The Fantasy - Comments

Oneshot for Oneshot.
You use a lot of semi-colons and often in places that they shouldn't be. Commas and periods are less informal, but they also don't interrupt the flow as much as four semi-colons do in one paragraph. :3

You also jump from one situation to the next really fast. First you were describing her, then she was at the lunch table, and then bam! she was in the book and then bam! she was in the pysch ward. Use more description! Details are lovely. (:

And my last con-crit piece of advice is that Miss is the actual word, not Ms., and therefore, doesn't need a period afterward. (:

I really enjoyed this though, and how insane Jane was. :P The nickname "Jane Doe" is cute, too. Props to that. <3

This story seriously wowed.

W O W E D!

You have a really great talent for writing.

Is it wrong of me to say I enjoyed reading what was happening in the story?

I liked it, especially the end.
I liked how you narrated it, the way you listed events almost as if you were reaccounting them.
Good job!

When I first started reading it I thought "Wow, I can really relate to her." I think we've all had days when we feel like everyone thinks we're crazy. I really liked when she was reading the book and describing the park although she'd didn't know from experience. I thought it was nice she could imagine that much from a book.

But the it took a twist when Laura started talking. At first I wasn't sure if it was someone at the school who was talking to her so I was confused but then it cleared up. It really bothered me when Laura started leaving. I could feel the pain that Jane was going through. That takes talent. :)

And I think the major thing that I liked is when the nurse started pinning her down, that was very good description. I felt bad again that it was all a fantasy. And when Laura came back and started telling her to kill the nurse, your words were very powerful. And the last few lines when she lost her control but never really had it, that probably my favorite line. :)

Oh and also: During those few seconds, though, she was able to get her hands back on her therapist, trying with all of her might to fulfill what Jane had ordered her to do.

I think you meant Laura, right? :)

You're a very good writer! :D

This was really interesting and well written.
And I adored the title; I love that song so much.
I liked the originality, and simple way it was written.

I like the idea of it; and I like the presenation of the characters.
Also, the use of repition was fantastic, in some stories it really doesn't work but if really suited this.

It also flowed really well.

You're really good at writing.

Well, I found that this was a very interesting piece.
I really enjoyed your writing style.
It had a really nice simplistic feel which was really nice for a change, and everything flowed together very well.
I think that I'll have to check out some more of your work if I get the chance.

I liked how you made the voice in her head an actual person instead of just words. That was really good. And I also that that it was really great that she was in a mental institution, that made me think and wonder about what kind of "problem" she has and how bad it really is.

'In a way, she seemed like a monster, but was merely a seventeen year old girl in a psychiatric ward; a person labeled unstable for society.'

And I really liked that line. It just kind of stood out for me, and I enjoyed that.
This was a really nice piece, and I'm sorry that my reviews suck.

One Shot for One Shot:

First I just wanted to note that the font is nearly impossible to read, so you may want to change it if you want people to be able to read it without having to resort to copying and pasting it into a word processor and changing the font. Conversely, I do love your layout. It suggests that Jane, your main character, lives in th clouds, and the first few sentences suggest this.

The only thing I would say about the beginning, however, is your word choice right at the beginning of the first sentence. The words 'mercurial' and 'dilatory' really don't fit into the simplistic feel of the story at all; they simply feel as though you went to a thesaurus and picked the most professional-sounding word in what was provided. I do like, though, that you've made Jane a loner, and for some reason, I actually really like the fact that she's not completely there and that she really isn't so aware of exactly where she is. The beginning of the story suggests that she's living in unreality, and it made me feel smart as a reader when my first impression was proved correct.

She's creative enough to create an imaginary friend that's a person with a personality and all of that, and I can almost admire her for it, except for the fact that she is a little insane, despite "Laura" telling her that she isn't. It's unfathomable to her that she's not normal, since she seems as though she's used to the way she is now.

Something I would like to point out: The girl nodded. not thinking that she could ever possibly be mentally unstable. There should be a comma after 'nodded'. Also, "I heard her, though!" Jane yelled, " I was at school reading, and Laura was there with me!" The comma after 'yelled' could
be replaced with a period, and there shouldn't be a space between the quotation mark and the word 'I' in the second exclamation.

Those are the only real nitpicky grammar issues I found, though.

And for some reason, I liked that you put her in a mental institution. It makes me wonder exactly what kind of psychological problem she has, though, since what you have her experience seems more like a daydream. Is she schizophrenic? Delusional? Completely insane? I'm not sure she would be able to speak so fluently and coherently if she's any of these and has just been torn out of a hallucination, so maybe you could work on that dialogue, and make her seem a bit more frantic; she just seems annoyed, like this has happened too much, and if so, I, as a reader, kind of want to know about it. This story is awfully short, and it leaves a lot to the imagination, perhaps too much.

What you did provide is quite well-written, though, and I think that whatever inspiration brought you to write it is absolutely phenomenal. But you could perhaps add more to it, and definitely change the font so that it's easier to read. Other than all of that, it's quite well done, and you should be proud.

This is really good. I really liked the way Jane convinced herself that she was normal, I think that would be very common in people who do experience that :)
The only thing I would say against it is the font, perhaps my eyes are just tired, but it seemed a little too small to me. I think if it were a little bigger it would be better :)
But apart from that I enjoyed reading this :)

wow. I really enjoyed that. I especially liked the way it ended.
I also really liked the constant repetition of the word "fantasy". The connotations that go with that word , I think, are better than say "dream" or "hallucination".
It's a very well written story :)