that one guy is also wondering, "Ohmygod does he like me? He can't like me! Oh God what am I thinking? I think he should make the first move, I wouldn't wna tot ruin our friendship etc. etc." and it gets all boring and mundane, so I really like the way that turned out.

And I loved the ending, especially with the repeated "Will it last?" I thought it made the nding so much powerful, and it kinda symbolized that they were on a whole new level relationship-wise, but there still was that question.... I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but yeah. That's what I got from it.

Overall, I though it was very good

Story Review Game

Brendon scanned the dark and crowded room he was in. - I like the opening line, it's simple and to the point and immeadiatly sets the scene.

He always seemed to be focused on Ryan, even when Ryan wasn’t around. Lately, he was all Brendon could think about. - Hint at obsession? Love it!

Could it last? - I'm always a fan of references to the title, so well done :

Brendon took another sip of his drink as his eyes continued to follow Ryan - I think you could maybe change the wording of this, because in the previous paragraph there's a similar sentence. I don't know, maybe it's just me but you could maybe change it to something like As his eyes continued to follow Ryan, Brendon sipped at his drink. Just might be me, but I didn't like the wording

Grabbing his new drink quickly, he turned around and headed back to the corner he was occupying - I really liked how you wrote this line, especially the use of the word 'occupying' (:

Brendon tensed slightly as his stomach filled with the nervous butterflies he felt every time Ryan came near him. When Ryan was an arms-length away from Brendon, he stumbled slightly almost spilling the rest of his drink. - I really liked these sentences, they flowed pretty well but I think using the word 'slightly' twice so close together spoiled it a little bit for me.

Maybe he was just hoping that Ryan would do something. Like—kiss him. Brendon had had dreams about Ryan kissing him, but he knew that those dreams just wouldn’t come true. - This tone of this was perfect, it was really easy to relate to and very believable.

They were alone at last. - I loved this line

It wasn’t anything like Brendon had dreamed. It was clumsy and heated, rough and messy. - This was amazingly written, it's so predictable when people's first kiss is absoloutly perfect, so this description really appealed to me.

And while all of this occurred, all Brendon could think was, Could it last? - The ending line was really good, I liked how it looped back to an earlier line and it was a really powerful finish in my opinion. I liked it

One Shot For a One Shot

I'm really not one for fanfiction, but this was great. Honestly.
Believe me, the fanfictions I'll read are very, very limited.
This was unbelievably good, and I really enjoyed reading it.

The only thing that I didn't really like was that you said 'said' and 'replied' a lot.
It's not really a problem, but is just sort of... bleh.

What really did it for me was how real everything seemed. Honestly.
The first kiss scene was perfect, exactly how a real one would be.
The ending was really great, I think. It wasn't sudden, and had a sense of being finished to me.
It also kind of left me wondering what would happen next, and seems like a subtle cliff-hanger.
I loved your story. A lot.

Story Review Game

First off, I really like your layout. It's really clean and matches the banner perfectly. I generally don't like dark layouts because the color font used with them tends to be an eyesore, but yours is perfection .

Now let's get down to the nitty gritty...

Brendon scanned the dark and crowded room he was in. It was the release party for Panic at the Disco’s debut album. - These first two sentences are sort of blah and choppy to me, maybe try blending them together?

Brendon took a sip of his beverage as his eyes focused back on the person he’d been watching all night—Ryan. - I love this line! I also love how you didn't focus too much on exactly what Brendon was drinking because it just wasn't really important. I feel like we all go to parties and sort of scope someone out, whether it be innocent or not.

...he turned around and headed back to the corner he was occupying. - I feel like this bit is worded a little awkward. I also feel like the entire paragraph this line is in is really choppy.

When Ryan was an arms-length away from Brendon, he stumbled slightly almost spilling the rest of his drink. - This bit made me chuckle. It provided a nice relief to the tension you've built up here.

Brendon could feel Ryan’s arm slipping and it wasn’t long before it was around his lower back. - You need a comma before "and."

“Brendon?” Ryan said. Brendon turned his head so that he could look at Ryan.

“Yeah?” he replied. Ryan just stared at Brendon for a moment before looking away and back at the crowd.

“Nothing,” he said. Brendon felt slightly disappointed, though he wasn’t exactly sure why. - I loved this dialogue between them. It felt so natural and realistic because people tend to do that all the time; they want to say something, but they lose the nerve in the end.

Like—kiss him. - I'm not really liking the hyphen here. I feel that the sentence would read more effectively if it wasn't there.

Brendon felt Ryan’s hand stop moving and could feel it resting just above the top of the back of his jeans. - I really lked that you paid so much attention to the subtle hand movements. If someone I was attracted to had their arm around me, I'd be focused on the same things as Brendon.

Without a word, Brendon set his drink down and stepped forward before grabbing Ryan’s hand. - I love that just before this, Brendon was wanting Ryan to be the one to take the initiative, and just all of a sudden he decides to make a move himself.

Ryan let go of Brendon’s hand and they looked at each other. - You need a comma before "and."

They were alone at last. - I really liked this line. I feel that if it were a gesture, it would be like a sigh of relief, if that makes any sense.

It was clumsy and heated, rough and messy. - I love the fact that you didn't make the kiss this perfect, fireworks going off, sort of moment. You made it real and sloppy, as most first kisses tend to be.

And while all of this occurred, all Brendon could think was, Could it last? - I love how you had him thinking "could it last?" again. I noticed in the first paragraph, and I admired it there because I instantly knew where the title came from. I like it here because it brings the story full circle. Even though Brendon and Ryan have had that first kiss, that still doesn't mean that they're together, and I like that Brendon acknowledges that.

In response to your A/N, I feel like it was a great ending. It didn't feel sudden or forced to me.

Overall, I liked this. I'm not a big fan of slash, but I got so caught up in the story that it didn't bother me. I also got so caught up that I may have missed a few grammatical errors. As errors go, I didn't find many, and that was nice.

I feel like this is very real, and it has a sort of "party hook up" vibe that suits the setting.

Great job!

Story Review Game
Layout
I really liked the simplicity of the layout and how easy it is to read the content without being attacked by colorful images

Title linked to the story content
First off, the title really caught my attention; it sets in an immediate mood that this is going to be something regarding relationships, and the repetition in Brendon's head of whether or not him and Ryan could last is just wonderful, because you related the content to the title.

Summary
I really wished there was a summary... I know the story is a bit short but sometimes I just like to know what I'm going to read about.

Content
I'm not a big fan of quoting the story, so bare with me and with the little quotations that I'll use.

Brendon scanned the dark and crowded room he was in.
I really liked the introduction; it is simple, gets straight to the point of what is going on in the character's head, and, aside from pointing out the environment in which the story takes place, sets the mood perfectly for what's to come.

Whenever Brendon was thinking of Ryan in a more than friends kind of way, the same recurring thought would flash through his mind: Could it last?
I just love the credibility of this particular habit Brendon has... how many times have we not asked ourselves such question without even knowing whether or not the other part was even interested? I just like it how you made your character turn real with such simple characterization paragraphs like this one.

Another thing I noticed is that you describe really nicely what's going on with the character's, though the environment is easily forgotten because this isn't about the party, no, this is about Brendon and how he feels about Ryan. It just really takes away all those little possible distractions that a further explanation of the surroundings could only make.

On the dialogue part, I found it rather amusing how calmed and chilled Brendon seems while talking to Ryan; it's as if he's not even there with him, though inside him freaking butterflies are fluttering around; I just really, really, like the casualness of the whole situation.


“Nothing,” he said. Brendon felt slightly disappointed, though he wasn’t exactly sure why.
This particular part is my favorite one throughout the story; the awkwardness of the situation and how they just can't seem to give the first step. At first I thought that Ryan was going to do so... due to the way he was touching Brendon, but you really surprised me when Brendon just took him away from the noise and the distractions to be just alone with him, and Ryan seems to be following Brendon's train of thought, due to the way he reacts and also starts looking for a place in which they could be alone.


It wasn’t anything like Brendon had dreamed. It was clumsy and heated, rough and messy. But it somehow still managed to be better than in his dreams, because this was real. This was really happening.
I just love this... it is not only real for Brendon, you made it so tangible and real for the readers as well.

Overall
The story is just gorgeously written and the narration flows nicely; the characters are tangible, real, you made them your own, and the plot line is so cute and awkward at the same time

First off, i must say i love how simple and clean the layout is. it tells what the story is about but is not distracting to the reader Good job :)

A Panic story between Brendon & Ryan :) Totally up my alley

Brendon took a sip of his beverage as his eyes focused back on the person he’d been watching all night—Ryan. He always seemed to be focused on Ryan, even when Ryan wasn’t around.
^^^I would change is and use He then Brandon to start the sentences. The flow seemed off to me because you used him name twice in a row. I read a bit choppy for me.

Lately, he was all Brendon could think about. Whenever Brendon was thinking of Ryan in a more than friends kind of way, the same recurring thought would flash through his mind: Could it last?
^^ I like how your story's issue/ main problem that you introduced is relate able :) good job

...., without Brendon even having to ask.
^^ change Brendon to he

Brendon tensed slightly as his stomach filled with the nervous butterflies he felt every time Ryan came near him.
^^ again i love this being relatible you can truly picture this and feel the same way.

After the third paragraph you can feel the silent tension between the two. You showed it without saying it . Good job.

Brendon had had dreams about Ryan kissing him, but he knew that those dreams just wouldn’t come true. At least, he thought they wouldn’t. A part of him thought that maybe one day it would. The part of him that was focusing on the fact that Ryan now had his hand on Brendon’s back and was rubbing it slowly believed that there was a chance.
^^ awww. Well put.

“Yeah?” he replied. Brendon felt Ryan’s hand stop moving and could feel it resting just above the top of the back of his jeans. Without a word, Brendon set his drink down and stepped forward before grabbing Ryan’s hand.
^^ this had me a bit on edge wondering what going to be happening next

They were alone at last. Without thinking, Brendon moved forward quickly so that his body pushed against Ryan’s until he felt Ryan make contact with a wall. They stayed like that for a moment—bodies pressed together, faces inches apart, and breathing heavier than they were a moment before.
^^^ Great description. this is one of my favorite paragraphs here.

Brendon wasn’t sure who initiated the kiss. All he knew was that Ryan’s lips were touching his and Ryan’s tongue was in Brendon’s mouth. It wasn’t anything like Brendon had dreamed. It was clumsy and heated, rough and messy. But it somehow still managed to be better than in his dreams, because this was real. This was really happening.
^^^^YES!!!!!! OK i lied. this is my favorite paragraph. great description

And while all of this occurred, all Brendon could think was, Could it last?
^^ i love how you tied this question back into the end of chapter.

Over all. Its very good and i cant wait to see the direction it will go.