Breakfast at Holly's - Comments

and btw, you're an incredible writer

this is actually really good :) I hope you update soon

Story Review Game - Chapter three

It all seemed so far away and unrealistic, gossamer strands of memory that I was desperately trying to hold on to.
- Don't we all know that feeling? I always get that feeling after I've been to a concert or a hockey game. The next morning, it never feels like it actually happened. It's almost like you delude yourself into thinking that it's a very realistic dream. I just thought I'd point out that I love how you've phrased this.

The New York Times had already been delivered that morning, thrown carelessly onto my green doormat.
- Your descriptions and imagery is so perfect. You've thought of every minor detail. I mean, what paperboy actually cares where the paper lands, right?

I squinted at the caption. Manhattan socialite Kat DeMorriss pictured with rumored beau, Aaron Vanderbilt, at the Kafka Ball.
- Introducing the conflict, very well done. You can tell that this guy is very taken with Kat, whether he realized it or not, and so we as readers can already predict there will be some sort of love triangle and conflict between these three characters. If not, well.. there's the element of surprise, right?

Oh, how I love being the art department’s new punching bag, I thought sarcastically to myself as I trudged along the street.
- You develop your character's wonderfully, do you know that? I can tell from reading only this chapter, that this was a very "Connor" statement. You know who your characters are. You know how they react to conflicts and it's wonderful to see that.

I turned the sheet over and scribbled, Sure, see you then, as blasé as I could, but my heart was pounding.
- God, I just love your diction! Things are described simply, yet at the same time, you are able to include words like 'blasé" and the entire sentence still makes sense.

I can tell that you have a wide vocabulary and you use it well in this.

She rolled her gray eyes. “Quel bastard.
- What a lady! After, literally, four paragraphs with this character, I love her! She is quite a girl, eh? I'm sure she's a pleasure to write.

I squeezed her shoulder gently. “I’m glad,” I said softly. And we sat there together long after her cigarette had burned out, staring up at the sky for a glimpse of the stars.
- This is based on Breakfast at Tiffany's right? Well.. yeah, okay, duh. The title, the banner... I'm a little slow tonight.

- I think that this is a very interesting story. It's cliche but at the same time, it's okay that it's cliche because the plot is developed and the characters are amazing well-written. It almost seems a little too much like BAT's for me to get into it, you know? It's more a personal thing, but I like it when writers come up with their own plotlines (or at least simply find inspiration from other works) then by taking a classic and putting a twist on it. It's a classic for a reason, right?
Nevertheless, I don't want you to think that you're not doing a good job on this, because you are. A very good job. I think you're characters are you're strong point, for sure.

I love Kat. She's amazing, and funny :D I love the way you write, something about it makes me want to keep reading and reading more :)

Kat is an interesting character so far; I'll have to agree with Connor--she's a mystery! Can't wait to see more :)

Story Review Game

Summary

I really found the summary interesting. It made me want to read this. I think it was beautifully written. Good job.

Layout

The layout made me smile. I absolutely loved it. It seemed to fit well with the summary. Again, I love it!

Chapter One

My story was the stuff of legends, really - a graffiti artist from the slums of Brooklyn gets picked up off the streets to design advertising campaigns for big-shot companies. Pepsico, inc. had lured me to their headquarters in Manhattan, where I had been given a job in the art division to create ads. It was an alright job, aside from the fact that all the assholes who worked in advertising were pricks, and that I only ever drew whatever they needed me to, which was always soda or juice bottles. But it was still pretty great for someone fresh out of college. And they’d offered me a good deal on a small apartment on the Lower East Side, which meant I was moving out of Brooklyn, where I had spent the last 23 years of my life, and into Manhattan.

I loved this paragraph. It has so much description and tells so much about the character. I really like it.

There was a static-filled pause. “Well, you could have just said that in the beginning,” the voice said grumpily. “I’ll be right down.”

This is my favorite line for some unknown reason. I love it!

empty electric sockets peering like eyes from every corner.

I love the similie. I’ve thought that since I was a little girl.

Overall

I truly have no complaints whatsoever. I love this, and I think I might also subscribe to it!

It kept my attention all the way through, and I think you are a wonderful writer.

Alright, so I read both chapters- it was amazing, darling! I loved how you put time and effort into it, it shows through you're writing :D I'd like to say that you're a talented writer!

"For the next week, I was so busy I barely had time to think of the girl living below me. I ran around the city like a madman, hunting through second-hand furniture stores until I found a pair of fat armchairs upholstered in smooth red velvet that sagged only a little bit, as well as a rickety coffee table and a shade for the lamp. I put it all in my living room, where I had also set up my easel by the window and my drawing pad. I called Chris, a good buddy of mine, to ask for any leftover paint he could scrounge from the interior designing company he worked at in Brooklyn. He came through with the only shade he had left, a peculiar light blue that with his help I painted around the apartment. It was an abnormal color, sure, but at least it covered those disgusting tobacco-spit walls. Looking back, I realize it all probably clashed awfully, what with the Christmas red of the velvet to the sky blue of the walls to the dark forest green of the front door. But fuck it, I was fresh out of college and proud to have a place of my own, no matter how run-down it was." I loved this paragraph. You put so much detail in it, I could picture it in my mind. I also like how he's "fresh out of college" I'm nowhere near college yet, but my a few of my cousins have started their fresh out of college days in a rather run down apartment. (also in manhattan) So I liked how you made it relatable :D

She gave off a glamorous air, as though she was a model or movie star or something, and I couldn’t help but think about her long after our rare encounters, wondering who she was and where she came from. There was just something about her that completely fascinated me. I like this, just the simplicity of it, and the description of her. I can relate, because sometimes I think that way about a certain boy ;D

She beamed brightly, her smile like a burst of Technicolor brilliance erupting from the cobwebbed shadows. “Oh, thank you!” I stepped aside to let her pass, breathing in an intoxicating mixture of sandalwood oil and floral as I felt her shoulder brush ever-so-lightly against my bare chest. I shut the door behind me in a daze, hardly believing it. I love the main character :D he's such a cutie! I liked how he was dazed by her. And I loved how you described her smile

Asleep, she looked younger, more delicate, as though she could break into a thousand porcelain pieces if woken up. And I realized that for all her almost incessant chatter, I had discovered very little about her – Kat was still a fucking mystery. this was my favorite line of all in the entire chapter! Cute and truthful. And I like Kat, she's awesome :D

good job on making your characters relateable, there was nothing far-fetched about them, and you could really step into the shoes of both characters. I liked how you put time and effort into this, and can't wait to read more. I'm subscribing, I'm hooked :D

I know all the corrections above are trying to help, but sometimes as a writer you know what you want to emphasize on and what you want to portray so i say- don't feel the need to change your really well written, original story (:
Keep up the awesome work (:

Story Review Game:

it was he was reading -- This is awkward, having "was" back-to-back.

Now I was going to have to pay the price of a small Caribbean island, or something -- This line is great!

aside from the fact that all the assholes who worked in advertising were pricks -- Omit "the fact that"-- I feel like this could be written cleaner.

tore up the street as he sped off -- choose either "tore up the street" or "sped off"; you don't need both.

strains of his horn and a wave of car exhaust -- Good!

crumbling apartment that had retained barely a fraction of its former grandeur – only the finely sculpted, though now heavily graffitied, stone lion remained at the front stoop of the apartment entrance, a fading relic of its glorious past -- Great description!

A Korean flag hung from the front door, wrinkled and wilted in the city heat. -- Great!

Even though the rest of its body had been mauled mercilessly by kids who had just learned their four-letter words -- "Even though four-letter words written by kids mauled the lion's body mercilessly"

... the stone lion’s mouth was twisted in a terrifyingly lifelike roar, and its warning delivered loud and clear. You are not welcome. -- Fantastic!

In front of me was a butch woman -- Just say "woman", because you start to describe her later.

perpetual-looking scowl -- Omit "looking"

only slightly alarmed -- Really? I'd be scared to death! XD

“RULE NUMBER TWO – NO FORNICATING OUTSIDE YOUR ROOM. YOU SEX IN STEPS, YOU LEAVE,” -- This woman is amazing! This made me laugh so hard.

SSR -- "USSR"

She had eyes like strips of overcast sky – cloudy grey and tumultuous, with hints of pale blue – framed by long lashes that fluttered as she blinked very rapidly. -- Great!

This is great! I love it so far, and I loved "Breakfast at Tiffany's", so I can't wait to see how this turns out. I love your voice; it's genuine and different. Keep up the great work! :]

You’re worried about not having believable and realistic characters? Well, you did a good job. Right from the get go with the first sentence actually. That’s something a real person would a say – someone who’s really pissed off and hot. Through the narration you also get to know Connor. His personality comes out in your word choice which is excellent. I like how you don’t over do the swears; they’re in just the right spot, too.

I’ve never seen/read Breakfast at Tiffany’s, so I don’t know any of the changes you’ve made. I doubt there was a graffiti artist, though. I must say I liked that aspect of your character. It’s something different on Mibba. That’s a whole culture no one (that I’ve seen) has dived into.

I like the character you’ve created. Not many stories on here are written in the guy’s point of view, so you really get to know him. Kat was also believable. You didn’t try to make her sound badass or anything. With a character like Anya a response like that seems natural. Though I doubt many would actually say it. Kat seems like an opinionated character without being bitchy.

Mistakes/Suggestions:

One error - It’s when Anya is telling the rules. You misspelled ‘rule’ in the second rule.
Suggestion– The first thing I saw was her barefoot feet. Saying ‘barefoot feet’ sounds repetitive. Maybe just ‘bare feet’?

I think I’ve found a new story to subscribe to! Like I said, I’ve never seen/read where you got your inspiration from so I don’t know the basic story line, nor what to expect.

I love the title. i like seeing where people get thier inspiration from. Also very catchy summary.

“Hey, man, it’s not like I need any help back here or anything,” I called out to the cab driver, wiping a bead of sweat off my forehead as I simultaneously attempted to get three stuffed suitcases out of the trunk. Jesus, it was hot.
^^^ just a suggestion if you were using Jesus, it was hot as i thought id use italics fro the whole thing.

The cab driver merely glanced at me through his rearview mirror and gave me a bored shrug, before returning back to his Readers’ Digest magazine or whatever the fuck it was he was reading.
^^^ i can relate to the character with this i think like this at times

My third and final suitcase smacked onto the pavement and I straightened with a sigh of relief. “Are you done yet?” the cab driver barked at me, sticking his scrawny neck out the window.
^^^ this cab driver makes me want to see the boy to punch him. good job.

As soon as I handed over the money, the cab driver stepped on the gas and tore up the street as he sped off, leaving behind the strains of his horn and a wave of car exhaust. Coughing, I squinted up at my destination, bringing my hand down to my face to shield myself from the sweltering June sun. 122 West 70th Street was once a grand brownstone for a wealthy Dutch family in Manhattan’s early days.
^^^I think the simple discriptions in these sentences are great.

But now Manhattan’s real palaces were situated on the Upper East Side, and this building had become an unkempt, crumbling apartment that had retained barely a fraction of its former grandeur – only the finely sculpted, though now heavily graffitied, stone lion remained at the front stoop of the apartment entrance, a fading relic of its glorious past.
^^ again here too

i like the constant repitition of the stone lion. :)

I scrambled to face the intercom again. “Yes, hi, is this Anya?” The response was a grunt, which I took as a yes. “My name’s Connor, I – “
^^ Connor I like the name.

There was a static-filled pause. “Well, you could have just said that in the beginning,” the voice said grumpily. “I’ll be right down.”
^^ love this part it comes off comedic to me :)

I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth. Clearly, she was not the type of person who liked to wait for anyone. Her great round face appeared in the gap between the stair railings between landings, red from the exertion of carrying two of my heaviest bags. “RULE NUMBER ONE,” she shouted down to me, visibly annoyed. “NO DRUGS, ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS, YOU LEAVE.”
“RUL NUMBER TWO – NO FORNICATING OUTSIDE YOUR ROOM. YOU SEX IN STEPS, YOU LEAVE,” she continued, her face growing distinctly redder and redder.
^^^- rule you mean? again here too

The first thing I saw was her barefoot feet, with chipped pale pink nail polish coating her toes. Then slim legs that went up, before disappearing under a rumpled white button-down men’s shirt. I stood up slowly to take in the rest of her.She had eyes like strips of overcast sky – cloudy grey and tumultuous, with hints of pale blue – framed by long lashes that fluttered as she blinked very rapidly. Her jutting cheekbones may have been the result of malnutrition, judging by the way her collarbone also protruded, but they fit her face regally, as though she was sculpted from marble. She had little imperfections that countered her otherwise flawless features – a nose that was slightly upturned, giving her a somewhat arrogant air, and lips that were just a little chapped, as though she spent more time biting them then glossing them. A purple silk eye cover was pushed up to her forehead, and a tangle of dark brown hair set off her sleep-mussed appearance.
^^^ great discription. its is very vivid and i can picture her perfectly. it really shows a facination of this character and a possible interest in her.

The girl rolled her eyes and turned to me. “Welcome to the Communist regime,” she snapped. With one last scathing look at Anya, she slammed her door shut.
^^im starting to like this girls personality that your showing

Over all, this is great. very few minor changes are needed. I like ther personality that shines though with the characters. I see connors Brooklyn Attitude perfectly. Your descriptions are great and you show it well. I can picture everything that went on. I loved this is relateable and the comedic elements you tend to slip into it.

Keep adding. you got me hooked.

I'm quite excited about this story, it seems like it's going to be really great.
I loved the first chapter, and the russian lady made me laugh XD
Keep up the good work, and please update? (: