I'm leaving an extremely long review since I've read your first chapter.(:
You have a good start and a nice plot so far, it's something a lot of people can relate to and understand well. A bit more descripton of her background and home life would help a lot though, readers would probably understand exactly why her mother doesn't really want her to be at college.
That night: & The Party: You might want to change those openings. They sound more like things out of a movie than a story. Maybe use transitions like later that night, as I sat with friends at the party, would work better.(:
Also, the cyan blue in the back is a bit unreadable with your text. Maybe having a white story area will be better, yeah? It sorta makes you see spots when you look away! xP
With a half-hearted smile to him, before continuing to the bathroom. I think you meant to say "I sent him a half-hearted smile before continuing to the bathroom." Or something along those lines. It makes more sense that way.
I loved her excuse to get away from that guy. I think I could use that in the future.(; So far, she seems like a very timid girl who isn't quite ready for the college scene, and I have a feeling her parents see that. I feel bad for her sister though, being the youngest can really suck when your older siblings go away.
You're doing a great job so far!(:
April 5th, 2010 at 04:05am
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You have a good start and a nice plot so far, it's something a lot of people can relate to and understand well. A bit more descripton of her background and home life would help a lot though, readers would probably understand exactly why her mother doesn't really want her to be at college.
That night: & The Party: You might want to change those openings. They sound more like things out of a movie than a story. Maybe use transitions like later that night, as I sat with friends at the party, would work better.(:
Also, the cyan blue in the back is a bit unreadable with your text. Maybe having a white story area will be better, yeah? It sorta makes you see spots when you look away! xP
With a half-hearted smile to him, before continuing to the bathroom. I think you meant to say "I sent him a half-hearted smile before continuing to the bathroom." Or something along those lines. It makes more sense that way.
I loved her excuse to get away from that guy. I think I could use that in the future.(; So far, she seems like a very timid girl who isn't quite ready for the college scene, and I have a feeling her parents see that. I feel bad for her sister though, being the youngest can really suck when your older siblings go away.
You're doing a great job so far!(: