Can't Stop, Won't Stop, I Must Be Dreaming - Comments

Comment Swap.

I liked the story, good writing. you may want to spruce up your summary a bit, it doesn't really match the story. It's a little rushed but a lot of stories are. I like the whole "Cute little sister" vibe that Kelsey gives off. I also liked the humor in it, personally I think a story isn't worth reading if it can't make you laugh! :)

(Comment swap) It's an interesting story, but I'm sorta a punctuation nazi so just watch the punctuation. It's cute though, and the plot is great. The beginning was a little rushed. You spelled Zack's name wrong! You described the characters perfectly and the layout is adorable and in my opinion, it fits with the "cute little sister" idea of Kelsey.

(Comment swap) It's an interesting story, but I'm sorta a punctuation nazi so just watch the punctuation. It's cute though, and the plot is great. The beginning was a little rushed. You spelled Zack's name wrong! You described the characters perfectly and the layout is adorable and in my opinion, it fits with the "cute little sister" idea of Kelsey.

Here from comment swap.
Well the first thing that caught my eye was the layout. It's boring and not at all eye catching, I'd suggest doing something about that. Secondly your summary doesn't really hook me as much as it should. I feel like it gave too much about the story away even before I start to read. You mention that she becomes the merch girl and to be that is something that I would have liked to have found out while I was reading. I do thing that you've rushed perhaps a little too much on this, there are lines here and there that could have easily been turned into paragraphs had you taken the time to develop them enough.Although I think you're characters are just brilliant! You've made Alex and Jack just as wild and funny, even crazy as there are in real life, so well done on that front!

I think my favorite part about this story is that you made Jack and Alex really funny. Their personalities were very similar to how they are in real life, and I liked that!
Alright, so I'm going to give you a bit of criticism now! I like this story so far, but I will admit that the plot is a little cliche. The little sister, warped tour merch girl thing is something I see a lot in stories. That doesn't make your story bad; it's just not that unique to me.
Another thing is that the story sometimes feels rushed. It's like you get bored of writing it and just try to hurry it up. Like in this line "I say I would love to, we exchange phone numbers, and I walk out of The Maine's bus." That was the feeling that I got.
Other than that, I think your story is really good!

First of all, the layout has to be changed and it has to fit the story. Second, you have to re-write the summary because with the way it's written, we already know what the story is about. Plus, it has to be interesting and pull your readers in. As for the chapters, you need a bit of editing but nothing too series. The critic may see a bit harsh but if you think about it, it will make you a great writer. ~Marian.

First of all, the layout has to be changed and it has to fit the story. Second, you have to re-write the summary because with the way it's written, we already know what the story is about. Plus, it has to be interesting and pull your readers in. As for the chapters, you need a bit of editing but nothing too series. The critic may see a bit harsh but if you think about it, it will make you a great writer. ~Marian.

Comment Swap

I'll agree greatly with the other commenters below. Don't worry, I'm not going to full on criticize everything you wrote here. I'm not that mean. I will give you a few tips though. One thing is for sure, I'm much more attracted to stories that have custom layouts that represent a message of the story/plot. For example, I'll give you a few of my story links so you can see the layout.

Stranded for instance is my zombie story. And though the layout isn't gory or violent or has a million things on it to distract readers, it's simple and elegant. Of course, it isn't mine. I got it off the layout's section from Mibba. The snowy background is symbolic in the picture and it's portrayed greatly in my story as well. I think it's much better to tie your story plot into your story layout as well.

Moving on.

As far as the summary goes, I usually aren't a big fan of reading summaries unless they hold something interesting, or something that peeks my interest. As for your summary, it gives away too much of the plot and readers already have an idea on what they are coming in to read at the time. See, after reading your summary, I was like "Okay, chances are this is going to be a typical love triangle that will occur between Jack and John and she'll have to choose one or the other, etc, etc." and in that case, not many readers will have an open imagination to what will be coming in the future. So I do agree with NyssaNightmare that yes, you will need to slow it down a bit to continue to grasp a person's interest in your story. As far as the summary goes, make it a cliffhanger. Give points of the plot, but not anything that keep a reader waiting for the scene to happen.

Your writing on the other is good, but I know it could be better. Don't worry. I was exactly like you when switching from Quizilla to Mibba, I wrote immaturely at first. I always used the caps to portray my emotions and excitement and I honestly do at times when needed to express something that exclamation marks can not. Also, the dialogue is the start of a new paragraph.

Example:
“What kind of favor?”I ask raising my eyebrows up. He smiles and asks “Will you please be All Time Low’s merch girl, our merch girl quit after she broke up with Zack.”

It should be written...
“What kind of favor?”I ask raising my eyebrows up.

He smiles and asks, “Will you please be All Time Low’s merch girl, our merch girl quit after she broke up with Zack.”

Aside that, good luck. Wish you all the best on the story!

comment swap sent me:Now before I get into this comment,let it be known that I don't listen to All Time Low or The Maine.But I think for this being your first story that you're doing good.The people on Mibba are really nice,I moved here from Quizilla and I was scared to post my finished stories.But you might want to slow down a bit,you have to keep the readers interested and wanting to see the next chapter.I was told the same thing about my stories.

here from comment swap
I immediately knew this would involve the maine because of the title, and with that, I have to tell you I'm not a big fan of these bands.

Considering this is your first story, it's a good start, though a
a little fast moving, but that's okay. You have the power to slow it down. No worries.

I hope my comment didn;t discourage you just because this isn't
my cup of tea. Keep on writing what you like.
:)

-Comment Swap-
I knew the second I saw the name that it had something to do with The Maine. I've just started to get into them and I read a few fics with them in. It was a bonus to have All Time Low, I write All Time Low aswell. I really like your story it was really great. It's so cute. Jack's precious:) I subscribed and I can't wait to read more! XD

-Comment swap-

I don't know who All Time Low is, and I have no problems with band fanfics. It's kind of difficult to write in first person, so I'm going to give you a few (hopefully) helpful tips.

The story is moving really quickly. Slow it down a bit, let there be more interaction between the characters. When doing dialouge, try to space it out when it's between two people. When you smash two people's quotes in one paragraph, it begins to get confusing as to who's talking.

The most important thing I tell people about writing is to show and don't tell. Use details, descriptive words, more extensive dialouge and it'll be a lot easier to read.

Overall, I don't see many grammar/spelling mistakes, and I think your writing is good. I hope these help, and good luck with the rest of your story!

Thank you for updating !
But seriously, who wouldn't sleep with john in a bunk ?
But then again, John or Jack.
Oh boy. Cant wait to see who she picks !

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I freaking hate cliff hangerrrrrrs.
I neeeeeed more !
Why is he slurring ?!
So many questionnnns !

Subscribing !

kasdjflasaklsf
I freaking hate cliff hangerrrrrrs.
I neeeeeed more !
Why is he slurring ?!
So many questionnnns !

Subscribing !

MORE!!!!! plz!!!!!!

i love it!!!!!

Not a bad beginning really. John definetly.

Ohhhh put her with John! ... Wait no Jack! ... Ummm idk!!! I'd really be happy with either!!! hahah good story so far and keep it upppp :D

I like it!
I think she should be with John Ohh.:D

Sara_Gates