After Supper. - Comments

Your layout is beautifully done, simple an elegant. It also easy to read from.
To begin I'd like to say that your summary is a bit confusing, but after reading over it I finally got the drift and the meaning.
Your first chapter is absolutely amazing. The way you expertly describe the scenes cause vivid illustrations in my mind. The chapter is lengthy, but not drawn out or over done. You explain all that needs to be explained. I loved reading your story. My favorite part is when Ryan cares from William in every way, and how he forces him to not allow himself to fall into a depression. This is magnificent. Well done.

I found this through comment swap. It's definitely not something I would usually read, but it was good. It's always good to open yourself up to new things. This is very well written, and you can imagine every little bit as your reading the words.

This is my favorite piece of writing by you.

I love the very last ending dialouge, when Ryan is asking why William didn't wake him up. Though it's been said before that they're not supposed to be in love, I think that kind of shows that they're falling in love and breaking the rules, but it's done in an art where it almost seems regretful, but relived at the same time. There's a raw emotion in this piece, that's perfectly pulled off. I also loved your tense changes. It was done in a very artful way.

It's sad seeing a character, especially one like William that a large population tend to look to as a role model, spiral out of control is... weird. It's morbid, as you said before, but also just leaves a strange tone through out the entire story. The fact that you switched their roles helped make the story. The only thing I would change in this story is more action verbs, a little more Pete comparison, but that's completely author choice, and the way you did it was beautiful. I would love to see a sequel to this, but at the same time, I don't know if I would want to read it.

Part of what makes this story, at least for me, is the mysterious air in it. It creates a very hazy attitude, which helps the relationship in the story too. It's like in a horror movie when the killer is unmasked. Motives, to me, do nothing but ruin the mystery and excitement, and it takes away all levels of person interpretation.

Once again, love this story. I pretty much love all your writing. Sorry for the long comment.

Four if you counted Gabe, but no one was. -- Do you mean "no one did"?

flutter in and out -- This is a great verb; you can really see it.

Bustling in, -- Do you mean "busting in"?

I’m Mr. Saporta’s lawyer.” he said -- It's always a comma after speech if you tack on "said", "grumbled", etc.

he said by way of introducing himself -- "he said, introducing himself" is less wordy.

wiping at his wet eyes -- Omit "at".

the affect. -- "Effect"; "affect" is the verb form.

“But he came in a few weeks ago, something about a test, and wanted to update . . . well, something. -- Gabe's lawyer has a way with words.

And anyway,” he opened his suitcase and pulled out a manila envelope, “this -- "And anyway." He opened his suitcase and pulled out a manila envelope. "This..." Or "And anyway," he said nonchalantly, opening his suitcase and pulling out a manila envelope, "this..." There needs to be some sort of speech verb in there if you're going to put commas in.

Ryan and Gabe’s mother -- At first glance, it looks like you're trying to say Ryan and Gabe are related to each other, so it might be better if you switch them around.

He opened the envelope in the car which contained a white envelope that had Ryan’s name printed on it -- "In the car, he opened the folder which contained a white envelope with Ryan's name printed on it"; the sentence makes it sound like the car contained the white envelope.

Well, it was William’s then so he opened it -- "Well, it was William's, so he opened it"

deducing logically -- It sounds repetitive with "logically".

...deducing logically that he wasn’t going to give Ryan anything that would send him into another fit like the one he’d had the night before when the nurses insist he leave the room. -- This is really long."...like the one from the night before. The nurses insisted he leave the room"

was clear as well -- "As well" is unnecessary

William lay, sprawled on one side of the booth -- Remove the comma; it interrupts the flow.

The older -- Some people may not know William is older than Ryan.

He moved to sit up -- Ambiguous "he"; it's probably William sitting up, but it's better to just insert a name instead of rereading the paragraph.

that this was a shitty Starbucks in a shitty Target in a shitty town with a shitty rental car outside waiting to take them back to a shitty hotel. -- Great parallel structure!

no blurred lights through the fading steam on the windows -- Great imagery!

closest the door -- "closest to the door"

Gabe and Ryan’s forever -- "Gabe's and Ryan's forever", same with William and Ryan’s forever

he couldn’t know -- Normally, we say "he wouldn't know", but that's your choice.

Still William, but different -- This softens the sentence before.

Gabe would have. -- Gabe would have what?

The older boy glanced at Ryan. -- "He glanced at Ryan"

waited at the desk for Gabe’s mother -- At what desk?

packet of tissues -- "pack of tissues"

and lead him off -- "and led him off"; verb-tense shift.

nobody could make sense out of -- "nobody could understand"

wasn’t that far nor was it that busy -- "wasn't that far and wasn't that busy"

parking space quite close to the door -- Omit "quite"

Ryan lead William -- "Ryan led William"

Overall, it was great. This piece had more spots of things I didn't want to read, but it was done tastefully. It's interesting to see that it's William who's broken instead of Ryan. Your writing is amazing, but I found some grammatical errors :]

wow, very different but very nice. have you ever thought of publishing a book of short stories. i love your style. it's different but very good and very readable. kind of reminds me of books like fightclub or trainspotting.

if you did do a book, i reckon this should be in it, maybe just changing the names. i could, and will, read it over and over again.

Even though I don't really read fanfiction a lot, I liked this.

It reminded me of November Rain by Guns 'N Roses, I dunno why.

One of my favourite bits was:
Two days after that, Ryan held William’s hand through the blurred service, the words all running together, the faces all distorted, nothing real to William except Gabe’s casket and Ryan’s hand.
To me, that seemed really realistic.

My other favourite bit was:
And that was how it was going to be. Until a promise broke or one of them died. That’s how it was. Forever. As long as forever lasted. Which sometimes isn’t long at all.

It's good how you can imagine it in your head, and the characters seem real [yeah, I know they're real people, but you know what I mean] and how the ending fitted well with the title. Yeah, it's a fuckin' good story, couldn't really see anything wrong with it.

Nice one...

arianna. ATIVAN!:

druscilla; red wine.:

Pete was the Gabe before Gabe was Gabe.
So he understand the situation better than anyone except Ryan and William, definitely more than William, and perhaps more than Ryan.
It's Pete explaining Ryan and William to people and so Ryan and Gabe & Pete and Gabe come out as well.

Oh. I see.
Yeah, I think the sequel would definitely help.
But, what do you mean by "Pete and Gabe come out as well"?

More of their thing. Because Pete helped Gabe.

druscilla; red wine.:

Pete was the Gabe before Gabe was Gabe.
So he understand the situation better than anyone except Ryan and William, definitely more than William, and perhaps more than Ryan.
It's Pete explaining Ryan and William to people and so Ryan and Gabe & Pete and Gabe come out as well.

Oh. I see.
Yeah, I think the sequel would definitely help.
But, what do you mean by "Pete and Gabe come out as well"?

arianna. ATIVAN!:

Wait, why Pete? Does he have more to do with the whole plot then this story told?
So would the sequel be more of a prequel? Like explaining what happened before Gabe went into the coma?
God I ask a lot of questions...
And I see what you mean when you said Ryan "picked" William.

Pete was the Gabe before Gabe was Gabe.
So he understand the situation better than anyone except Ryan and William, definitely more than William, and perhaps more than Ryan.
It's Pete explaining Ryan and William to people and so Ryan and Gabe & Pete and Gabe come out as well.

druscilla; teh wentz:

They're not equal to a couple. I don't really know how to explain it. And Ryan isn't actually supposed to love William. It's one of the "rules" of the "tradition" or whatever.
Ryan didn't just fuck William.
He picked him.
They were bonded.
But not romantically.
I think this is partially why the sequel is needed.
Pete explains a lot in it.

Wait, why Pete? Does he have more to do with the whole plot then this story told?
So would the sequel be more of a prequel? Like explaining what happened before Gabe went into the coma?
God I ask a lot of questions...
And I see what you mean when you said Ryan "picked" William.

arianna ativan:

druscilla; teh wentz:

Ryan and William can't just be together because William does need Ryan to put him back together every night.
That's what keeps them from being simply 'a couple'.
They are much more and much less than that at the same time.

That rather confuses me.
So Ryan and William can't be together because that would ruin their whole "I'm here to help fix your problems through comfort and sex" relationship?
How would that ruin it?
I mean, they spend all their time together, fuck eachother, and care about eachother. So what makes them not a couple?

They're not equal to a couple. I don't really know how to explain it. And Ryan isn't actually supposed to love William. It's one of the "rules" of the "tradition" or whatever.
Ryan didn't just fuck William.
He picked him.
They were bonded.
But not romantically.
I think this is partially why the sequel is needed.
Pete explains a lot in it.

druscilla; teh wentz:

Ryan and William can't just be together because William does need Ryan to put him back together every night.
That's what keeps them from being simply 'a couple'.
They are much more and much less than that at the same time.

That rather confuses me.
So Ryan and William can't be together because that would ruin their whole "I'm here to help fix your problems through comfort and sex" relationship?
How would that ruin it?
I mean, they spend all their time together, fuck eachother, and care about eachother. So what makes them not a couple?

arianna ativan:

Oh. I see. Then why don't William and Ryan just be together? What's holding them back? Is it because Ryan and Gabe were never really "together" and Ryan has to be William's Gabe?
And I think a sequel is a great idea. This story is probably my favorite one of your's, which seeing as though your such a great writer, says a lot.
And it did help, thanks.

Ryan and William can't just be together because William does need Ryan to put him back together every night.
That's what keeps them from being simply 'a couple'.
They are much more and much less than that at the same time.

druscilla; teh wentz:

arianna ativan:

One thing I'd like to know about was why was William so worked up over Gabe if Gabe was with Ryan. Was it just a close friendship? Were they ex-boyfriends?

But Gabe and Ryan weren't as "together" as William thought they were.
Gabe "took care" of Ryan. He looked after him, fucked him the way Ryan fucked Will, brought him together when he was broken, etc. They, however, considered themselves dating which isn't what William and Ryan do.
Ryan took over the role Gabe had for him when the trust was broken.
As soon as the trust was broken [Gabe's letter] the relationship ended and Ryan assumed Gabe's role.

Oh. I see. Then why don't William and Ryan just be together? What's holding them back? Is it because Ryan and Gabe were never really "together" and Ryan has to be William's Gabe?
And I think a sequel is a great idea. This story is probably my favorite one of your's, which seeing as though your such a great writer, says a lot.
And it did help, thanks.

I think it’s safe to say that I liked the banner/picture you had at the top.

I liked the way you used ‘flutter’ instead of say, walked or rushed or even came. And then when you used ‘bustling’. I always love reading your stories since you have a great way with words. You always seem to pick the right ones to paint a great picture.

He gave it to Ryan that night at a Starbucks in the local Target.
^ I really don’t know why, but I liked this sentence. Maybe because you pulled in how Targets are now, with having Starbucks in them and all. It made the story seem more real, you know?

The plot was really different then what I’ve read before on this site – and by the few stories I’ve read by you, too.

I feel like I'm not leaving a good enough review. I really don't know what else to say other than when I was reading, I didn't even see how long it was until after. You did a great job at capturing me.

arianna harlequin:

One thing I'd like to know about was why was William so worked up over Gabe if Gabe was with Ryan. Was it just a close friendship? Were they ex-boyfriends?

William and Gabe were best friends in the story, just like I think they are in real life.
But Gabe and Ryan weren't as "together" as William thought they were.
Gabe "took care" of Ryan. He looked after him, fucked him the way Ryan fucked Will, brought him together when he was broken, etc. They, however, considered themselves dating which isn't what William and Ryan do.
Ryan took over the role Gabe had for him when the trust was broken.
As soon as the trust was broken [Gabe's letter] the relationship ended and Ryan assumed Gabe's role.
I don't know if that helps...

I have started a sequel to this. I don't know if it'll get finished though.
It sheds light on the way other people see William and Ryan.
It happens when Pete becomes himself again and a lot of old FBR people meet up to chat and party and whatnot.

Lovely,as always.
This story, it so touched me.
I love how the title didn't forshadow the story.
The title made me think it would just have something to do with -insert rockstars here- having an insane fuck session after dinner.
Only you would make it a lot more poetic than just that, I'm sure.
Then it turned out to be this beautifully tragic story.
I loved how you didn't tell why Gabe was in the coma. I'd like to know, but it added a nice mysterious affect. (and I apologize if you did give the reason and I over looked it, which is very possible)
I'd like to point out, that I thought Ryan was a tad ass-ish.
His boyfriend just died and he's "with" William.
I know you mentioned they weren't really boyfriends, but they were fucking before Gabe had even died.
Another thing I found interesting about this story was that you made Ryan the "man" in his and William's relationship. Even though he's younger, and is usually portrayed as more of the weaker (for lack of a better term) one in most relationships. But you made him pull this off.
And I love (geez, how many times am I gunna say "and I love...." in this comment?) the lawyer. At first I was slightly confused as to his place in the story, until I realized Gabe's condition.
One thing I'd like to know about was why was William so worked up over Gabe if Gabe was with Ryan. Was it just a close friendship? Were they ex-boyfriends?

And my favorite parts:
Then Gabe stopped breathing.
I loved how you put that. It's so simple, yet so complicated.I seriously believe my heart stopped beating as I read that sentence. You saw it coming, but it's one of those times that you just keep wishing for that happy ending that will never come (like so many times in real life)

Then Pete’s band broke up because he had a mental breakdown and had to be institutionalized
I'm sorry, but I found that rather hillarious.

Well, I am leaving a pretty goddamn long (and I'm sure filled with grammitical errors) comment for you. That is simply because your story put a lot of thoughts into my mind. Yet I probably didn't express half of them.
Words can't describe how beautiful this story is.
But you know how beautiful it is.

^
Amazing review. Thank you so much<333

Secondly, on the FBR/Ryan weaker light thing...
Yeah, Ryan is generally ... a bottom, for lack of a better term.
I remember actually telling three people "OMG I made Ryan a top and it fucking worked" and two squealed and one didn't understand.
Yeah, that I'd share.

Thanks for all the reviews everyone. I love this story so much and your reviews mean a lot.

:cheese:

That was incredibly gorgeous.

Your reputation precedes you, so I had high expectations when I clicked
on the title, and I was still completely blown away by the beauty of the story.
There were so many things that I liked that I'm not sure where to start. :]
The plot itself was amazing; I loved the lawyer and the letter and the sex
and etcetera etcetera... The small details were really affecting, the Sudafed
and that orange lighter... You're right about the beauty being morbid, and I
was totally blown away by the contrast between the gentleness and the
violence. I don't read much FBR fanfiction, but I have a feeling that Ryan tends
to be portrayed in kind of a weaker light, and I love that you overturned the stereotype there.
Oh, aaaand the way the story transforms into a really um, "narrative" style, with the routine, the days of the week.
I found the whole piece really raw and beautiful and moving,
God, overall gorgeous beyond words. :]]
I doubt this comment did you justice, but I tried.

I LOVED it.

LOVE IT! it's sad though...