Resigned - Comments

The journey has begun. Whee~

The tenses seem to be getting better. At least, I haven't found any mistakes so far. Oh, there's a misspelled word in chap1, twon=town.

Ah, so the journey is going to begin. I'm excited to see what will happen in their journey. Can't wait! Good luck <3

First of all.. I agree with Yuffie, especially about switching tenses. That's really bad. And your description is really great, I could picture it in my mind like a movie!

Another is that you should add more conversations. It's good to detail out things every so often, but without conversations, it's really bleak and uninteresting. There are some things that can be described with conversation, some implicit meanings that can only be conveyed by talking. So use it a lot, and use it wisely.

One more is the plot. I know that this is only the beginning, so the overall plot is slow. But it's better to have chapter plot as well, some ups and downs in each chapter that will make things heat up a bit.

It's still too early to judge but I wish you good luck on this. I'll subscribe and see how things goes. ;)

Right, so this is going to be a bit long...

Okay, with chapter one, you did an AMAZING job with their descriptions, like with great vocabulary and really clear pictures. (I absolutely suck at descriptions, so I usually skirt them). One thing I would change about them is to add personality to each of the seven. You describe what they look like, what they're wearing, but I think it would really help distinguish them from each other by describing their personalities a bit, such as how they are reacting to their current situations, maybe talking about someone smirking maliciously, or another with a calm/peaceful expression. Like for example, with "Both men and women traditionally wore their hair tied back, but he let his fall about his shoulders." What does this guy wearing his hair differently show? Is it because he's rebellious or just too lazy to tie it? I do like how you mentioned that he was nervous, but you can also expand on this, like saying he was sweating, or his hair was dishevled, eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep because he was so nervous, wringing his hands together, making some other distracting motion. The possibilities are endless!

Also, to develop Linara's personality some more, how is she reacting to each of these visions? Does she feel foreboding? Fear? Joy? Anxiety? All these are really important when describing characters, especially your main protagonists. And when Linara was looking at herself, NEVER use the words "There was not much need to go into detail"!!! That's the WORST possible thing an author can do! (I've done it before and gotten scolded about it :P) Even if she is looking at herself, still keep the level of detail you do with the previous six characters. If Linara is that important, she should have as much, if not MORE description than the others. Remember: the more important a character or scene or setting or object is, the more detail you should use to describe it. This is just a general rule, but when you have a firm grasp of the rules, authors can break them at times.

In Chapter 2, :P Uhh... I'm not sure what kind of stretches YOU do... but never does stretching cause me to sweat... That didn't seem very believable..

You sometimes switch tenses between past and present. This is a big NO NO! Always stay consistent with tenses. Either stick to past or present, not both.

Another mistake with your writing (very common mistake, don't worry) is that sometimes you repeat words in consecutive sentences. Like here: "But everyone presses on, this day like every one before, with sweat rolling off our bodies and the stench rising. I felt this sweat rolling off my skin like the water of the waterfall we all wash in as the thought crossed my mind." You used "sweat" in both sentences. You really shouldn't be using the same nouns over and over again, because it becomes repetative. Use different words or maybe describe the noun instead. It's not a huge deal, but it makes your writing more credible if you don't do that.

I personally think that Fayne's motivational speech was a bit corny, and it didn't seem to fit with her personality to speak that much. I think it might be better for Linara to say those things because she is the one most knowledgeable about the quest and these people and the one that brought them together.

Was there any significant reason to switch to third person there at the end? I know Fayne was slowly losing consciousness, but still, keep the story from her point of view. It's not very professional to randomly switch POV's like that unless it's REALLY needed, such as to see insight about the protagonist that the reader wouldn't have otherwise learned. And even then, that insight must be damn important to the story. Like with The Essence of Sin, for example, I needed to switch between Jared and Kara because Jared is doing important things (or in the future, he will) that the readers wouldn't have known by reading just Kara's POV.

Otherwise, you are a very good writer! This is a cool story. I hope my long and rambling explanations helped you a bit!