All-Nighter - Comments

very well written i enjoyed it XD

I have to say, this was very well written! I enjoyed it very much so! =D GREAT JOB!

let's just say it was pretty heated ;)

Damn. Why aren't my all-nighters this amazing???! This one is shorter, but brevity is the soul of wit! It was really well done. It's a cute concept, if cute could be applied to this situation...hahaha.

I think you have to watch your narration a little bit though. For instance
John was standing at the table, mixing colors and setting up brushes. He's gorgeous, and always had been. Even in his paint spattered old jeans and a faded tee shirt I couldn't help but stare at him. I'm used to receiving jealous glares from girls, and wide-eyed looks of approval from the males I meet, but being with John I still sometimes feel a little plain. He puts down the bottle of paint and comes over to hug me. I'm small, barely 5'2", with a slender build, and he towers over me. His chest and shoulders are bound by a mass of muscle, and he's a little intimidating.

I know that you're working with the idea of this as a memory and story, but I found that bit awkward. The narration doesn't really flow together. It takes me out of the character you've established, and therefore the situation. It's not natural, you know? Nothing wrong with the ideas you've put forth, but perhaps you could try to make it more observational than narrative. Because if they've been best friends for awhile, she wouldn't talk like that, would she? It'd probably be more along the lines of:
"Walking in, I couldn't help but let out a sigh of appreciation; John was at the table mixing paints. But it was more how amazing he looked in just a simple tee shirt and jeans. Even when we hung out together, he was always on the receiving end of admiring looks. Sometimes it's hard not to feel plain around him, with my slender build and tiny 5'2" frame."
Do you see what I'm getting at?

I really enjoyed the story. But I think you can improve your phenomenal writing by working on your narrative style and voice. Having it told from a first person perspective takes some adjusting to make it seem natural. It should read more like an inner monologue, I think.

But oh MAN the sex! I've already admitted I'm a pervert, so I whole-heartedly enjoyed that! A little cliche, with the movie thing, but they made up for it *wink wink* I liked this sex scene though. It's different from your other ones in the sense that it was more erotic and sensuous than descriptive. I mean, it's still very descriptive (and hot!), but this featured more of an emotional attachment. It made the situation more sweet. It was nice.

Overall, this was well done! I'm glad I'm reading more of your work.

hells. yes. i love it. lol

I like it!