Like A.M. Radio - Comments

Story Review Game - Chapter three.

Like many others who've reviewed this story before, I'm not exactly familiar with the fandom, so this will based entirely on your writing :)

...she was definitely throwing it out the window.
- I had to point this out. I can completely relate to this. My best friend has gone a Justin Bieber frenzy so her ringer is a Justin Bieber song. Everytime her phone rings, I literally want to pitch it across the room.

“Girl’s gotta look good,”
- I really like how you show us how the girls are different instead of simply giving us a list of examples as to why they're different.

You have a sick mind, dearest roomie.”
- Kandi is such a great character. You must have so much writing her. She has such great lines.

Racquetball was a disaster. Kandi kept serving the ball and hitting her shadow in the face.
- This may be because I don't play racquetball, but this sort of confused me. Do you mean literally her shadow on the ground? Or is shadow a term used in the game?

“Hit the deck!” she would yell whenever the ball ricocheted near Genevieve. She was usually too late.
- Haha. Even from this chapter only, I can tell that this is such a Kandi thing to say.

Kendall watched his friend struggle with the door once again. “I’m not sure where to begin.”
- Great mini-cliff hanger at the end. It was enough to make a reader want to read on and check back for updates but it wasn't enough of a cliff hanger to make those somewhat obsessed readers fling themselves off cliffs :)

Overall, this is a nice story. I can tell you've put a lot of thought and effort into the chapter. I also noticed, within your other stories as well, that you know your characters. You know exactly how they react to situations and conflicts. It's wonderful to see a writer so sure about who she's writing about :)

Story Review Game:

Layout:

I loved it. It’s not all the time I find a layout as good as this one. I don’t know why, but I fell in love with it at first sight. It’s absolutely amazing!

Summary:

I liked how you put a excerpt from the story in the summary. It really caught my attention and made me want to read it to figure out what happened. I thought it was a bit long, though.

Chapter 3:

It’s not that she didn’t like Kandi, she truly did

I think I would add because after the comma. It seems to read better that way.

Racquetball was a disaster. Kandi kept serving the ball and hitting her shadow in the face.

This sentence kind of confused me a bit. I’m not sure if you meant her or the other girl.

I really enjoyed reading this. I’m usually not the one for fanfictions, but this was rather well written, and not the steryotypical things people are writing these days.. Even though I didn’t read the first two chapters, I got a general idea of what was going on throughout the chapter. I really liked how descriptive it was, and it kept my attention all the way through.

XD

Of course, this is gonna be drama-filled since my other story is sooo laid back.

Duh, you already know! I can't make this up, these conversations happen in my day to day life.

Aw, that makes me so HAPPY! =D

Oh, Gen and her adorable little crush on dear sweet Kendall :]

OHEMGEELOGAN. There's a bit of drama going on there!

You and Thomas would definitely have totally bangable kids. Not that I'm a pedophile or anything.

I love this story :] I squealed when I saw that you updated!

story review game.
i] She was so tired of Third Eye Blind and hearing Kandi gush over them that if she heard that phone ring one more time, she was definitely throwing it out the window.
This made me grin, small as it might be. :P
I like how you immediately let us in to Gen’s world, it’s great.

I also really like the description and detail you give on the differences between Kaci and Kandi’s sides of the room. It was cute and just lets the reader get a feel of the room. [:

“Maybe I should go get knocked up, ya know, pass on my genes?”
I love this line, it made me giggle, but it also made me wonder.
I thought for a second that maybe it was something from the plot, somehow. Like maybe Kaci was pregnant?
Anyway, I’d add a little more detail on there, more nonchalantness to let the reader know it’s just a joke.
Or maybe I’m just easily confused.
:P

“This is Thomas’s.”
Okay, even though a large number of famous authors don’t even do this, it’s the correct way to write plurals with an S.
Thomas’* with the apostrophe on the outside of the S. :3

Although I wasn't quite sure who the story was supposed to be focusing on, with the million different guys and the switching back and forth from Kandi to Gen, I adore this story.

You've developed your characters really well. [;

Thanks for the comment!

It actually has both Kendall and Logan, but the story will be mainly centered on Logan, hence the banner.

i see logan in picture...i think its a logan story =(

i read kendall tho....=(

i confused...

but i liked the chapter and hope u'll update again soon! =D

idk what's gonna happen next cuz i am absolutely no good at those D=

Story and Review Game

Overall, the writing was very good. Not my style, but I appreciate your structure and personal style. It does sound a bit like other professional stories that I have read, but nothing too outlandish that I would accuse you of anything but having talent. Also, A+ with the grammar! It is always good to read a story that moves along well and doesn't have many typo or obvious grammar mistakes. However, there were some things that stuck out for me that I think you should work one.

A. Wordiness.

You are a bit wordy with some of your sentences and paragraphs. The trick with writing is to say a lot in a little. It is pretty hard, and it is something I have struggled with as a writer myself for a long time- until some professors beat it into me >_>. For example.

Today she was the face of Wofford College, but how could she convince anyone to want to go there if she didn’t want to go there herself?

I feel like the second half of that sentence was way to wordy and could be condensed. Now I am not saying this is a huge thing. I think the want should be dropped and it should go like : "how could she concince anyone to go there, if she didn't want to go herself?" It sounds cleaned up and stronger, I think. But that's up to you to decide, frankly.

Also:

Kandi could remember when, not long ago, she had been in their shoes. She had fallen in love with Wofford College after first visiting it when she’d been accepted. It was only the spring semester of her freshman year, and that love had already begun to fade

I feel like the second sentence has the same problems as the first, but I don't know how you would want to correct that. It just sounds too wordy- too much going on. I think if you condense some sentences, it delivers a more powerful message, and sticks in our minds. Like, I totally forgot by the time I go to the end Kandi's dissapointment in her school.

B. Cliche bits.

There were some parts that were a little bit cliche. For instance “Awesome.” Genevieve faintly smiled at the older girl. What could she possibly have in common with a girl like Kandi, a girl that gave peppy tours and wore madras printed sundresses and Rainbow flip flops?

I have seen that line in so many other stories, it is almost sickening, and the moment I read it, I literally had to roll my eyes because it is just so overused. I think you are a better writer than that. Instead of telling us that Genevieve isn't inpressed by Kanii show us. Shows us merely through her body language and her attitude. That will have a stronger impact than just telling us.

C. What's your focus?

I see you are doing third person, omnipresent. Meaning, you are focusing on nearly ever character's P.O.V. However, I don't think it is working for this story. There is too much going on, and you are jumping from character to character, and that can get kind of confusing for the ready. When you suddenly jumped from Kandi's p.o.v to Logan, I was a little stunned and didn't know where I was, or who Logan was in relation to Kandi. I think you should narrow your focus to one character- maybe two if you can make the story move cleanly without confusing the reader.

--

Other than that, nicely done!

I wish I had time for a longer comment, but alas, my Ma is calling me for dinner.

Love your banner. Such a nice picture.

I really enjoyed reading this; your dialogue is nice, and very realistic to me.
You could possibly work a little on more description, but it isn't a glaring flaw, at all.

Overall, a wonderful job. Can't wait for another update.
(:

Story Review Game

So, I'll start of by saying that I don't know anything about the band that this story is based on, so my review is solely based on your writing. I read the first chapter, too, but I'm only reviewing the second. But I do have to say this - I've been on so many college tours and I've always wondered how much the tour guides actually mean any of the bullshit they actually say. I guess you answered that for me!
I like that you throw in these little descriptions that make it easier to relate to the characters - their height, for example, and how Kandi doesn't get service in her room. The dialogue is believable and I can imagine everything as it plays out, from the conversation in the room to the walk across campus discussing frats.
Logan couldn’t help but cringe at the word “ain’t;” he was definitely in the south now.
I like that line. I get the sense that Logan feels almost like an outsider around them, and I'm wondering where it is he's from.
Oh I see you answer that later down. Sorry, I"m writing the review as I'm reading it.
Kandi rarely cussed; when she did, she was usually pissed or felt strongly about whatever she was saying. She felt strongly about being jaded when it came to Wofford.
I'm interested why she dislikes the school so much. You've dropped hints in the previous chapter that she really disliked it, but I would want to see you go further in explaining why she feels that way.
If only things had managed to stay that way, he would probably be a lot happier now.
I like this chapter ending more than the previous one. It gives off foreshadowing that keeps the reader interested.

Final comment: I like your plot, but I think you should work on including more descriptions here and there. Don't just say what's happening, show it.

what happens next. what happened to them

omg update.

i love logan.

That's just what they call Wofford, Havard of the South.

There's even a Facebook group for it.XD

Oh ,we are so trailer trash!

Aww, poor Logan! He's all alone... :(

I loved the part about your mom. And your family being "trailer trash"; oh, the South :]

And Harvard of the South? What about the Virginia colleges?

I reviewed chapter one due to not knowing the characters nor the story plot; I hope you don't mind.

Layout
I really like how the whole layout relates to the story perfectly, and it doesn't hurt your eyes, which is also a plus.

Summary
Thank you for the summary; I really get iffy while reading a story that doesn't have a summary... I understand that in one-shots and drabbles, but when it is a chaptered story, I at least expect some sort of introduction to what we are getting into.

Content
Now, I'm no big fan of quoting the whole story and such, so bare with me through my ramblings

Chapter 1
I quite like how you started the whole story; it starts immediately in the scene in which all the characters are going to be introduced, gives sort of a backstory to each one of them, specially for this Kandi girl, who seems to have lost all her dreams after some semesters at that college that once fascinated her.

Monotony tends to do that to most of us crazy people, so it's understandable; besides, it adds a lot to characterization and to the personality of such character; she seems a bit two-faced at first, the smiles, her trying to convince the teens' parents to enroll their children in such an expensive college all in the name of education... though inside of her there's that constant nagging voice that tells her that she's not happy there like she once thought she would be.

It is incredibly amazing how well you manage to convey all those emotions in here, yet managed to keep her calmed and collected in front of the parents and the possible future students.

Kandi could remember when, not long ago, she had been in their shoes. She had fallen in love with Wofford College after first visiting it when she’d been accepted. It was only the spring semester of her freshman year, and that love had already begun to fade.
This right here is my favorite line of this particular chapter; it just tells you so much about this Kandi character without delving in too much in the “hows” and “whys” of her fading love for that place.

Overall
I really like how you centered this chapter mainly on Kandi in order for the reader meet the other characters through her own eyes. It's really refreshing to see this sort of narration.

I'm going to start by saying that I really liked the layout. Usually, I can't stand layouts with banners and picture backgrounds, but you pulled it off spectacularly. The pictures were great, and you blended all the colours.

I loved the summary; it really gave me a feel for the story, but at the same time gave nothing away. I knew I liked your style even from that short piece. I don't actually listen to Big Time Rush (I'm assuming they're a band, but correct me if I'm wrong) but I was still keen to read the story.

I loved how you started it; it was completely unpredictable and worked perfectly. You gave something that readers could relate to. Usually, using speech to start a chapter is not something I like, but similar to the layout, you pulled it off. Fantastic.

Even though the words she was saying bored her to death, she still managed to sell the college to the parents with the enthusiastic smile plastered on her face. Great line here. I loved how you stated this fact.

She had fell in love with Wofford College after first visiting it after she’d been accepted. I think you meant 'she had fallen in love' and you repeated 'after' twice in a very short space of time. Perhaps you could swap one for a different word?

I thought Kandi was a great character. You didn't give much away, but managed to convey what sort of person she was just through how she acted. I was really intrigued to learn more about her.

I also liked how you introduced the new characters, Logan, Kendall, James and Carlos.(I'm assuming they are in Big Time Rush, so you would be expected to know them, but again, correct me if wrong.) Instead of rambling on about what they were wearing, etc, you just stated it. I prefer it that way; elaborate descriptions are usually very distracting from the plotline, particularly in a short piece.

Your dialogue is very realistic, too; I could imagine it being said whilst reading.

I like the reference to Jack's Mannequin you slipped in too. It wasn't tacky, and actually served a purpose, instead of just being an unnecessary fact. I liked that.

Obviously, it was difficult for you to develop your characters much in such a short piece, but I really enjoyed this. You're a really good writer, and this is a great start to a story. My only criticism is at that some points it was confusing, having so many different characters thrown in at once.

But all in all, I loved it.

No! Actually, I found out his initials were TB after coining him Totally Bangable.

Oh the irony...

NOOOOO

...So that's why you came up with "Totally Bangable". XD

Thomas is Totally Bangable's real name!

He is SO fine. *sigh*

*le gasp!* Kandi has a boyfriend? Named Thomas? Ugh :(

This is cute; I like it tons so far! Can't wait to see more.

Story Review Game

So, I must say I love your layout and your banner. I’m not familiar with the fandom you’re using, but I don’t think that’ll affect my review.

I really like the kind of excerpt/introduction as your summary. It makes me curious as to what Kandi did and what this story is going to be about.

I like the first paragraph. The dialogue part went by smoothly.

Even though the words she was saying bored her to death, she still managed to sell the college to the parents with the enthusiastic smile plastered on her face.
I think you captured how a tour guide at a college would really feel. I mean, there are people who are really enthusiastic about their college but it has got to be boring to have to talk about the same things over and over.

Today she was the face of Wofford College, but how could she convince anyone to want to go there if she didn’t want to go there herself?
Now this explains more why she is bored by what she is talking about. My friend was going to the same college as I for a semester, but she hated it--so pretty much everything sucked. I think this really sentence really works well with conveying Kandi’s feelings about her college.

I really like how you describe the college—I can just picture it.

She led the group into the small, dimly lit café and let them all take a seat. A few of the moms went to get coffee.
I think this was a good sentence to transition the focus from Kandi over to Logan. I didn’t feel like the change was sudden.

The dialogue is wonderful. It flows nicely and seems natural. I like how you bring Kandi back into the picture and also how she reveals that what she’s been telling everyone isn’t true.

Kandi couldn’t keep from smiling at the mention of Thomas.
I think this was kind of an awkward way to end. It was just kind of sudden.

Overall, I think this was wonderfully written. The descriptions were simple, but really good and the dialogue was really good as well. I am curious as to what is going to happen next in this story. I still enjoyed reading this even though I don’t know the fandom—I kind of forgot this was a fandom and read it as original Anyways, keep up the good work.