Para-noir - Comments

Liked... :) I kinda can't describe it, but I liked... And that's what matters I guess..?

Dear author, other than writing typos, I enjoyed reading this and I just loved the ending (italics). Brownie points for that. ~Marian.

Dear author, other than writing typos, I enjoyed reading this and I just loved the ending (italics). Brownie points for that. ~Marian.

oneshot for oneshot.
first off, you might want to give a warning about slash or give an option because there are, surprising as it may seem, some mibbians who aren't a fan of slash. :P just a suggestion.
anyway, onto the review!
Someone backstage tossed him a towel, the perspiration was literally dripping off of his face; mixing with makeup.
The first half of this isn’t a proper sentence, because there is no actual subject.
I’d add in a “because” where your comma is.
Also, the semi-colon isn’t needed where you have it because a semi-colon connects to unalike clauses and your “mixing with the makeup” actually is part of your sentence. Use a comma instead. (:

It was rearing it's ugly head again, though.
its*

The mere thought of Twiggy gave him butterflies, made his hear take a leap in his chest.
heart*

Twiggy started to go at his neck, going for Marilyn's belt and getting his pants off.
Twiggy is doing a lot of “going”. Maybe try using another verb?

Neither of them bothered to ask each other if they were ready or not, because the answer was blank and white.
Do you maybe mean black and white?
If so, I’m not sure that makes sense. I’d just go with something like “obvious” or “clear”.
Also, since you’ve already stated once in the sentence that there are, indeed, at least two people present with the first “them”, your “each other” isn’t necessary. It sounds better and less redundant if you write it as, “Neither of them bothered to ask if the other was ready or not”, or something where you’re not using so many “they’s” and “their’s” and all that business. (:

I’ve noticed that you use “, and” which is redundant. I’m not just being bitchy but they’re even changing the rules in school to where the comma after a third and/or is unnecessary.

one other thing is that you use a lot of semi-colons, which are alright when used correctly but they aren't always with your writing. i noticed some correct usages, so bravo, but some weren't. make sure when you use them, you're connecting two unalike clauses and not a part of the same sentence. (:

i like your writing style and your descriptions. this is a good piece. (:
hope my review helped.
xo.

Bestie, this was amazing.
And I wish I was good at leaving comments so I could leave you a super long, amazing comment telling you everything I liked about it.
But for a non-slash reader, such as myself, that was amazing.
I love your writing, and I love this one-shot.

I love this! I really did. I think this is like, my 5th time reading this. xP
I love it. Your an amazing writer. I wish I could do something like this, but I suck as sexy scence. Haha. Good job. I'll probably read it 80 million more times.

-Ashley <3

I thought this was awesome! I definitely wasn't expecting what I got in the end when I read the status.

Wasn't quite sure what to expect with this. I didn't really know whether I wanted to read Twiggy/Marilyn sex so...on some level I'm glad it went in a different direction kinda. xD

I liked it overall. It started out normal enough and toward the end got kinda intense. Admittedly I didn't realise that the story was named after the song at first because I have a tendency to just listen to that particular album without knowing all the song titles. But it clicked when it got to the end, and the lyrics fit well. I like how it starts out with Twiggy saying it out loud and then transitions to italics. Makes it seem kind of...otherworldly and creepy.

There are a few small things, more personal preference really:

I didn't feel like the band by the name of Marilyn Manson in the second sentence was needed. I don't know what it is but it just feels as though the question of which band the story's about is answered later, you know?

With this part: All of them were sweating heavily, high off of adrenaline and of the energy that seemed to pulsate within them; I think it'd flow a little more smoothly if the third 'of' was edited out.

The fat that it was most likely stained permanently didn't bother him in the slightest, though. < Typo there, just thought I'd mention.

In the back corner was a gym mat, and tonight it would be serving them as something other than that; more like a bed. I think this sentence could do without more like a bed. It's more or less implied so it doesn't really need to be said.

One thing I was a bit confused about was whether this was a one-off thing or whether they'd slept together before? I was guessing yes, but in some places it seemed to imply otherwise.

Of course all this is all just my opinion.

I think it's interesting. I like that it deviated from what I was expecting in the beginning.