We're in Wonderland - Comments

@adrenaline shot: I didn't start it with waking up. I just chose that bit as the excerpt to go in the summary.

WOO!
I love Alice stories. :]
I just wrote one about Absolem, and it makes me laugh.

You've got the Lewis Carroll style down, and yet it's completely different. The oddity is great, and yet it makes more sense than most of Lewis' things. I still like it very much. :]

Impossible*

Also, I forgot to mention, I like how you've started the story with waking up, and end it with waking up in two completely different ways.

Right, first off, the layout is amazing. Gives a good presentation to your story, not like that matters but I thought I'd put that out anyway.

"I woke with a start. Heart pounding, breath coming short and fast, brow coated in sweat. Swallowing, I began to get to my feet, taking in my surroundings."

I really like the use of your tag line. I'm being made to think that this is the way that Alice wakes up in Wonderland.

I like how in the first pargraph you just dive into the story line. The blue caterpillar is Absolum, yes? Also, you mentioned 'we'. It makes me wonder who 'we', is exactly. Also, I like the use of the word, 'splutter'. It's very effective in making us realise how thick the smoke is around the mushroom.

Honestly, I think you should have elaborated a bit more on the caterpillar at the start of the second paragraph but that's my own opinion. I'd rather if we meet characters you sort of describe what they're like or have some sort of mini event between them, but that's own personal preference.

"We travelled for what seemed like an eternity..."

I like the word choice of eternity. Highlights that it was probably a very long distance. You go on to describe the mad hatter. I like how you've describe his hair as a "mass of bright orange curls". It's true and to the point, but I think you could have described his eyes as well maybe? Overall, it is a good way to describe it.

"However, unlike his the man, he was throwing the cups around, obviously not satisfied with them."

This part really, really made me smile. This was on the dot for the mad hatter. He is similary described like this in the novel itself I'm sure, but I think you pretty much nailed describing his actions here.

"Everything was dark, yet somehow, we still felt safe."

I love to see contrast in a story, or some sort of paradox and this has to be one of the best I've seen. You don't really relate darkness to being safe but to be safe in darkness? It would seem impossibly. I really liked it. Well done on this part. You also go on to say that the 'air rippled around us'. Rippled is usually related to water, so I'm sort of confused. I mean, it's a good description but I would usually relate it to water, haha.

Once agian, I think you should have described/made a mini event with the cheschire cat. Personally it's because I get intrigued as to who these characters are, and want to know more about them. Now, you've started to use 'you' and 'we' and 'I'. So, is 'we', the reader and the writer? I'm just a little bit confused on that. The description was really well done, though. On how you were copying the persons actions. I also like how you've linked the last pargraph and the second last with something a bit more realistic, which itself, contrasts to Wonderland.

I personally liked it but, it should have had a bit more description and should have been longer in my honest opinion. Well done, though. It was very well written, maybe not clear at points, but that's easily fixed. You made it feel like some sort of Wonderland so, well done.

There are many elements that I enjoyed about this little piece. I loved the odd narrator situation, the imagery and just the neat, bouncy way you trampled through those Wonderland fields. There are a few things that came to my attention -mainly that I think it should have been longer.

But overall, it was a great little story that had a spark.

I liked it. :)

Descriptions were pretty awesome, and I was kind of entranced in it...

All in all, I thought it was cool.

I thought this was really good; you wrote it really well, and it almost seemed like Wonderland itself.

(I haven't seen the film, like you know, but I am reading the book and this fic is quite similar.)

I really love your descriptions, btw, because they're so simplistic and beautiful. The banner was cute too, and I liked the layout.

It didn't feel like you were ripping the original plot off at all - it was completely your own, just drawing influences from it.

The ending was kind of sad (I wanted them to be in Wonderland!) but it really fitted, and it wasn't any longer than it needed to be. I loved it.